random thoughts

I wish my family

I am always so sad by the fact that my family has never been a family.

Let’s start with my immediate family. Both of my parents had married twice. My dad’s first wife killed herself, who knows why. They say that she was ‘insane’ but whatever drove her to insanity, I might never know. With her, my dad had 2 daughters. Both of whom I think are married and have children. I’m not completely sure because my dad hates them both. In fact, one of them got into a car accident and had amnesia but my dad gave no fucks. I am not sure why my dad hates them so much. I know that one of them got divorced and remarried. But I mean, that doesn’t sound too bad does it? I dunno. My mother’s first husband didn’t do anything wrong I guess. But in the end, after dating for 2 years over the phone, my parents got married and had 2 daughters and 1 son. I am the eldest daughter. Well, back up. Actually, if you count a dead child, it would have been 2 daughters and 2 sons. He was born before me but died after birth. Some days I would wonder what it would be like to not be the eldest. But most days I am glad that not another human being was born into this shithole family.

My dad was jailed overnight once because he stole something, at least that is what I was told. I still remember the night when I waited for him to come home. I was watching Dexter’s Laboratory on the TV and I fell asleep with the lights on because I was waiting for him. I actually was pretty close to my dad growing up. I don’t think that my parents had ever slept together. So I would sleep with my dad when I was little.

The parent’s relationship has never been great ever since marriage. Over the years, they have cheated on each other. How they are still together and decided to have 3 children together is a mystery to me.

My brother has autism. He is only a year younger than me but he doesn’t function his age. It is not his fault. It is nobody’s fault. But it is a sad reality that my family thinks that it is his fault. It isn’t. So growing up, he’s never been the most confident. He’s never been the most cunning. He didn’t develop interests because everything was forced on him. He never got the chance to do anything he wanted. I am also at fault I feel like. I was never able to gain his trust.

Now let’s move on to the larger family.

My dad has brothers and sisters. His sisters, I call my aunts. One of those aunts is a CEO of a real estate company. She is quite literally the devil. I am convinced that I grew up so timid and unconfident because of how I was raised by her influence. She yells at you for the slightest bit of mistake. She will say vulgar things about you. She will spread bad things about you because she likes it. She gets away with all of this because she is rich, and people depend on her. For money, I am guessing. My parents are one of those people who depend on her. So whenever my aunt gets fucking crazy, my parents essentially had to beg for mercy like a dog. My parents, and apparently many other people, are too lazy to make an effort of their own to do anything for themselves. So they cannot stand up for themselves because their well-being relies on her. Fuck, man. If somebody is toxic to you, wouldn’t the best option to just get as far away as possible from them? You know, instead of getting CLOSER and CLOSER to them? Fuck, these idiots! Even my fucking mother tries so hard to suck up to her. For example, during christmas, she forced me and my sister to draw something for her. Or the time when she offered to carry her son’s bags. Or thanking my aunt excessively.

Over the years, my aunt has caused my a lot of mental trauma. A lot of anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. But after I left for college to a different country, I am able to rethink about her influence. I used to feel so watched by her. Every step I make, it needs to be perfect for her. But now, I need to do something well for me. Just WELL and just for ME. I have gotten significantly better at it. Sometimes she attempts to FaceTime me and message me or whatever, and I do feel a hint of guilt and fear if I ignore her like that. But, I’m getting over it little by little. I don’t need to give a shit about the demon in my life, do I?

The rest of my dad’s siblings, they can sometimes be dicks. Like it’s so funny how they hate it when I do something well. Fuck you guys. They’ll spread rumors about me. And sometimes just like, incredibly unnecessary ones. When I was in middle school, they’d spread rumors about me talking to older men on the internet. First of all, like what the fuck? Do I fucking LOOK like a person who would do that? Also all of that came about because I started to be involved a lot with computers. I frankly don’t remember what else they said about me and the internet. But all I remember was during those times, I was drawing a lot and watching a lot of anime. Lol. With all these ridiculous rumors, being the shy person that I am, my only solution is to just shut the fuck up. My strategy is to just always stay silent and let them have all the fun. I am not completely sure what the consequences of that is. Actually, I don’t care if they think that I am an internet slut or not. I am having fun and it’s great. In any case, being ‘addicted’ to the internets is what brought me to who I am today. A coder (despite not being keen on it too much) and an artist. Plus it is true when they say that when people are jealous of you, they’d talk shit about you. Although I am unsure what they would be jealous of me for. But I’m pretty sure they just hate it when I am breathing.

My family environment is hell. They are all rich. And I am not. There is definitely nothing wrong with being rich, of course. But I don’t ever want to be like them, personality-wise. I like doing shit. Like, not games. But hobbies. Like piano, drawing, or literally anything that doesn’t have to do with talking about expensive clothing brands or pretty girls and guys. Or celeb gossip. Or how to not be ugly. Well, it would be fun if people could start DOING and stop TALKING. I am bad at talking. I am better at doing.

I wished my big family wasn’t rich. I wished they would have been average people, with wants that do not include more money, or more designer clothing.I wished that my family was the kind who excitedly saves up for a new computer, instead of having 5 iPads in a household.There is an emptiness when you could already get everything that you wanted. I wished that my family would start appreciating people, instead of brining them down. Everybody in my family has huge insecurities that the way they cope with it is to put other people on the back burner.

I wished that my family is not this messed up to the point where the only thing my parents could talk to me about is how bad the family is. I know, you motherfuckers. Fucking shut up.

I wished that I have somebody in my family who I could look up to. It is sad when the people who are supposed to protect you, are the ones who danger you. I am sad that instead of wanting to be like my family, I hope to never be like my family. It is sad that the best path is to stay away from the path of the family. Now and forever.

 

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