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My Roommate.

Being a person with depression and social anxiety, I do not have many friends and I generally don’t fit in with any group of people. I only have one friend at my university. She is my roommate. And unfortunately, I don’t like her.

She is a lot of things. One of them is hypocritical. She treats as if everyone in this world is not pure except for herself. She complains about literally anyone: her brother, her parents, her sister (whom she is very close with), the sales clerk, and the list goes on. And SHE calls THEM hypocrites. Many of the reasons why she hates people are simply absurd and have no evidence. For example, she thinks that this girl hates her because “she was talking less.” Are you serious?  What I hate most about this is, because she is “not allowed” to hate anybody (according to her), she will talk to them as if nothing happened.. but she does this WHILE backbiting. I still cannot decide whether this is good or bad. When I hate somebody, I simply do not talk to them as a signal I do not enjoy being around them; do not know if this is the best response to hate. On the flip side, she keeps hanging around with them as if she’s best friends but then keeps adding up their sins as she goes along. Why would you go to this extent just to backbite? She tells me that I am her “best friend” just as she tells me that her sister is her “best friend.” But yet she talks bad about her sister occasionally. Sometimes I wonder if she ever talks about me.

She is also the type of person who thinks that she cannot control her own life. She is convinced that her mind and body is owned by her father. She joins clubs she doesn’t like. She enrolls in majors and takes classes she doesn’t like. She identifies herself as a strong and cunning person but yet she keeps making excuses as to why she doesn’t argue with her dad about her career choices. Her grades are slipping because of her lack of interest in her field of study. She failed calculus twice (and now possibly three times) because her talent lies on the creative field, not in the logical one. She makes plans for the future about following her passion to becoming an artist but doesn’t even have the drive to make a quick and easy deviantArt account. “Tomorrow” she says. “After the exams” she says. “When I’m not busy” she says. I hate to be blunt but if she keeps up that attitude, she will never succeed in anything. NEVER. How are you supposed to succeed if you simply don’t want to succeed?

She is also obsessed with her religion. Well, there is nothing bad about her own obsession with the religion itself. What ticks me off is that she treats me and everyone else as if the world follows her religion. She also attempted to convert me into her religion many times. What she does not know is that I have declared myself Agnostic. Why don’t I just tell her you ask? Well, it’s because I really want to know more about her religion. I like talking about how diverse our world is. I think it’s beautiful.

She thinks that she is witty. But her arguments do not make sense as they all revolve around her religion. I tell her about my anxiety dreams and how my real life worries are manifesting into my dreams. She tells me it’s just the angels sent from God. I tell her gay marriage should be legal. She tells me gay marriage is unnatural because it goes against her holy book. She corrects my vocabulary because they do not match with the ones in her holy book. Do you know how much that FUCKING PISSES ME OFF?

I will see her again in less than 2 weeks. Let’s see how much longer I can be sane.

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Jealousy.

I get jealous of other people’s lives sometimes and for the first time in my life, I truly admit to myself that I absolutely do not know what the hell to do with my life.

It goes without saying that I am not the only one who experiences depression. I relate to a lot of people who are stuck with no options in life; in some instances, I feel a level of comfort.. something to remind me that I don’t live the worst life. No matter when or where it is, I feel that I don’t deserve to be depressed because at least I don’t live in an insane asylum. But the feeling of not being alone stops when a person who admits they have depression is a whole lot more successful than I am.

There is a girl who writes a blog. I don’t know her. She is from the same country as I am and she studies abroad in the United States, just like I do. She wrote her experiences with depression and her miserable relationships with her parents. But when I looked up her linkedIn profile, I saw she had patents, meaningful jobs, research experiences, and many more. These are the things that I was too afraid to do because of my social anxiety and depression. In short, I was jealous. Why was she able to accomplish all these things despite depression while I am sitting here on my bedroom floor at 6:46AM writing all this shit because I couldn’t sleep? I can’t stop thinking! Can I even tell myself anymore that the reason why I am still not making anything out of my life is because of depression?

They say don’t compare yourself to others because you don’t know what they’ve been through. I’ve said that sentence a billion times in my head but my thoughts just can’t stop comparing myself to others.

The reason why I came back home during winter break despite the $1,500 plane ticket was because I thought seeing my family would help me with my depression. To some extent, my depression isn’t as bad as before. At least I am no longer cooped up in my room eating chips all day. But still. I am still pretty much depressed and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gained 10 lbs over the past year because I can’t stop eating anymore. I sleep in the mornings and wake up in the afternoons because I can’t sleep at night.

After some thinking, I may go see a professional. I think that’s the only thing I can do at this point.