I am at the point where I can’t sleep without some sort of sleeping aid. Even when I’m super sleepy. Sometimes, even with sleeping aid I still couldn’t sleep. I would take the risk of walking to CVS at 3am for sleeping aid.
March 25th is my roommate’s birthday. The day before, we planned her a surprise party. We went to safeway for a black forest cake and to party city for a birthday balloon. Then on March 25th at 12am, we woke her up and surprised her. I have to say it was fun since I am rarely ever involved in things like these.. We spent the night watching bollywood music videos and myself making random remarks about them since bollywood music always seem to consist of a half-naked lady, a crowd of 500 people, and an above-average looking, bearded man waiting to be entertained. It was fun overall.
On the evening of her birthday, she had her aunts and uncle come to celebrate her birthday. They brought a cheesecake as well as a green burrito (I have no clue why it was green but I didn’t like it). Although, at this time, I really was not feeling well. And my friend’s remarks about me being ‘quieter than usual’ didn’t really help. Why wasn’t I feeling well? I was depressed. Just, depressed.
There are certain events that might have triggered the depression. One, the fact that I am constantly worried about my life choices. The fact that I can probably only stay in my job until next January. The fact that I do not have progress with my art. The fact that everyone is doing so much better than me in doing what they love doing.. while I’m here stuck doing some shit I am not even sure I like. I’m not even sure if I make up the fact that I’m not sure I like programming.. because sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I think what’s causing this conflict within myself is that I actually love art more but I am completely afraid that I will be a failure. Plus I think that I am better in programming than I am in art. And that frightens me a little bit. Especially when I see other people who do art and are doing so well.. and I’m jealous. So jealous.
Two, my upstairs neighbor. For nearly 2 months, I’ve been having noises coming from my ceiling of people stomping in the early mornings. I assume it is children playing around and not a pet elephant. I’ve decided I’ve had enough and I gathered up the courage to go upstairs and tell them to keep quiet. I knocked on the door several times and a woman with 3 children under the ages of 10 answered the door. She denied that she could have been the one making the noise even when I told her I live right under her unit and I hear stomping from my ceiling. She kept denying any possibilities just like any other person who never wanted to take responsibility for their actions. She ended by saying she does not want to stop doing what she’s doing. So in the end I just told her to keep it down anyway and apologized for bothering her.
Three, seeing my roommate’s aunt and uncle remind me of my own. And nothing is more triggering.
Four, seeing my roommate’s three cousins (who are around the ages of 10) scare me. I hate children. I hate them so much.
The rest of the night I just kept quiet. I was overall depressed. I wasn’t sleepy. I wasn’t lazy. I wasn’t stressed. I was just.. completely depressed.
There were good things that happened today though. I drew Hinata. Although unfinished, and I don’t know how the fuck I’m gonna finish, but I started. And I think that is good progress. Also, I went to the lake. I didn’t stay for long since it was hot and I was sweating a lot. But it was great. I should really go for plen air. I’m gonna miss Greenbelt.
In the beginning, my experience here was horrible. I was in a very dirty apartment, inconsiderate roommates, as well as a room I could barely breathe in. On top of that, I am annoyed by the fact that the person whom I was closest to at the time was extremely superstitious, hypocritical, and lacked common sense. I know, I know, it is definitely not my place to say those things, but what I knew was that I could not bear being in that place.
A few weeks later though, I was moved to a much cleaner apartment. The new roommate I had was extremely chatty; but nonetheless, she was wonderful. I also met a very VERY good friend whom I share my love of K-pop with. I’ve only known her for a little over 2 months and I am so grateful to have known her in my life. She is 5 years older than me. What I like about her is that she is a fun-loving person. Rarely shows stress (even though she is most of the time). She seems comfortable in her own skin. And is not afraid to give advice. There are many things that I have learned from her. But the most prominent one is: it is okay to depend on one another.
All my life, it has been so hard for me to acknowledge that I need help. Mostly because growing up, I was always taught that needing help is a sign of weakness. It meant that you could not be independent. If anything, you were useless. But in reality, those who seek help are often the strongest. Sometimes it is as necessary to put faith in others as in yourself. It is OKAY to need other people in your life!
Not only that, I am grateful to know that getting out of here, I have a job that I can go to. I am extremely lucky to be reached out by a company in Lubbock. And I cannot wait to go back to Lubbock.
Despite the stresses I have now, including the stress that comes with a new job, I am very lucky. I am lucky to be a live and lucky to have a decent life.