In retrospect, I was kind of a dick.

I’ll be quick because I have an anime I’d like to watch. But I am writing this because, around the month of March, I got a job offer in Lubbock. I was so excited for it. I told the company people I’d come there excited, I was informing them of all these technologies and we were so excited to be working with each other. Despite this, I was troubled by the low pay (it was $30k, which is very low for a CS entry level) and the fact that I would not be able to work for them for more than a year because of OPT, and they weren’t e-verified, which means they cannot renew my OPT.

I told them that at the time of their job offer, I was at an internship, and I could only join them in one more month. I was actually buying time, if I could get a better job opportunity. In other words, their job offer was kind of just like my safety net. In case I don’t get another one in a month. I was a dick.

Then around two weeks after, I got a job offer elsewhere. And it is this job I am currently having in Rockville, MD. The pay was twice as much. So obviously, the choice is a no brainer. I was figuring out ways to break it to them without being too harsh. I was going to tell them the whole truth of why I couldn’t be there.

I remember it was a Thursday afternoon, at around 6pm. I was supposed to come work for them 8 days later. We had the phone call. I talked some bullshit about AngularJS and Bootstrap to one of their colleagues and then I talked to Ryan (at least I think that’s what his name was), who was the person I was in contact with during the one month gap between accepting the job offer and the date of which I should come work for them. Note that during this period I was learning C#, Entity Framework ORM, AngularJS and frankly some other (sort of) fun bullshit. I told Ryan that I could not work for them anymore because of the e-verification issue. Then I asked him to hand over the phone to Rebecca (ok I’m making up names here because I really cannot remember their names anymore, gosh I’m a dick aren’t I), who was quite literally the assistant CEO. Before I came to work there she was extremely nice. She introduced me to her colleagues and helped me find an apartment. But then I told her about the e-verification and salary issue and in the end she asked me, “if they WEREN’T an issue, do you STILL want to work with us?” It was hard, but I said no. And then she hung up.

I guess the reason why I was feeling like a dick is because I was using them as a mere safety net if I don’t end up getting a job. But at the same time, I was genuinely excited to work for them. I really was. But then in the end, she was pissed at me, everyone’s pissed at me. And I’m pissed at myself. But what am I supposed to do? Plus if I came back to Lubbock, I’d be extremely depressed. In April, I came back to Lubbock for like 3 days and I was already depressed. I can’t imagine what would happen if all of my friends aren’t in Lubbock anymore and I’d be just so depressed and lonely.

So yes I feel like a dick. But at the same time, if they really cared about me, they wouldn’t act like that. I mean she just hung up. So I guess we’re both dicks. I’ve said the word dick too much already. But the point is.. I knew how much of an asshole I’d be so that is why I broke it up with them on the phone, talking to them directly, instead of just e-mailing them. Telling them the whole truth (well ALMOST, I never told them about the part where I got another job so), and what is. I did my best to be less of a complete jerk. And I guess that is the best I can do. If they don’t like that.. then that’s their problem.

And all in all, I have to learn to forgive myself for being an asshole. It’s hard. Because from time to time, I think about them. Wishing that I’ve handled it better. But I handled it as best as I could with the knowledge I had at the time.. Two months later to today, I wished that I could have just be straight with them by saying I am declining their job offer, even though I’ve accepted it. Turns out it’s a completely normal thing to do that. I guess I was caught up with emotions at the time. Because they were so nice to me. That’s all. Now back to watching Koe no Katachi. The anime started off with a guy wanting to jump off a bridge, PERFECT!


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