My childhood could have been better.
I am not going to say that I had a bad childhood, because it was alright. I watched many cartoons, played games, and drew a lot. However, if someone could grant me a wish, I wish that the mental abuse from my adult family members when I was a child was kept to a minimum. Most of the things my family said about me were not true in the slightest. Most times, they probably said it because they were having a hard day. But I still believed them. And I still do.
“You’re just a result of sex.”
“You are a terrible older sister. You don’t care for your siblings.”
“You’re a bitch.”
“You’re so irresponsible.”
“You don’t work hard enough.”
“Your decisions are all bad. I told you to change them, but you didn’t. Now you’re stuck.”
“You’re not good enough because you can’t find a job.”
“Do not waste your time. You have no time.”
“You are selfish. You only think about yourself.”
These absolute statements (such as “you are,” “you don’t,” “you have”) really can destroy the mind of a child, especially since it is really hard to distinguish between true and false statements about yourself when you are younger. At that age range, you know about yourself based on what other people say about you.
Those negative comments have never left my head even after these years. I notice that most of the time, I am very insecure and have zero self-confidence. For most of my waking life, I feel depressed and anxious. I keep thinking that it would definitely better if I could stop existing. I am never satisfied with any of my efforts in my professional life. That is why I keep striving to work harder. But because I work too hard on my professional life, I have no social life. It is a great regret of mine because I am surrounded with wonderful people who I wish I could learn more about.
Having these lies replay over and over in your head like a broken record really drives you insane. Even in situations that I do not need to be judged about, my brain will. Like when I peel an orange, my brain could say something like, “well you could’ve peeled it better. You’re an idiot.” Or when I could not find my uber driver, “you’re such an idiot for not knowing where the driver is. Be more prepared next time!”
For a very very long time, I thought that everything that happened in my life had to be perfect, otherwise it is my fault for being such a stupid human being. But in truth, embarrassing and stupid situations happen to everyone all the time. There is no use to stress over it. Most of the time, these are the interesting situations that you can tell other people about in the future. Make a laugh out of it. Maybe that’s why I’ve been so into comedy lately. It is one of the things that have helped me live through my days.
The mental abuse that I got early in life can never be changed. It is what it is. And my family being my family, I do not expect the mental abuse to stop. I just have to think about the future. If they say untrue things about me, I should not believe them. If I ever had the chance to help people who are younger than me, I would try my hardest not to make them feel less than. Because no matter who you are and what your achievements are, you deserve all the love in the world. And that includes me. It’s weird to say that I DESERVE love despite of what I do. But it’s true.