depression · fear and anxiety

Trouble eating

I think I’ve gone to a point where I am so anxious that I cannot eat or drink.

This morning I woke up with a growling stomach and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Note, I’ve been sleeping literally all the time now because I am so depressed and I cannot do anything literally. Even drawing doesn’t give me as much joy. I even got the wacom mobile studio and I still feel like shit.

So when I woke up, i decided to try to eat something. But I didn’t even finish it. Then at work I tried to drink something but I end up always spitting them out.. Like if I try to swallow the drink I feel like I’m drowning or something. And all in all I’m just very anxious to the point where I starve myself.

But today my coworkers and I went for kebab, which is really good. I was worried that I wouldn’t me able to eat but I ate anyway because starving myself for days brought up an appetite.

Although, tomorrow is Friday and I think it should be a relaxing one. I hope so. I’m going to come to the office a bit later because there’s nothing really heavy that I need to do. So, yeah.

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job

Week 11 Wednesday (Part 2) – Degraded

Today basically one of my bosses and the tester ganged up on me.

Well maybe ‘gang up’ is not the right word. It’s just they were mini-lecturing me about something that wasn’t even my idea. So basically we have these set of requirements of a certain file we would like to use. But le boss said we cannot trust it. So I was like.. um okay then what’s the point of the requirements document if we cannot trust it..? So she told me to think of validations. I was like, fine. But then I conversed with the tester and I told him I need to think of failing scenarios and he was like, no we must trust the requirements. Im like yes I agree, but the FUCKING boss said not to.

So today in the meeting the tester was like YEAH SO TRUST IT. And le boss was like YEAH TRUST IT. And i was like the fuck? Why is it suddenly backing me into a corner?

Also le boss didn’t seem to like the question I asked about the program that generates the file. I was just asking if it’s something that is currently being developed or has it  been developed and she was like NO WE DONT HAVE TO CAR EABOUT IT BECAUSE THE REQUIREMENTS ARE HERE but like I was just asking tho. I know the requirements is sufficient but why does it hurt that I am asking it…………? So after that she got the wrong impression that I do not think we can move forward without the actual file. And she gave me a mini-lecture on it saying that we don’t need the actual file. And im like what the fuk just happened.

So yeah. I don’t know how I got to the point where I feel like I hate working here. At first, I just hate the thing that I am doing, which is software. But now it’s literally the people here are starting to smell like shit.

Also did I mention that my boss gave me the wrong information on something and it’s like SO wrong that it’s confusing and im like why does it have to be like that but she’s like so adamant about it and turns out she’s fucking wrong about everything. !!!! SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!#JOCQOIJADIOJADSJIODASJOIDASJOIDA SJOIADJIO

Yet, I need to survive another 8 hours tomorrow.

I can’t even get excited over the mobile studio pro I just got. I walked from 6:30-9:30p to get this by forcing myself to excercise. sigh. I am in a new level of depression aren’t i. thigs just get worse and worse

job

Week 11 Wednesday – Losing confidence

Yesterday was shitty.

I didn’t write yesterday because by the end of the work day I was so fucking depressed that I slept from around 9pm. Woke up at 2am, then at 6am, then finally at 7am. What happened, you might ask? Well nothing, that bad actually. But it’s VERY bad because I think it’s very bad.

Apparently I was assigned a task I was unaware of. Unaware because they were very vague about it. My fault, I should’ve asked right? But then when I asked, the instructions are unclear and it changes from day to day and I am just fucking confused ??? Nothing was explained to me from day one. And the person who was supposed to get in touch with because he ‘needed my help’ did not get in touch with me so I was like okay maybe they want to work on something else right now?? I don’t know, maybe I am bad at understanding.

In the end, I feel like I’ve disappointed another person as well as myself. So I was depressed.

Actually I probably blew this out of proportion for myself because it’s not really a mistake.. just a misunderstanding.

In any case, I HAVE to stop thinking about it as something that other people would really hate me for. Because the more I think that way, the more it will magically come true. People make all these mistakes all the time and they’re still ok. I mean, really, whats the worst thing that could happen? I embarrass myself? I could still go home and sleep, and tomorrow is another day. And I still get paid don’t I? I get fired? Actually, I’d be very glad to be fired… It will give me more time to do what I like.

Plus.. today I will be talking to a person who actually knows these things technically.. so I’d fare better with them. I don’t know, I feel like I’ve lost my confidence and self-esteem.

suicide

Overdosing and emo younger me

Lately I’ve been playing around with anxiety pills, which I really shouldn’t have. I mean, don’t worry though. It’s not like I swallow like the whole bottle. I only do like 3 pills. And really, the affects are no different to me than taking just 1 pill. The only difference is that when I take 3 pills, I get a headache the next day, which is why I only play around with pills on Saturday night. So on Sunday, I can have a headache without worrying about anything else.

Although sometimes I think about overdosing for real, and how it would feel like. Will it be painless?

I’ve written in previous posts before that when I was younger, I was a depressed kid too. But I was never to the intensity of where I am now. I was mostly melancholic I guess. Well, I scrolled through my facebook timeline and I mostly found myself writing about how I hate life. About 3 posts were about wanting suicide. Note that those posts revolve around wanting to to die but don’t. Screen Shot 2017-06-25 at 10.51.59 PM

I don’t know what causes the “I want to live” part. I suspect it’s just some sort of emo moment. Such as this post:Screen Shot 2017-06-25 at 10.47.22 PM

The difference between younger me’s suicidal thoughts and current me’s suicidal thoughts is that, I am not just having an emo moment. I really don’t care about “being cried for.” The reason for me staying alive right now is not because I want to be appreciated more. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I have other people to meet the needs of. Admittedly, it’s not a very good reason to want to stay alive. You should always stay alive for your own sake. It’s a reason.. albeit a bad one, and one I don’t want to live with for long.

I am trying to get some sleep since I have work tomorrow. Usually one anxiety pill knocks me out. But the first one didn’t work so I popped another one. My stomach is upset right now because the whole day I was just eating noodles, ice cream, and sunchips.

Good night.

depression

Jealous

I think I know why I am depressed today. I am jealous of other’s people’s lives.

In the morning I was watching Illya Kuvhinov, who showcased this really cool fan video he made. Then I was looking at Ross Tran, artgerm, sakimichan, and many other instagram artists.. I am so jealous that they can live their lives doing what they love. I on the other hand, am trying so hard to get out of the life I don’t want. Even so, even if I get out of this life, there is not guarantee that I’ll feel better than this.

Maybe I’m just always sad, and always looking for more that no matter what the circumstances, I will always be depressed. And looking for something else.

And the thought that I will never be satisfied with myself terrifies me.