depression · fear and anxiety

Scared of my therapist, calm because of my therapist, and sleeping troubles

Okay, I guess ‘scared of my therapist’ is not the best way to put it. I am not afraid of her. I am afraid of how she will respond. Because I am afraid of being judged, that’s all. I recently messaged her about me being a socially anxious person. e.g. I don’t get out of my room because there is someone else outside my door, etc. I’ve never really told this to anyone. She is literally the only person alive that knows this about me and I guess I am just so afraid of that. Afraid of what she will think. I got a response from her in the day but I was to afraid to look at it. So brought up the courage and then saw her message around 30 minutes ago. She wanted to schedule a session, which is great.

I think the best thing about having a therapist is that, for me, I am calmer in a way that I know that later in the day I will see my therapist, whom I can talk to if anything goes wrong. And I have faith that one day I will be better with this social anxiety thing. I mean, I think I’ve gotten a little bit better, right?

I mean, today when I talked to my boss, I wasn’t THAT nervous. I was ok with it. I hope that with time, I will be more okay with myself.

Lately I have had so much trouble sleeping. I have gotten off sleeping pills for nearly 1.5 months now. I only take them from time to time. I think maybe I’ve had them 5 times in the past 1.5 months.. which isn’t bad. But last night I slept at around 3:30am. Not because I wasn’t sleepy. I was fucking sleepy. But my mind kept racing and I was going nuts. And even then, I was waking up every hour until 7:30. My fucking iPad alarm didn’t make a sound so I woke up at 7:50. I luckily wasn’t late for work at all, thank goodness, eh?

But anyway, I don’t know how I’m going to solve this sleeping thing. But I’m still glad that I at least got a therapist because I really cannot take it anymore.

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