depression · fear and anxiety

Reasons why I am sad

For the past week I’ve been looking for animes whose plot revolves around suicide. Out of my search, I love 2 animes about this: Koe No Katachi and Colorful. Koe No Katachi is about a boy who regretted bullying a deaf girl and the movie started out with him attempting to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Colorful is basically how a boy who attempted suicide realizes his life is worth living. I’m not good at explaining but it’s really good honestly. One line kept making me weep from that movie: “You are necessary to this world.”

Then I rewatched Inside Out. I cried for the last 30 minutes of that movie.

Crying for 1-2 hours today has made me realize that I need to come to terms with my sadness. Instead of trying to repress it with ‘being positive.’ In fact, that’s what I used to try to do when I began this blog.. If you read my posts from 2015, you can see how I was just an annoying positive, always-smiling asshole. With that, I want to list the things that is causing me sadness the most. Listed in order of importance.

  1. Homesickness. Today afternoon I got off talking with my sister and we were singing kpop songs for 3 hours over facebook video messenger and I am sad because on the weekdays that cannot happen because of the 11 hour difference. I miss home so much. And I don’t know the next chance of when I can visit home.
  2. I hate my job, so very much. I am dreading every single second I have to spend working for my company. 8 fucking ours of sitting on my butt in an office, doing a work I hate, working for people I don’t care about (even though they are nice), and having to work together with a co-worker that I absolutely cannot bear. The job itself is causing me anxiety and I am just killing myself every single day that I am there.
  3. I am stuck career-wise. I actually am not sure what career I want. Right now it’s art. Or mostly things in entertainment. Like to create things that people can enjoy. But due to points 1,2,3, I am not able to draw as much as I used to. Due to the anxiety, I cannot even enjoy art as much as I used to. So.. I hate computer science. I don’t enjoy drawing anymore.. what do I do? How can I start enjoying what I love again? 😦
  4. My brother. My brother has mild autism. He is 21 this year, but he does not function as well as a regular 21-year-old does. I don’t know what I can do about him. For so long, I’ve worried about him but I don’t know what steps I can take to help. I feel so helpless.
  5. If I come back to my family (to cure homesickness), I will hate it. As homesick as I am right now, one of the reasons that is holding me back from going home is that my extended family are all assholes and I do not look forward to seeing them ever.
  6. Emotional eating. Self-explanatory.

The things in this list are kind of like a domino effect. Like 1 probably causes 2, which causes 3. And because of the anxiety caused by 1,2, and 3, I am worrying about 4 and 5.

I’m not sure what to do anymore.

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