I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I have a friend who literally lives right next to me but I’ve been unresponsive for the past few days mainly because I feel extremely depressed and disappointed in myself in art. Basically, I joined this schoolism class on lighting and i am just so fucking bad at it and i fucking suck at everything. So i’ve been depressed. That might be the only thing causing me depression right now, maybe something else is. Honestly theres nothing at work that’s causing me depression. so what else can it be? it could also be the fact that my friend is staying with me and for some reason i feel vulnerable and naked and afraid for reasons that i don’t know. i mean, theoretically having a friend with me is the best way to get rid of my loneliness but more than anything i feel super lonely despite the amount of people who are around me.
i just feel sick to my stomach and i just want to disappear more than anything.
i’ve been playing significantly more sad songs these days and my discovery of this linkin park’s song called ‘one more light’ is definitely just keeping me sad quite all the time. so. yeah.
I ate a bunch of bbq lays and now my stomach is hurting like crazy.. ieat too much junk food and i need to be awake at 8:00 tomorrow technically bc of a meeting but i’d probably keep sleeping until 8:30 because i am a lazy motherfucker.
ayways, i cant help but feel extremely guilty for being depressed these past few days to my friend. she texted me last night but me being the depressed shit i am, i left my phone dead because i really didnt want anyoen to contact me. and i have made that isolation for myself.
altough i really want to start trying to do environments. although i need to stop expecting too much from myself because it took me 2 years to just learn humans and even now i still have much to improve on. i am pretty weak in materials, colors, and what not. especially colors. it has only been recently that i have gotten a bit more comfortable with clothing materials. but other than that, i am pretty shitty.
you know what, that feeling of that i am not improving or that i am in fact just dis-improving is just constantly in my head.
i am considering to do meditation again because i suck at everything i feel like because my head is always so cluttered and just keeps wanting to rush to someplace. who knows twhat that someplace is. maybe it is perfection? nah. it’s wanting to get to a level of certain artists \
but i mean, to get to a certain level of gesture drawing.. anatomy, speed, it took 2 fucking years. it will take 2 more fucking years for me to be ‘used to’ drawing environments. I just need to calm myself down and say to myself that i am not gonna be perfect
i am thinking of a way to do envis
- makethe effing lineart
- do some gaussian blur on lineart
- make a layer under it for colors
- go to town with the colors
- get rid of the lineart eventually