random thoughts

Explaining my hiatus

I feel like I just have to write this for my own purposes because I’ve honestly just been feeling so lost and no longer have any idea on how to cope. So here goes.

Drawing has always been my way of expressing myself, to escape from the world. I’ve always used drawing as a to cope with depression and anxiety. I was actually creating instead of destroying myself. It gives me stuff to look forward to, like “oh hey I can’t wait to study what things in different lighting conditions look like” or “I can’t wait to draw this thing from my favorite anime tomorrow after I get home from work.” As bullshit as it sounds, drawing gave me purpose and a reason to keep moving no matter how monotone my life had become.

Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t hold up anymore. In fact, drawing, on most days, make me feel even worse. Mostly because my insecurities creep up more than usual these days. Whenever I finish a drawing, so many thoughts come up. Mostly negative. Like, “you didn’t do the anatomy right,” “you color like a fucking idiot,” “you should’ve drawn it like this one artist”, “you deserve all the hate,” or “people say good things to you only because they’re sorry for you”. So I took breaks. But the thoughts then turn into “you’re a lazy fuck, you can’t do anything other than being useless”. It’s just an endless cycle of negative thoughts whenever I do ANYTHING, and I just couldn’t handle it.

Whenever I look at my old drawings, I feel jealous. Because I used to be so happy whenever I draw. Because I never really thought about any thing much other than just having fun. But now I can’t help but equate my self-worth to the amount of likes I get. There are many times where I’m like “oh yay i love this drawing I made” but then it doesn’t get that many likes so then I end up hating the thing I was proud of making.

I have people who follow my work. But I am too insecure to realize that it’s a good thing, not a bad thing. Most days, I just feel a lot of pressure about needing to keep up with my follower’s expectations and that I have to make sure that they like it or that I need to post regularly and on time. The people who follow my work, they are extremely wonderful. But since I have a shitty brain, I always think that their nice comments/DMs are just so that I don’t feel bad about myself, and that they clearly don’t mean it seriously. Not just online, I always believe that people who say good things about me are just lying. So, no matter how much and how often I receive good feedback, it won’t change anything because they mean nothing to me. Which makes me feel like a piece of shit because people actually took the time to say those things to me. Plus I feel so irresponsible for throwing away all the work I’ve put in for these past few years.

Then I’ve come to realize that my stress in drawing really has nothing to do with drawing. I’ve just become disinterested in things. I can’t watch movies, can’t read books, can’t scribble. Literally the only thing that keeps me busy now is going on 9gag.com and scrolling through the same memes over and over again trying to laugh out all my problems. I take sleeping pills and some nights I take too much on purpose because I honestly just wanna die. I don’t look forward to anything else in life because nothing has meaning anymore. Sure, when I die, some people are going to be sad. But I’ll give it 5 years tops and they’ll forget about me. Even if they don’t, everyone I know is going to die in 60 years anyway. Nothing will matter after that. So what difference does it make if I die today?

tl;dr: I just want to disappear. I don’t want anyone to notice me. I don’t want anyone to know that I had existed. I don’t want anyone to remember me. And it’s funny that nothing anyone say will change me. The only person who can change me is me, but i don’t know how.

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random thoughts

ok so this online article told me to list good things about myself so i’m going to do it

Nothing.

FUCKING TRY HARDER

alright, alright.. That was the instinctual answer.. I’ll try harder.

  1. I attempt to work hard at least
  2. I don’t try to hate people
  3. I am interested in other people’s beliefs, like i want to know what its like from their perspective
  4. i can play piano i guess.
  5. i draw things
  6. I still wake up in the mornings to fulfill my work responsibilities
  7. i walk places

literally i can’t say anything good about myself without being so timid about it. fuck. on the other hand it’s so easy to list the bad stuff.

random thoughts

The only thing making me feel this way is myself

I am my worst critic. I am my own demon. If the devil exists, I am so sure that it is my inner critic. She ruins my life, tells me I’m not good enough, tells me that no matter how good  I am, i will never be good enough. plain and simple. She tells me that i have no meaning, tells me that everybody hates and is better off without me. tells me that being happy/content is not going to get me anywhere, so stop being happy. you shouldn’t look forward to being happy. you should fear happiness. she tells me to kill myself 24/7. whenever i try to push her deep down, she always comes back somehow. and she convinces me that i need her because being too happy isn’t good. she tells me to binge eat but then tells me to hate myself for it. she tells me to do dumb things based on emotions and then hits me in the head for it. i can never win.

She is there wherever i go.

random thoughts

Am I blaming depression for my problems?

This past week I’ve been trying to push myself to draw. But i couldn’t do much. Yesterday I did some stuff. But nothing special. Just black and white kind of things. I’ve been wanting to be more productive but nothing is working. i keep finding myself just lying down on my bed in the middle of the day. And that just make me feel useless.

Although, I decided to watch this anime haikyu and it’s giving me a bit of adrenaline to make me forget depression a little bit. But then whenever i finish watching i always just fall back to the depression state without fail.

I duno, i just feel like an utter failure for everything. i am not drawing. i am not proud of myself at workk, i feel useless to my friends and family. i feel useless to myself. the fact that i keep telling myself that im not good enogh and that i should kill mysef isnt really helping either. i just feel like an utter failure. and in the midst of everything i keep remembering my past cringy moments and i just want to slap myself ver and over again.

i just think about when, if ever, i would have control over my anxiety and depression to the point where even if i were experiencing them at the moment, i could still go about my day. but really, i haven’t been doing much. really, am i just blaming depression for my evident laziness?

Iv ebeen so anxious whenever i think about my family. about what i can do. abotu how they think of me. Why do i still care about what they think of me though? I hate my aunt so much to the point where i would celebrate her funeral. if her funeral ever came. when will it come though? I have zero respect for them. i shouldn’t be caring about what they think of me. if anything, i don’t want to do what they do because they are the kind of people i don’t want to be. they belittle others and everything. its a lot of hate. and i cannot handle it.

i just want to cry but i cant. i am not sad. just so anxious. what am i going to do after this? i really cannot accomplish anything so what am i going to do? nothing more than a failure and i am weak. i am just too stubborn to stop. i keep going but the roads keep diverging and i have no fucking idea where i am. not even sure if the road will ever converge. hoping that it will would be a miracle. i have no idea.

i think about death a lot. like how everything would be much better without me. the world would still go on its day without me. so why go on at all? i don’t have purpose anymore anyways. i am anxious about everything. more anxious about everything more than usual, as a matter of fact. i freaked out over a falling leaf thinking it was a dead bird. my imagination is just everywhere. i take things too far too quickly in my head, and it really does nothing but destroy me. it’s not great.

random thoughts

Drawing depression creeping up, can’t continue drawing studies, crippling fear of failure, negative thoughts, feeling of worthlessness, i shouldn’t even exist anymore.

Ok, a lot going on. I haven’t written in a while. Let’s address all of my thoughts one by one.

So, I’ve been doing this course on lighting/color from schoolism and it is an awesome course and i am fucking learning a lot but i am also failing a lot because lighting/color is one of my very worst areas. So I am basically failing at everything and it’s kind of driving me crazy because it’s like i am so stupid at everything i don’t even deserve anything. you know those kinds of things. so last week i took it easier which worked for  a little while but now i’m just like taking it even further because i really cannot continue at the moment. i need a break like for real because i am just driving myself nuts because i have high expectations for myself and i can never reach it and whenever i try to do something it turns out so badly that i just wanna FUCKING GIVE UP and kill myself and never continue because of how fucking bad i am and how better other people are. and like i’ve been trying to convince myself that DOING something is enough but then its like my brain is telling me IM A FUCKING LOSER YOU FUCKING LOSER over and over again so it kinda just paralyzes me and i end up feeling just so bad about my fucking self. And then i just never continue and it just scares because what if i end up just stopping and just never improving in the end because i am a fucking idiot and i give up way too easily and i am a failure just like always and I AM NOT DESEVING OF ANYTHING because i am simply not good enough and i should just throw myself in a well. Anyways, I’m going to take a bit of a break and recover and then continue again. because i reallyw ant to finish the course. 😦

I’ve realized that the problem i’m having right now is that i have a lot of negative thoughts just flying around. like im so depressed that i forgot what it feels like not to be depressed. i do not know what satisfaction or happiness feels like tbh. Every morning it’s just like i just want to die, don’t ever want to get out of bed, i just want to cry. then at work it’s like i just wanna kill myself kill myself KILL MY FUCKING SELF. Then at home it’s like i am the fucking worst because i can’t do this and that then at nights it’s just like i am an idiot because i didn’t do much today I AM THE FUCKING WORST and it just repeats the next day. I literally just spend 99% of my time thinking about the worst in myself and just saying to myself that i am unworthy of ANYTHING. it’s taking over too much lately and i don’t know how to stop.

And it doesn’t help that whenever somebody reprimands me i always think it’s like a personal attack. like today one of my co workers told me to shut up because of course, i was talking with a nother coworker in a place that we shouldn’t be talking because it’s like a public area where people work and like that makes sense but somehow my brain just believes its because i am the worst possible human being because im like being a nuisance to another person’s existence and like why would i purposely annoy somebody i am such a fucking selfish pig. the same thing when my roommate told me to shut up because i was on the phone too loud and like i felt like a fucking waste of space because i am just alive to be a nuisance to somebody I AM A LOSER and like whenever i have conversations and people just fucking hate my opinions actually they probably dont hate my opinions but mauybe because i just hate it when people disagree with me too much but at the same time if people agree with me too much i get bored so like what the hell do i fucking want? I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHIGN T_T and like I HATE IT BECAUSE MY CO WORKER FUCKING TOLD ME THAT i was criticizing something just to find things to criticize it and it just makes me so fucking sad because like its as if im such a fucking failure ctually i dont even know wy that makes me sad because i don’t think it’s supposed to make me sad but it does because it just kinda shows how worthless i am and the fact that i dont have any important thoughts to share, only emotions to share and i am overall worthless, a waste of space, my opinions mean nothing and i should just stop tryig to make people realize my existence because really everybody is better off without me.

i should stop giving having people acknowledge my existence.

i just want to live in the background. just a random passerby in everyone’s lives. i don’t want to be associated with anyone and anyone shouldn’t be associated with me because their lives are not better with me, it becomes worse.

i am ugly, i am not pretty, i am disgusting, i don’t deserve good things, i deserve all the bad things, i can’t do anything right, i am not intelligent, i don’t try to hard enough, i am useless, i never try to be nice, i am always an asshole, i can never make things right, things always go wrong with me, i don’t make good decisions, i live in the past and future, but never in the present, i never think about important problems that need to be solved, i am lazy, i am too strict with other people, i am not empathetic,  i don’t have friends, i am lonely and will always be, i am wasting my time, i worry too much, i get depressed to much, i should just STOP being depressed and actually TRY to get out of it but i am too LAZY to do ir because that is just who i am. i never make an effort to be HAPPIER, i get into other’s business too much, it would be better if i killed myself, nobody needs me, people are better off when i didn’t exist, all i do is cry , get angry, and never create anything useful. i am ultimately useless and i shouldn’tve been alive in the first place.

nobody wants me. everybody always says im not enough. the only time when i am good is when i follow pepople’s instrucions on what good is. i am useless. i am ugly and disgusting nobody wants me! i am repeating things because those are the things that are repeating in my head like a broken record. my thoughts are consuming me. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO OK I JUST WANT TO CRY ALL THE TIME AND THATS ALL THATS WHAT MY LIFE IS AND NOTHING MORE.