I’m writing a rather depressing topic today. Sorry in advance.
I was scrolling though my Facebook feed the other day and found my friend’s screenshot of Timehop, an app that tells you what you did years ago on your social media. I don’t know why this app got so popular. I mean, why would you wanna know what idiotic things you wrote when you were 10?? But oops I downloaded it anyway. I found posts I wrote when I was 14, and DANG every single one of them were depressing: “I hate life,” “life is unfair,” “I want to commit suicide,” “is depressed,” “DED” (which, by the way, meant ‘dead’), “I’m gonna die,” “my death is near.” All of these were in addition to lyrics of depressing songs. I was also surprised by how many ‘when will you die’ quizzes I had taken.
I’d like to say to 14-year-old me that her depression will vanish by the time she reaches 20. But then I’d be lying. Even until now, depression hits me occasionally to the point that sudden suicidal thoughts do not strike me as surprising. I have difficulty sleeping, not because of insomnia, but because I am just afraid of waking up the next day. I make excuses for not hanging out with my friends by day, and then I’d cry myself to sleep by night because I feel lonely. I’m weird.
But this got me thinking.. six whole years and nothing has changed. What does this make me? Have I done nothing these past few years? I’ve heard that nothing lasts forever. But deep down I am just really afraid that my depression, my failures, and my stupidity as human beings are just meant to follow me to my grave. Even if they did get better at something, I am afraid that because ‘nothing lasts forever,’ my good improvements would revert back to being what I had just started with.
Ever since young, I have always been very shy around people. When I was in high school, my friends made fun of me for not being able to do public speaking. Well, nothing lasts forever. Over the past 2 years, I used all of my courage to take a teaching job, be master of ceremony at several events, and spoke on videos that were to be shown in front of hundreds of people. I joined several organizations, relatively became MUCH more outgoing, and made some changes in people’s lives. I was not the same shy girl just 2 years ago that people liked to make fun of. But, yet again, nothing lasts forever. Because here I am right now at 5AM, writing this post, because I feel like a lonely loser. I starved myself in my room because my roommate and her friends were in the kitchen all day and I just don’t want to experience any social interactions. I purposely pulled an all nighter just so I could tell my friends I was ‘tired’ as an excuse not to hang out with them. I feel like I’m just back to square one. Yet AGAIN.
I guess the reason why I feel like this today is because I was drawing before I started writing this post. I feel a lot of pressure right now because I am working on an application for art school. I felt depressed because the drawing was not as good as the drawings I did only a few weeks ago. All the proportions were out of hand and the colors were all off… I was back to square one. This made me question if my drawing ‘talents’ were real… because it doesn’t seem like it is right now. Nothing lasts forever.. not even the good ones.
This also made me think about my good buddy of mine. Her parents were rich. The family lived in a big house and had maids. Her dad was an inventor and was quite well known. ‘Nothing lasts forever’ strikes again. A few years later, they moved to a different country, and they are living a difficult life. Her mom is working 18 hours a day with three jobs. Her dad is working hard to finish a degree and it seems that everything is going way out of hand. It’s sad.
Honestly, I’m just really scared of this uncertainty. I’m scared that I will never improve my skills/my life. I’m scared that I would get worse instead of getting better. Every single day, I feel useless.