random thoughts

Drawing depression, yet again.

I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I have a friend who literally lives right next to me but I’ve been unresponsive for the past few days mainly because I feel extremely depressed and disappointed in myself in art. Basically, I joined this schoolism class on lighting and i am just so fucking bad at it and i fucking suck at everything. So i’ve been depressed. That might be the only thing causing me depression right now, maybe something else is. Honestly theres nothing at work that’s causing me depression. so what else can it be? it could also be the fact that my friend is staying with me and for some reason i feel vulnerable and naked and afraid for reasons that i don’t know. i mean, theoretically having a friend with me is the best way to get rid of my loneliness but more than anything i feel super lonely despite the amount of people who are around me.

i just feel sick to my stomach and i just want to disappear more than anything.

i’ve been playing significantly more sad songs these days and my discovery of this linkin park’s song called ‘one more light’ is definitely just keeping me sad quite all the time. so. yeah.

I ate a bunch of bbq lays and now my stomach is hurting like crazy.. ieat too much junk food and i need to be awake at 8:00 tomorrow technically bc of a meeting but i’d probably keep sleeping until 8:30 because i am a lazy motherfucker.

ayways, i cant help but feel extremely guilty for being depressed these past few days to my friend. she texted me last night but me being the depressed shit i am, i left my phone dead because i really didnt want anyoen to contact me. and i have made that isolation for myself.

altough i really want to start trying to do environments. although i need to stop expecting too much from myself because it took me 2 years to just learn humans and even now i still have much to improve on. i am pretty weak in materials, colors, and what not. especially colors. it has only been recently that i have gotten a bit more comfortable with clothing materials. but other than that, i am pretty shitty.

you know what, that feeling of that i am not improving or that i am in fact just dis-improving is just constantly in my head.

i am considering to do meditation again because i suck at everything i feel like because my head is always so cluttered and just keeps wanting to rush to someplace. who knows twhat that someplace is. maybe it is perfection? nah. it’s wanting to get to a level of certain artists \

but i mean, to get to a certain level of gesture drawing.. anatomy, speed, it took 2 fucking years. it will take 2 more fucking years for me to be ‘used to’ drawing environments. I just need to calm myself down and say to myself that i am not gonna be perfect

i am thinking of a way to do envis

  • makethe effing lineart
  • do some gaussian blur on lineart
  • make a layer under it for colors
  • go to town with the colors
  • get rid of the lineart eventually
random thoughts

Tired, getting pressure, feeling numb

I’m right now having this feeling that I am addicted to: sleepiness.

I just took 2 sleeping pills, because just one isn’t enough. I just feel so not myself today because of the anxiety from work today. I don’t even want to talk about it. My friend is currently staying with me and one of the benefits of haing a friend with you is so that you have somebody to talk to. But I am too depressed to do that right now. Either that or I hate talking about bad news in general. I don’t like to complain much. At least, I try not to. Actually, I do complain sometime. But I put it outin a burst of anger. Sort of. Today I kinda did burst in anger a little bit in the office. But I try to mask it out with humor. But in reality, my blood is just boiling. And I just really wanted to escape. Yup, that’s me. Escaping when situations get bad.

More than that, I am simply just getitng pressure from these people to finish things. Sigh.

I just feel numb right now actually. Not happy. Not sad. Not depressed.. I don’t feel like myself. I fear a lot of things. I played the piano for 1.5 hrs today but didn’t draw. I don’t htink I wil because i’ll be sleeping in a bit, even though it is only 8:19 PM now.

Duno, i’m considering taking an art class. It should be fun. I am sayng that without excitement though. I am just numb to be honest.

random thoughts

No longer improving in art

I feel depressed now. I feel like I am no longer improving in art. When I look at my art from like January, it doesn’t feel like any has changed. If anything I feel like I was better before than now.

Sigh, i just feel so despondent right now.

Today afternoon I had a call with one of my bosses and of course, I feel immensely stupid. so, yeah. What are you gonna do. I’m excited to be out of here, really.

I just want to continue my art adventures.. with the money I am earning that is how i choose to spend it. i feel so sad, depressed.

depression

Weekend Depression, forgetting what it’s like to be happy

Not only do I get depressed on the weekdays because of work.. I often get severely depressed on the weekends as well. For no reason other than feeling utterly useless. Yesterday was the worst one in a while. It was actually very hard to get out of bed. Usually, when I’m depressed, I could still force myself to do things. But yesterday was one of those really bad days. I was literally just lying there listening to music and just wanting to close my eyes even if it was only 3pm. I woke up at 1:30pm that day.

Yesterday I was to the point where I WANTED to go to work.. to get rid of the feeling of being useless and all. Not saying that at work I am not useless.. but at least there I am doing something .. regardless if it is done well or not..

So yeah, I don’t really know what else to say other than I am just so depressed I wish I could cry but I couldn’t because I am not sad. Okay, maybe I am a bit sad for myself. Because it feels as though no matter how good things get this is how I would feel all the time and it’s not a very good feeling to be depressed all the time. I don’t know what to do. And it kind of scares me. Because I have spent few hours feeling that I would eventually kill myself in the future. Don’t know when or how. But I just kind of fear for myself that I would do something in the future. When I am a couple of years older, when I would put an end to myself.

A part of why I feel that way is because it is as if I have no reason to live anymore now. I am not needed. I always somehow push my friends away. I never do anything right. I always disappoint family and friends. I draw but that’s all I can do, and I don’t even do it well. I code for a living. I don’t even want to do it. Everyday I feel like I am dying. Even now, I’m not even coding. Just doing a bunch of useless tasks like a fucking intern. People encourage me and say I’m not useless and that i’m doing well.. but somehow I just don’t believe it? Inside, I am just lonely, sad, depressed, always longing, and anxious… It’s always a storm in my brain and I don’t know how to stop it. I always sleep so much because I am always so sad. I forgot what it feels like to be ‘happy.’ To be satisfied with something. To feel like I am ‘enough.’ I really don’t know what it feels like anymore. It’s the same feeling when I think about my eyesight. I’ve been wearing glasses for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what it feels like for a normal person to see. I don’t know what it’s like to be happy. I don’t know what joy feels like.

It is now mid-August. It’s insane how close I am to ending my work here. None of them now about it until now, so I’m still really trying to figure out how to break the bad news once it has to come.. It’s getting closer and close and I don’t know what to do about it, really. I’ve just been trying to avoid things.

Although, leaving will be bitter sweet. There are some moments when I love working there.. MOST times though.. I just wish I could leave as soon as possible. I am just very tired and sick of everything. I just want to run away. Run far far away and never come back. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to be remembered. I don’t want to have existed at all. There is no point in doing any of this.

Welp, it’s nearly 1 AM now and I got work tomorrow. To be honest I’m kind of glad I have work.. well, yeah at the same time I wish there wasn’t work. But it’s like same old same old. But at least it’s not rock bottom. Sigh. I don’t know. I just feel very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone because I don’t want to be with other people. I just don’t understand myself.

depression · random thoughts · suicide

End of week 17. Snapping, suicide, losing interest in life

so yesterday i snapped because i was angry. I was angry because my friend whom i am mad at didnt take responsibility for a certain action. But being the bitch that i am, of course i dont tell her that. And its not her fault either actually. I just really like the satisfaction that somebody had to take responsibility for me lol, i am a dik. So i snapped, i pressed a bunch o keys on her keyboard, and she got mad at me bc she thinks it will break and then i took a long walk, probably nearly 3 hours. I walked to the metro, to the park, accross the road where there are a lotta car brands, the park again, watched a bunch of people play basketball and tennis, sat on the park benches, punched a bunch of benches because i was still angry, punched some walls, sang sad songs, walked around safeway, discovered many cool places, came back home at 10:30pm. Then i told hwr if the keyboard happens to break, which i doubt, because ive smashed many keyboards in the past and they dont break by key smashing, and she said if u wanna replace it go ahead, im like well lol. I guess i shoulda expected that response. She doesnt know how to handle others sadness i guess. Well, particularly, my sadness because nobody can handle it so i dont blame her anyways. One time when i was on a mental break down she told me to keep thinking of myself as a loser and kill myself . Ok maybe she didnt tell me to kill myself but i felt that way. I am such a fucking loser.

Anyway im kinda pissed at her, even tho i probably shouldnt be. I am just a complicated bitch and i hate myself. So i spent the rest of the night swallowing anxiety pills bc i ran out of sleeping pills so i need to sleep help and crying because suddenly felt how alone i am, that i inherently am unable to accept anybody in my life. The only friend I have in indo wont reply my texts, the one friend i have accessible, i kinda threw her away. For some reason whenever i throw people away i always feel good at a short term.. because people have weaknesses and i hate weaknesses somehow. Of course people are not perfect, but my fucking brain will always try to amgnify the bad things, making it so that kicking people out of my life much easier.. but in the long run it makes me very lonely. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

that night i contacted 741741, crying, because i really felt like I wanted to kill myself this weekend. Because it had just dawned on me that i am extremely useless and i dont deserve anything, and whenever i am in contact with another person i always end up ruining everything and hurting them. I just really want to not participate in life at all. I just like to observe in silence, with no intentions. I just want to stop existing, i want to be forgotten. I never asked for life,i want to die. I dont deserve anything good at all.

i just feel so hurt a lot because a lot of people think that I am simply smart, can do several things without trying. In fact, for everything that i do, is all done by hard work. But all they say is that i am ‘talented’ or ‘lucky.’ Of course, i owe a lot to being lucky. But sometimes i’d like people to realize that nobody did some magic on me to make me who i am. I can do things because ive sacrificed a lot to achieve what i want. Things i sacrifice include friends and family. In the end, i am very lonely. My piano and drawing skills is literally all i have to keep me company. Theyre not necessarily the best company though. In fact, they give me a lot of depression. But its the kind of depression that I am addicted to, i keep coming back for more.

ive realized that having a working life now has made me so much more bland as a person. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. When i was in college, i was always fired up with new ideas… but now i dont. When i see apps in the app store, i dont get inspired at all. It’s just meh. I also used to be very engaged in financial knowledge, and books,.. but not anymore. I just feel empty. Ive forgotten how it feels like to feel ecstatic about something. Now, even piano and drawing gives me an average level of excitement. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Usually the ecstatic feeling i am talking about is that feeling that you get for a couple of days until you eventually feel normal aboit life again. But still, i just miss that excitement because its what made me feel alive on some days, but now i just dont feel it anymore. All thats in my mind is just my boring work and nothing else.

i still wish death to come upon me. Sometimes i think of why good people had to die too soon. Like robin williams, christina grimmie, and chester bennington. I shouldve been the one to die, not them. If i were to die, nothing would change anyway.