random thoughts

Week 14 Thursday – Worried. So worried.

So basically my fucking pm is telling me to work on this one thing as a priority and i’m like ok, but the thing is it doesnt seem like the tech lead knows this bc like i think the pm is getting much pressure from the stakeholder so like she’s pushing me to do this even tho theres not much reqs to go off of and plus the thing this program builds on top of is pretty fucking dumb and it messes me up and im just like FUCK

So today he asked me if im comfortable with the task, im not sure what he means but im probably overthinking it, probably he doesnt mean like i am dumb on this hes just trying to help me and the thing is i am ok with it and i think i got most of it down u know? so like why am i feeling so fucking worried all the time? 😦

random thoughts

Anxiety Dreams: Late & Homesick

I don’t know why I keep having anxiety. Last night I dreamt that I was late for work. But that isn’t the only time.. the one last night was because the clock kept changing so I was never sure what the time was. The clock at my house says 9AM, but then my phone says 9PM, but when I came to work it was 12PM and when I looked at my phone it was 8:56AM. I had a meeting at 9AM today so that’s why it’s 9-centric. Then I realized I was probably late and then I jolted up, awake from the dream. Not only was I late, but I was also thinking about my friends and family. I dreamt that I was at home and my dad took me to work with his motorcycle and my sister was there too. Then I hung out with my friends: my high school friends, and my indonesian friends at TTU. These are probably homesick dreams and it has happened many times over the weeks. Once i dreamt I was going to get something for my sister until I realized I’m just dreaming. I got a bit depressed after that.

random thoughts

Losing interest in everything

Right now I feel depressed. Not sure why though. I finished watching Your lie in april, which a very good anime with a not so very happy ending. But I dont think that caused my depression today. I am just depressed, just because.

I can’t enjoy any movies. I can’t enjoy anything. I can’t even draw today. I played the piano today at least. At times like this, I am always just afraid that it will always be like this.

Even writing this post is heavy.

random thoughts

Praise from family

Who doesn’t love praise? I love praise. I am not afraid to admit that I love getting validation. Although, I don’t like it when that praise involves “showing me off” to other people. This applies only to my parents and some members in my fucking family.

Ya see, I know that if you have a child, and that child does something good, you’re proud of them. I get it. Now, what I hate is that my parents show me off to others. Saying that my salary is more, my job is better, how I’m living in the united states and all that shit. Like what the fuck? You talk about my ‘successes’ to other people because you don’t have anything else to talk about.. I hate it. I hate that so much! The good things in my life is 10% of my overall life.. I may look ‘successful’ on the outside, because that is what I try to project.. But I’m on the verge of mental breakdown 24/7. I get anxiety pills, I can never sleep, I am always tired, I always feel like shit at work, I am always longing to go home, but at the same time I don’t want to see my family because my family is fucking shit. I get panic attacks occasionally. I dread going to sleep every night. I feel like dying every morning. Plus, I might be the one to die the fastest because I only eat pizza rolls and instant noodles everyday.

Sigh.

What I hate more is that, my parents never say that they are proud of me whatsoever. They just always act so disappointed in me. Like whenever I do something good, they don’t see it. All they see is what I have not achieved. For example, I got a job. To me that is a great achievement. Now my dad don’t give a fuck. All he sees is the fact that I have not yet gathered enough money for my sister. And it’s been like that since little. He doesn’t care that I get good grades. All he feels is disappointment that my grades aren’t higher. Like for the UN exams , I got like a 92 but the national record is like 95 or something. He doesn’t give a shit that I got a 92. All he sees is that it’s not 95. Now he’s trying to do the same for my sister. He literally said to her “YOU HAVE TO FIND MONEY.” Like, she’s only 15 for pete’s sake. He is the grown up, his wife is the grown up. The people who are supposed to take care of her, literally told her to take care of herself.

Sigh. My parents do not know how to be parents. All they want to do is just to have offspring because that is what people do. They are delusional, have no purpose, no goals, don’t really try.

I also just hate it when they use me as an ‘example,’ as if saying that if people are not me, then they are bad people or they’re not trying enough. Really? You’re basically comparing my strength to another person’s weakness.. And the same thing the other way around. They always compare my weaknesses to other’s stengths.. And it’s like if I am not them, then I am a bad person. I grew up in that environment, and I grew up to be such a depressed, anxious, always longing, never happy, never satisfied kind of person. I mean it’s good that I am always trying to reach for something better.. but they are not for the right reasons. I do things because I am afraid that if I don’t do it, then I will be a bad person. The good thing is, the fear is that the only thing that pushes me.. sometimes I am pushed by pure curiosity, which is always good. But I have to admit that the fear is the stronger push.

I wished that.. I was never brought up in this kind of family.

I was always demeaned. They USED me to demean others. They don’t ever really say ‘good job’ for the sake of you did a good job. It’s always ‘good job, now make money out of it.’ They never tell me that I am enough. They tell me that I can’t be where I am now because if I stay the way I am, I will have trouble in the future. They can never talk to me without having any hidden intentions. They always gossip about me. They talk about me as if they know everything about me. I was left to find out how to do my own self-improvement. There is no role-model in my family. Just people who I never want to be when I get older. They blame me for everything. They make me feel small and hopeless.

They are no more than toxic. I never want to be involved with them. Ever again. I was always alone in my room because I am afraid of them. Afraid of being judged. But in the past, I have always thought that they were right. Now, I don’t anymore. And even if there is a second when it SEEMS that they are right, they’re wrong. Never trust them again. Ever.