depression · fear and anxiety

Chore of drawing, monotony of adulthood, and getting a therapist

I am rarely awake after 2am. But here I am at 3:22AM Sunday. Let’s get writing.

I haven’t drawn in a while. I feel very guilty that I have not drawn. The current job I am in does not bring me satisfaction at all. I just feel so empty every time I have to go to work in the morning and I just feel sick to my stomach every single day. Because of the anxiety I have to power through every single day. On top of that the toilet is clogged, and I can’t stop thinking that it isn’t my fault. And it probably isn’t. Anyways, I am off topic. The point is, I feel anxious every single day of my waking life. Sometimes when I am not awake either. I dream about anxiety-inducing scenarios and sometimes wake up sweating. I sweat every time I talk to my bosses, even if when do not mean any harm. I am a fucking loser.

This anxiety is probably part of the reason why I rarely draw anymore. Because I’ve gotten so stressed and anxious to the point where I just could not enjoy myself any longer. I can’t focus. Every time that I am not working, I have to distract myself with mindless movies or iPad games, which aren’t even that good. But what am I supposed to do ? Every time I try to draw, my drawings are crap. None of them turn out well at all. And then I feel depressed that my drawings are crap and that I can’t seem to improve artistically. In fact, My skills are just getting worse and worse. I am just burning out. Am I burning out? Or am i just being a lazy piece of shit? Ugh! I gotta stop judging myself like that. Shut up!

Right now, I feel depression. There’s a hint of anxiety.. but mostly depression. Depressed that I cannot seem to get anywhere I want. Heck, I don’t even know what I want. I want to be an artist, but I can’t seem to enjoy drawing anymore. I want to get out of this job. But I need to stay a bit longer since I need to save up money. I’ve finished the 5th week of this job. Just 21 more. I’ve done 1 month of a 6 month job. And I just need to keep going. I just need to hang in there.

Being an artist requires sacrifice from my part. The times when I was so active on Instagram about a year ago, I’ve never felt so depressed in my life. But at the same time, I’ve never felt so fulfilled. Right now, I don’t think I am that depressed. But I definitely hate everything. With that, I’d choose the drawing life better. It is sad that money is a problem. If it weren’t, I’d be an artist a long time ago. At least when I am an artist or doing any kind of work for myself, I’d be doing it because I love it and because it’s for my own purposes and self improvement. But now… I’m working hard at my job just for the paycheck and to make sure I don’t get fired. I wish this wasn’t the case for me. But it is. I envy those who are used to being an employee and always having somebody else calling the shots. I like to call my own shots, and that’s probably why I am always to afraid of showing vulnerability at work.. afraid to ask questions in fear of looking like an idiot. But I shouldn’t feel that way should I?

I am in therapy now. I met a wonderful therapist who is very strong and she is amazing. She tells me to stop having these demonic inner voices who keeps saying that I am a loser, while in fact I am just distorting my own reality. I am afraid of talking to the therapist of course, just like how I am afraid of talking to other whom I need help from. But hopefully now I can start being more used to it and be more comfortable at it.

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