random thoughts · suicide

Competitive suicide

Basically earlier today I came across a Facebook picture (fuck, I should stop Facebooking) of a grade 11 class picture. I saw my classmates and realized I was literally not friends with any of them, which is kinda sad. I was basically in the very edge, just kinda TRYING to be part of the picture, but I just really wanna get out of there.

But then I took a few minutes to try to find out what those motherfuckers are doing right now until I got uninterested. I only found like 2 or 3 of them, and even so they’re not that active on Facebook. Maybe they’re more active on instagram or shit like that but I’m not wanting to take the effort tbh.

Honestly, I don’t know why I decided to try to find out what my high school people are doing now. Am I hoping they’re doing worse than I am? Why would I do that actually .. My life isn’t that great, it’s actually pretty depressing. I guess I just want to know if anyone else’s lives are as depressing as mine. Then what if any of them are like millionaires by now? Will I feel like shit? Most likely.

Then this thought came.. if I found any of them had committed suicide, I’d probably first be mad, instead of sad. Because I mean, one of the main reasons why I haven’t committed suicide is because I really don’t have the guts. So if somebody did it before me, I’d be jealous. That’s an odd thought isn’t it. But in all seriousness, I hope nobody I know killed themselves. It’d be pretty sad.

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