It’s 12:17AM, I’ve got to wake up at 7:40AM because of work. But hey let’s talk about suicide.
I’ve had recurring suicidal thoughts since August 2014. Well actually, I’ve had suicidal thoughts for as long as I could remember. But it had never been so vivid until August 2014. Every single day, it becomes more and more vivid.
I have this weird thing where I buy medication. Not for suicide. But to possibly cure myself. I have so far bought two anti-anxiety medicine. One is L-theanine and one is Alparazium (which is what people take to get off of Xanax). L-theanine basically has no effect on me. Alparazium is simply too expensive for me to overdose on (they’re like fuckin $40 for 30 pills). If I wanted to overdose, I should take like the whole bottle. But if I don’t die, it’s going to be expensive. And I don’t want that. Other than anti-anxiety pills, I’ve frequently bought melatonin and CVS sleeping aid since around December 2016. I had trouble sleeping. Even now. I went to a period when I couldn’t sleep at all without my sleeping pills. I’ve tried overdosing on melatonin twice. I took 10 pills each on those nights. First was because I was beating myself up for losing my wallet. Second was why not. But they had no effect on me. In the mornings after, I contacted 741-741. Just wanting to admit to somebody that I attempted to overdose (even though I know it won’t work).
Of course, my family, friends, and other people who depend on me are the reasons why I can’t kill myself. But, the biggest reason is that I am afraid of failing to kill myself. Or that I am afraid that if I killed myself, no one will find out until a year later. Let’s say I shoved 3 bottles of pills. But instead of killing me, I just went into a coma. Then who’s gonna pay for it. Or like I go into a coma, like just in my room, but since I live in a rented room, nobody is going to check on me. And then I just stay there dead. And just give a really bad vibe to this whole house. I’m probably not making sense.
But my desire to kill myself is real. I think about it a lot. Never made any concrete plans. Never gone that far. So far I’ve been going off of plans that I know would not work.
I’ve stopped eating during the day on weekdays. Not because I don’t have time (like in college). But because I don’t want to. Just that. I’m just too depressed.
I just really want to die someday soon, you know.
I don’t get it though. I have friends who love me. Family members who give some shit about me. But I still want to die.
For the record, I’m making a new category called suicide. I’m tracking where I am with suicidal thoughts.