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Jealousy.

I get jealous of other people’s lives sometimes and for the first time in my life, I truly admit to myself that I absolutely do not know what the hell to do with my life.

It goes without saying that I am not the only one who experiences depression. I relate to a lot of people who are stuck with no options in life; in some instances, I feel a level of comfort.. something to remind me that I don’t live the worst life. No matter when or where it is, I feel that I don’t deserve to be depressed because at least I don’t live in an insane asylum. But the feeling of not being alone stops when a person who admits they have depression is a whole lot more successful than I am.

There is a girl who writes a blog. I don’t know her. She is from the same country as I am and she studies abroad in the United States, just like I do. She wrote her experiences with depression and her miserable relationships with her parents. But when I looked up her linkedIn profile, I saw she had patents, meaningful jobs, research experiences, and many more. These are the things that I was too afraid to do because of my social anxiety and depression. In short, I was jealous. Why was she able to accomplish all these things despite depression while I am sitting here on my bedroom floor at 6:46AM writing all this shit because I couldn’t sleep? I can’t stop thinking! Can I even tell myself anymore that the reason why I am still not making anything out of my life is because of depression?

They say don’t compare yourself to others because you don’t know what they’ve been through. I’ve said that sentence a billion times in my head but my thoughts just can’t stop comparing myself to others.

The reason why I came back home during winter break despite the $1,500 plane ticket was because I thought seeing my family would help me with my depression. To some extent, my depression isn’t as bad as before. At least I am no longer cooped up in my room eating chips all day. But still. I am still pretty much depressed and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gained 10 lbs over the past year because I can’t stop eating anymore. I sleep in the mornings and wake up in the afternoons because I can’t sleep at night.

After some thinking, I may go see a professional. I think that’s the only thing I can do at this point.

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