random thoughts

Chat with lenz that made me feel better.

lol for reals
agak ngeselin sih
i mean kalo bisa tahan sih oke lah
but kalo gabisa ya
q bingung bgt kek
why punya anak if u cannot afford them
why punya anak if the reason u want one is so that they must take care of u in the future
so ur sayin
u cannot even afford a good life for urself
so u wanna get a child
mayb thats y q agak against having children jg sih
maybe that was the mindset of older generation
idk sih maybe its just me jg
keknya if orang lain
mreka bisa2 aja sih tahan kerja like me
but idk
q keknya gampang depressed/anxious aja kali ya
or mayb cuz i just hate not being le boss
idk man
q kek nya dimana2 aja q depr/anxious
but not all of them are worth it
q kek droe gt q depr/axious jg but it was worth it
but yang sekarang
its not worth it at all
bener2 i cant
i just need to tahan
orang q tiap hari pulang2 kerja tuh kek
watch movies
q kek gapernah kek gt
cuz i just feel so tired & empty
droe aja gabisa man
i must talk about this to my therapist
my therapist jg waktu itu ngomong
sbenernya paying for my sister’s college is not my responsibility
it is good that i am doing it
but its not my responsibility
which is true
it’s my parents’ responsibility LOL
but i guess dari kecil selalu dibilang ur responsible for everybody
even tho its not true
actually after thinking
i think the reason y i like droein on insta is bc
i am the boss
i am afraid that if i work for someone else, even in art, q keknya stres jg
i mean q programming juga ga 100% hate it sih
if im the boss im actually a bit excited
i think thats the mentality of most asian parents sih kek u must take care of ur parents
but tp hasilnya anaknya ga happe ga sih
like they work just to work
i think thats the reason y most innovations are from countries like murica
and jarang from like asian countries
and kalo orang bule
mreka banyak bullshit nya
tp they never do anything
kebalikan for asians
mreka gabanyak ngomong tp they do shit
q sih definitely orang yg jarang ngomong but i do shit
ideally sih pengennya orang yg pinter ngomong and pinter doing
but its rare
idk i guess thats y its hard for me to make my own business sih ya
q jarang ngomong jg soalnya
my coworker dia orang cina jg
and she is like me
kek jarang ngomong gt
another co worker dia orang india
dia kek ngomong terus
and q males aja kadang i help him do things because he doesnt know how to
i mean i dont mind helping sih
cuman dia ngomong terus so its annoying
misalnya nih ya q punya anak
q sih mikirnya i will need to be 100% responsible for him/her
instead of
oh they must pay for me later
ya ga sih
i mean if i were a parents i would want my child to do what makes em happy & a better person


yea me too


but still


kek kalo misalnya im a parent


trus kt idupnya susah


yaudah the stress is on me aja gt


not on my child




even on the eldest child


tp beda ya kalo misalnya anaknya kek bener2 gapeduli gt


kalo i can see that my child means well


y not


LOLOLO actually talking like this made me feel better


kek knowing its not my responsibility makes me feel better and can face life


kek im less stressed about work now




im so weird


but that just proves it sih


if i werent so pressured since young keknya i wil be able to love life more


and be brave enough to do sth im passionate abt


i mean kt beda generasi with our parents anyway sih


their understanding might be just completely diff


its a matter of mendingan follow their advice or follow our own LOL


tp like the best advice that ive heard about life


is sth like


the most important job of our lives is to be working on ourselves, and we have to do it well


LOL and i think its the most effective way of going about life


cuz ujung2nya harusnya we live to improve ourselves, whatever that means is ours to decide



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