I’ve always had a problem understanding things people say. I dunno. Maybe because I am ADD where its just so hard to pay attention to people and understand what they’re saying.. or just I hate everything so that I don’t listen to them.
Basically today, the tester and I are supposed to test something, something pretty simple actually. But he never really did get what I mean. Maybe it’s because I do not explain things very well? Or I was answering things that wasn’t his question? I don’t know.
But basically it made me pissed and I am fucking annoyed.
Because our desks are right across from each other he can pull shit like this where he fucking digs into you and he doesn’t understand what is supposed to be done and then you get pissed and then he gets pissed and everyone gets pissed and your life sucks.
Lately I haven’t been feeling depression as much as I used to on the daily. I’ve been getting into this quest of finding a good pen display or pen computer, and it’s been taking a lot of my time and interest. And I’ve been very excited about it that I don’t really feel that depressed these days. Which is good.
I started researching these pen tablets/computers and decided I want a pen computer. Mostly because I wanted to be able to bring it anywhere without bringing my laptop in addition to a pen tablet..
I went to best buy yesterday, which is a total of 1.5 hour of walking and a burger from Five Freddy’s Burger. I went today as well to a different best buy, which totaled to 1.5 hour of walking + 15 minute Uber drive, and a Tacobell. The reason I went to those best buys is to check out if they have a wacom I can try out… But I only found the Surface Pros (which I don’t like) and the iPad pro (which is great but I don’t like that fact that it’s an iPad).
So, as you can see I’ve gotten a lot of exercise and a lot of junk food. But at least I got one thing out of the way.. I don’t want a Surface pro.. much less an iPad pro.
So one thing’s for sure is that I want an actual Pen computer.. but the one i want, which is the Wacom MobileStudio, is so expensive.. It’s like $2.5k for i5 256GB and I can’t do an installment plan.. cuz there’s problems with it But maybe i’ll try to find out how I can do an installment plan. Now I’m considering instead a pen display… but it then beats the purpose of why I want this in the first place.. which is so that I can bring it anywhere and draw things in places. If I bought a pen tablet, I’d have to bring my laptop all the time along with it. Which is something that I do not look forward to.
Since it seems that I’ll be getting a long holiday next week due to 4th of July, I’m going to try to purchase one next week and play around with it. I’m so excited >_< I need to calm down before making this $2.5k decision though because I don’t want to be hasty about this.
At least there’s one good thing that comes out of working for this 9-5 job that I don’t really want.. which is I can use the money for something I want.
I think that no matter where I go, it is quite evident that I always stressed out.
I have this task that I need to get done at work but unfortunately people are going crazy over it, adding new requirements on the go and shit. So I can’t finish it by the deadline that was set. And I am always so crazy about being on time, and I beat myself up if I don’t finish something in time.
To be honest, this task got over the deadline because of something that is out of my control. So I shouldn’t even blame myself for it. My co-worker told me to get a chill pill. And he told me this is something that you get used to after years and years of working like this. So he’s pretty casual about it. Lol, on the other hand I was kinda freaking out.
But well fortunately, I talked to my boss and in the end we came up with a solution that we could get done. And I feel much calmer after that because it’s finally to the point where I understand what I need to do.
Ok. Well that’s all.
Going to have to fight another war tomorrow.
Today is Monday and of course, it is a work day so I have to go to work. While I was sleeping, I kept dreaming anout weird scenarios and things that needs to be thought about and I did not have a peaceful sleep because of thay. My head hurts because of the too many thoughts.
Fast forward to now. I am currently at work in the wellness room. My head is still hurting and I just took some aspirin. It’s still hurting like hell.. also I’m feeling sleepy now because of the aspirin.. actually, not sure if it is because of the aspirin or it’s just because I am sleepy.
Most of my thoughts right now comprises of time anxiety.
I reserved this wellness room from 12:30pm-1pm but all the while that I am here, my thoughts is just like: 1pm… 1pm…. 1pm… i gotta make sure ai leave by 1pm…
Same goes for other things like meetings. I have a meeting today at 3:30pm but all the seconds prior to that, I am just thinking 3:30pm… 3:30pm… gotta be there by 3:30pm…
Not only that, i keep worrying how I would come off on those meetings.. Will I be prepared enough? I gotta make sure I”‘m prepared enough. Will i be good enough..?
For the past week I’ve been looking for animes whose plot revolves around suicide. Out of my search, I love 2 animes about this: Koe No Katachi and Colorful. Koe No Katachi is about a boy who regretted bullying a deaf girl and the movie started out with him attempting to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Colorful is basically how a boy who attempted suicide realizes his life is worth living. I’m not good at explaining but it’s really good honestly. One line kept making me weep from that movie: “You are necessary to this world.”
Then I rewatched Inside Out. I cried for the last 30 minutes of that movie.
Crying for 1-2 hours today has made me realize that I need to come to terms with my sadness. Instead of trying to repress it with ‘being positive.’ In fact, that’s what I used to try to do when I began this blog.. If you read my posts from 2015, you can see how I was just an annoying positive, always-smiling asshole. With that, I want to list the things that is causing me sadness the most. Listed in order of importance.
- Homesickness. Today afternoon I got off talking with my sister and we were singing kpop songs for 3 hours over facebook video messenger and I am sad because on the weekdays that cannot happen because of the 11 hour difference. I miss home so much. And I don’t know the next chance of when I can visit home.
- I hate my job, so very much. I am dreading every single second I have to spend working for my company. 8 fucking ours of sitting on my butt in an office, doing a work I hate, working for people I don’t care about (even though they are nice), and having to work together with a co-worker that I absolutely cannot bear. The job itself is causing me anxiety and I am just killing myself every single day that I am there.
- I am stuck career-wise. I actually am not sure what career I want. Right now it’s art. Or mostly things in entertainment. Like to create things that people can enjoy. But due to points 1,2,3, I am not able to draw as much as I used to. Due to the anxiety, I cannot even enjoy art as much as I used to. So.. I hate computer science. I don’t enjoy drawing anymore.. what do I do? How can I start enjoying what I love again? 😦
- My brother. My brother has mild autism. He is 21 this year, but he does not function as well as a regular 21-year-old does. I don’t know what I can do about him. For so long, I’ve worried about him but I don’t know what steps I can take to help. I feel so helpless.
- If I come back to my family (to cure homesickness), I will hate it. As homesick as I am right now, one of the reasons that is holding me back from going home is that my extended family are all assholes and I do not look forward to seeing them ever.
- Emotional eating. Self-explanatory.
The things in this list are kind of like a domino effect. Like 1 probably causes 2, which causes 3. And because of the anxiety caused by 1,2, and 3, I am worrying about 4 and 5.
I’m not sure what to do anymore.