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Greenbelt, MD – Sleep

For a few days in this place, I really could not sleep. Literally the longest I was able to sleep was 6 hours. Which is odd because I am usually able to sleep 12 hours even without trying. I took sleeping pills but I cannot go past 6 hours even if I am very sleepy. Although, last night (10 days after arriving here), I was able to finally sleep for 9 hours. I’m not sure if it is because I finally had the courage to stop telling my roommate to stop having phone calls in the room, or because I had some L-theanine the night before, or because of the sleeping meds. Or maybe the combination of both. I don’t know.

Now it is 4:25AM and I should really be waking up early tomorrow so I could go to Walmart. Sigh. I am really sleepy, I wish I could go to bed easier today.

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Greenbelt, MD – Cleanliness

On January 11th, I had a flight from Lubbock at 4:45PM and arrived in Greenbelt, MD at 11:05PM. I was picked up by an african-american man whose name I did not remember correctly. But nevertheless, we solved it and I went in his shuttle van so I could settle in my new living arrangement.

At around 12PM, I arrived in a condo. My first thought was that the living room smelled very badly. It smelled like cooking spices and sweat. It felt like a place that has never been cleaned in 5 years. The kitchen was a horrible sight. The stove was brown and I decided then and there that I would not cook while I’m here. As I was taking a few steps into the unit, I also noticed a lot of trash on the floor. Brown stains on the chairs, tables, and kitchen counters. I was utterly disgusted.

I went to the room I was assigned to. There was already one person there. She was kind, but we’ll get to her later. The room was pretty small for two people. There were two mattresses without a base, a room lamp between the mattresses, a closet that took up one wall, two study tables and two chairs. I decided not to unpack that day since it was so late. Instead, I went for a walk outside.

The time was around 2AM. One of the other roommates told me that there is a 24 hour CVS 15 minutes away. I decided to go there since I love lone walks.

I might have slept at around 4 AM that day. However, the worst was to come.

The next day, I decided to explore the condo more. Unfortunately, I could not enjoy it fully because the place was definitely unhygienic. I could not sit on the sofa for more than 5 minutes because it smelled like sweat. Because of that, I did not have the courage to lean on the sofa. I placed a paper towel on the sofa and sat on it so I could sit on the sofa. When I was done with the sofa, I took the paper towel out and sniffed it. It smelled like  5,000 of people’s sweat combined. The only thing I am glad about is how the bathroom is not as dirty as the living room, dining room, or kitchen.

For the next few days, I tried to endure the horrors of the condo unit. Hoping that things would get better. I thought, maybe I was just hateful because it was a new place. Then I decided to keep studying for the upcoming training.

Fast forward to a week after I arrived in Greenbelt. I decided to e-mail my higher up to ask if I could be moved into a different unit because I decided I could not take it anymore with the uncleanliness that could potentially give me some sort of disease. The very next day, everyone in my apartment was called for a meeting. When we all got there, my higher up basically yelled at them for not being clean. At one side, I felt bad because I technically caused this. But on the other side, I hope that the unit will be cleaner soon.

Going home from the meeting, my roommates did not completely try to solve the uncleanliness problem. They sprayed the whole unit with airwick, which did not even solve the smell problem because the air freshener only tried to mask the odor. They tried to clean around but they only managed to clean the stove.

The next day I decided I really cannot wait for anyone to do things for me. So I decided to clean every inch of the kitchen: the counters, the toaster, rice cooker, microwave, and floors. There was probably more, really. I was even talking to somebody in the HR to see if they would have anything to make the sofa stop smelling. This was yesterday.

Today, I feel much better about living here. For the first few days, I really did not think I could survive here because the smell was unbearable and my stuff were starting to smell horrible. But now that it is clean, I suppose I can manage to stay here longer.

 

 

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Mental Abuse

My childhood could have been better.

I am not going to say that I had a bad childhood, because it was alright. I watched many cartoons, played games, and drew a lot. However, if someone could grant me a wish, I wish that the mental abuse from my adult family members when I was a child was kept to a minimum. Most of the things my family said about me were not true in the slightest. Most times, they probably said it because they were having a hard day. But I still believed them. And I still do.

“You’re just a result of sex.”

“You are a terrible older sister. You don’t care for your siblings.”

“You’re a bitch.”

“You’re so irresponsible.”

“You don’t work hard enough.”

“Your decisions are all bad. I told you to change them, but you didn’t. Now you’re stuck.”

“You’re not good enough because you can’t find a job.”

“Do not waste your time. You have no time.”

“You are selfish. You only think about yourself.”

These absolute statements  (such as “you are,” “you don’t,” “you have”) really can destroy the mind of a child, especially since it is really hard to distinguish between true and false statements about yourself when you are younger. At that age range, you know about yourself based on what other people say about you.

Those negative comments have never left my head even after these years. I notice that most of the time, I am very insecure and have zero self-confidence. For most of my waking life, I feel depressed and anxious. I keep thinking that it would definitely better if I could stop existing. I am never satisfied with any of my efforts in my professional life. That is why I keep striving to work harder. But because I work too hard on my professional life, I have no social life. It is a great regret of mine because I am surrounded with wonderful people who I wish I could learn more about.

Having these lies replay over and over in your head like a broken record really drives you insane. Even in situations that I do not need to be judged about, my brain will. Like when I peel an orange, my brain could say something like, “well you could’ve peeled it better. You’re an idiot.” Or when I could not find my uber driver, “you’re such an idiot for not knowing where the driver is. Be more prepared next time!”

For a very very long time, I thought that everything that happened in my life had to be perfect, otherwise it is my fault for being such a stupid human being. But in truth, embarrassing and stupid situations happen to everyone all the time. There is no use to stress over it. Most of the time, these are the interesting situations that you can tell other people about in the future. Make a laugh out of it. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so into comedy lately. It is one of the things that have helped me live through my days.

The mental abuse that I got early in life can never be changed. It is what it is. And my family being my family, I do not expect the mental abuse to stop. I just have to think about the future. If they say untrue things about me, I should not believe them. If I ever had the chance to help people who are younger than me, I would try my hardest not to make them feel less than. Because no matter who you are and what your achievements are, you deserve all the love in the world. And that includes me. It’s weird to say that I DESERVE love despite of what I do. But it’s true.