random thoughts

Not my fault.

I’m not sure what to do now.

I feel so sick. Well, not physically. Just mentally I guess.

Yesterday night I felt a surge of motivation. I was talking to lenz about how our actions should not be defined by what other people expect of us. Even if they are our parents. For a long while I’ve been feeling sick and tired of how my parents raised me. They raised me to become someone with a lot of money who would be able to take care of the family. To send siblings off to college. To make a good life for the family. While all of that is great, why the fuck am I responsible for the family in which my parents have created? I NEVER asked for this. I never wanted this. I never asked to be alive, let alone have other people I am supposedly responsible for.

If you had children, wouldn’t you be the one responsible for them until they die? Okay, well ideally, both parties should contribute to the whole well being of the family. But I think ultimately the parents are the one who is responsible. My parents were from the generation of people who think that the more children they have, the more well of they will be. But the question is, if you’re not well off right now, what makes you think you can raise multiple children? I think it is pathetic to want to have your children do the things you wanted to do, but never had the guts to do yourself. It’s stupid to want your children to do great because you want a better life. In my opinion, once you have children, you should keep pushing your children’s passion regardless of what happens to you. This will only work if you keep in mind that BEFORE you have children, you are well off yourself, instead of hoping that one day your children would do something to make you well off.

What I’m trying to say is, despite having them as my parents, I do not really have an obligation to do anything they tell me. I am in a job where I don’t really enjoy. And the only reason why I keep doing what I’m doing is because I want to pay for my sister’s college. And that’s quite literally it. I am unhappy. I hate myself. I live life in anxiety and depression. Well to be fair, all of that doesn’t happen JUST BECAUSE of my job.. it happens because I am me. I’m just never satisfied because I’m always looking for the perfection that doesn’t exist.

You know what, I really don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. Maybe it’s just that I need human contact. I think I just miss everybody and I am so afraid of being alone that I think my life is shit while it actually isn’t. But I don’t know. During college I was always able to work 12 hours a day, but now… not anymore. I’ve spent many days just watching mindless movies. Movies that never really help with my depression / anxiety. Maybe I’ve just lost motivation for life. I’m not sure what the cause is but.. I’m just losing it.

Honestly, yesterday when I internalized that my family’s current condition is not my fault, and that I do not have full responsibility, if not ANY responsibility, towards what happens to my family financially, I felt some degree of relief. In fact, today, I drew two things that I posted on instagram. It’s a huge accomplishment.

But then now I’m back to being depressed. Sigh.


Vlogbrothers: Some Rough Advice for the “Real World”

So follow a path, any path, until you get to a place that you feel like you don’t like, and then change your direction. Because there is one thing that you are making everyday, no matter what you’re doing. And that is yourself. That is your job, and you must do it well. There is a lot of strength in knowing that the wandering that you’re doing is normal, and kind of beautiful, and not something you should stress about. You’re on a path, you don’t know where it’s going. And it would be kind of boring if you did.

Hank Green

random thoughts

Chat with lenz that made me feel better.

lol for reals
agak ngeselin sih
i mean kalo bisa tahan sih oke lah
but kalo gabisa ya
q bingung bgt kek
why punya anak if u cannot afford them
why punya anak if the reason u want one is so that they must take care of u in the future
so ur sayin
u cannot even afford a good life for urself
so u wanna get a child
mayb thats y q agak against having children jg sih
maybe that was the mindset of older generation
idk sih maybe its just me jg
keknya if orang lain
mreka bisa2 aja sih tahan kerja like me
but idk
q keknya gampang depressed/anxious aja kali ya
or mayb cuz i just hate not being le boss
idk man
q kek nya dimana2 aja q depr/anxious
but not all of them are worth it
q kek droe gt q depr/axious jg but it was worth it
but yang sekarang
its not worth it at all
bener2 i cant
i just need to tahan
orang q tiap hari pulang2 kerja tuh kek
watch movies
q kek gapernah kek gt
cuz i just feel so tired & empty
droe aja gabisa man
i must talk about this to my therapist
my therapist jg waktu itu ngomong
sbenernya paying for my sister’s college is not my responsibility
it is good that i am doing it
but its not my responsibility
which is true
it’s my parents’ responsibility LOL
but i guess dari kecil selalu dibilang ur responsible for everybody
even tho its not true
actually after thinking
i think the reason y i like droein on insta is bc
i am the boss
i am afraid that if i work for someone else, even in art, q keknya stres jg
i mean q programming juga ga 100% hate it sih
if im the boss im actually a bit excited
i think thats the mentality of most asian parents sih kek u must take care of ur parents
but tp hasilnya anaknya ga happe ga sih
like they work just to work
i think thats the reason y most innovations are from countries like murica
and jarang from like asian countries
and kalo orang bule
mreka banyak bullshit nya
tp they never do anything
kebalikan for asians
mreka gabanyak ngomong tp they do shit
q sih definitely orang yg jarang ngomong but i do shit
ideally sih pengennya orang yg pinter ngomong and pinter doing
but its rare
idk i guess thats y its hard for me to make my own business sih ya
q jarang ngomong jg soalnya
my coworker dia orang cina jg
and she is like me
kek jarang ngomong gt
another co worker dia orang india
dia kek ngomong terus
and q males aja kadang i help him do things because he doesnt know how to
i mean i dont mind helping sih
cuman dia ngomong terus so its annoying
misalnya nih ya q punya anak
q sih mikirnya i will need to be 100% responsible for him/her
instead of
oh they must pay for me later
ya ga sih
i mean if i were a parents i would want my child to do what makes em happy & a better person


yea me too


but still


kek kalo misalnya im a parent


trus kt idupnya susah


yaudah the stress is on me aja gt


not on my child




even on the eldest child


tp beda ya kalo misalnya anaknya kek bener2 gapeduli gt


kalo i can see that my child means well


y not


LOLOLO actually talking like this made me feel better


kek knowing its not my responsibility makes me feel better and can face life


kek im less stressed about work now




im so weird


but that just proves it sih


if i werent so pressured since young keknya i wil be able to love life more


and be brave enough to do sth im passionate abt


i mean kt beda generasi with our parents anyway sih


their understanding might be just completely diff


its a matter of mendingan follow their advice or follow our own LOL


tp like the best advice that ive heard about life


is sth like


the most important job of our lives is to be working on ourselves, and we have to do it well


LOL and i think its the most effective way of going about life


cuz ujung2nya harusnya we live to improve ourselves, whatever that means is ours to decide


depression · fear and anxiety

Scared of my therapist, calm because of my therapist, and sleeping troubles

Okay, I guess ‘scared of my therapist’ is not the best way to put it. I am not afraid of her. I am afraid of how she will respond. Because I am afraid of being judged, that’s all. I recently messaged her about me being a socially anxious person. e.g. I don’t get out of my room because there is someone else outside my door, etc. I’ve never really told this to anyone. She is literally the only person alive that knows this about me and I guess I am just so afraid of that. Afraid of what she will think. I got a response from her in the day but I was to afraid to look at it. So brought up the courage and then saw her message around 30 minutes ago. She wanted to schedule a session, which is great.

I think the best thing about having a therapist is that, for me, I am calmer in a way that I know that later in the day I will see my therapist, whom I can talk to if anything goes wrong. And I have faith that one day I will be better with this social anxiety thing. I mean, I think I’ve gotten a little bit better, right?

I mean, today when I talked to my boss, I wasn’t THAT nervous. I was ok with it. I hope that with time, I will be more okay with myself.

Lately I have had so much trouble sleeping. I have gotten off sleeping pills for nearly 1.5 months now. I only take them from time to time. I think maybe I’ve had them 5 times in the past 1.5 months.. which isn’t bad. But last night I slept at around 3:30am. Not because I wasn’t sleepy. I was fucking sleepy. But my mind kept racing and I was going nuts. And even then, I was waking up every hour until 7:30. My fucking iPad alarm didn’t make a sound so I woke up at 7:50. I luckily wasn’t late for work at all, thank goodness, eh?

But anyway, I don’t know how I’m going to solve this sleeping thing. But I’m still glad that I at least got a therapist because I really cannot take it anymore.