Here I am Friday night lying in bed writing this. Upstairs, one of the landlord’s son is having a birthday. My friends are busy with their own work. People are having fun. And here I am crying.
I feel so alone.
Nobody is replying to my texts. I cannot talk to anyone. I just talked to my therapist but I feel like I am hiding a lot from her. I don’t know, I am so afraid of being judged. For example, I have never told her that, at times, I can get severely depressed and have suicidal thoughts. Even now I feel like overdosing myself. I never told her that I like to take sleeping pills. And now, I am taking Xanax, which is making me sleep 12 hours a day. Plus, talking verbally to people, even those whom I am comfortable with talking, wears me out and I am dying.
It’s not that I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s just that it’s so hard for me to open up. So I cannot talk to anyone. Not even those I consider my best friends.
I don’t know why.
Also since I’ve been sleeping nearly 12 hours a day, I’ve been eating less. But then on the weekends I binge on pizza. But it’s becoming less enjoyable.