I feel like I just have to write this for my own purposes because I’ve honestly just been feeling so lost and no longer have any idea on how to cope. So here goes.
Drawing has always been my way of expressing myself, to escape from the world. I’ve always used drawing as a to cope with depression and anxiety. I was actually creating instead of destroying myself. It gives me stuff to look forward to, like “oh hey I can’t wait to study what things in different lighting conditions look like” or “I can’t wait to draw this thing from my favorite anime tomorrow after I get home from work.” As bullshit as it sounds, drawing gave me purpose and a reason to keep moving no matter how monotone my life had become.
Unfortunately, that fact doesn’t hold up anymore. In fact, drawing, on most days, make me feel even worse. Mostly because my insecurities creep up more than usual these days. Whenever I finish a drawing, so many thoughts come up. Mostly negative. Like, “you didn’t do the anatomy right,” “you color like a fucking idiot,” “you should’ve drawn it like this one artist”, “you deserve all the hate,” or “people say good things to you only because they’re sorry for you”. So I took breaks. But the thoughts then turn into “you’re a lazy fuck, you can’t do anything other than being useless”. It’s just an endless cycle of negative thoughts whenever I do ANYTHING, and I just couldn’t handle it.
Whenever I look at my old drawings, I feel jealous. Because I used to be so happy whenever I draw. Because I never really thought about any thing much other than just having fun. But now I can’t help but equate my self-worth to the amount of likes I get. There are many times where I’m like “oh yay i love this drawing I made” but then it doesn’t get that many likes so then I end up hating the thing I was proud of making.
I have people who follow my work. But I am too insecure to realize that it’s a good thing, not a bad thing. Most days, I just feel a lot of pressure about needing to keep up with my follower’s expectations and that I have to make sure that they like it or that I need to post regularly and on time. The people who follow my work, they are extremely wonderful. But since I have a shitty brain, I always think that their nice comments/DMs are just so that I don’t feel bad about myself, and that they clearly don’t mean it seriously. Not just online, I always believe that people who say good things about me are just lying. So, no matter how much and how often I receive good feedback, it won’t change anything because they mean nothing to me. Which makes me feel like a piece of shit because people actually took the time to say those things to me. Plus I feel so irresponsible for throwing away all the work I’ve put in for these past few years.
Then I’ve come to realize that my stress in drawing really has nothing to do with drawing. I’ve just become disinterested in things. I can’t watch movies, can’t read books, can’t scribble. Literally the only thing that keeps me busy now is going on 9gag.com and scrolling through the same memes over and over again trying to laugh out all my problems. I take sleeping pills and some nights I take too much on purpose because I honestly just wanna die. I don’t look forward to anything else in life because nothing has meaning anymore. Sure, when I die, some people are going to be sad. But I’ll give it 5 years tops and they’ll forget about me. Even if they don’t, everyone I know is going to die in 60 years anyway. Nothing will matter after that. So what difference does it make if I die today?
tl;dr: I just want to disappear. I don’t want anyone to notice me. I don’t want anyone to know that I had existed. I don’t want anyone to remember me. And it’s funny that nothing anyone say will change me. The only person who can change me is me, but i don’t know how.