Lately I’ve been playing around with anxiety pills, which I really shouldn’t have. I mean, don’t worry though. It’s not like I swallow like the whole bottle. I only do like 3 pills. And really, the affects are no different to me than taking just 1 pill. The only difference is that when I take 3 pills, I get a headache the next day, which is why I only play around with pills on Saturday night. So on Sunday, I can have a headache without worrying about anything else.
Although sometimes I think about overdosing for real, and how it would feel like. Will it be painless?
I’ve written in previous posts before that when I was younger, I was a depressed kid too. But I was never to the intensity of where I am now. I was mostly melancholic I guess. Well, I scrolled through my facebook timeline and I mostly found myself writing about how I hate life. About 3 posts were about wanting suicide. Note that those posts revolve around wanting to to die but don’t.
I don’t know what causes the “I want to live” part. I suspect it’s just some sort of emo moment. Such as this post:
The difference between younger me’s suicidal thoughts and current me’s suicidal thoughts is that, I am not just having an emo moment. I really don’t care about “being cried for.” The reason for me staying alive right now is not because I want to be appreciated more. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I have other people to meet the needs of. Admittedly, it’s not a very good reason to want to stay alive. You should always stay alive for your own sake. It’s a reason.. albeit a bad one, and one I don’t want to live with for long.
I am trying to get some sleep since I have work tomorrow. Usually one anxiety pill knocks me out. But the first one didn’t work so I popped another one. My stomach is upset right now because the whole day I was just eating noodles, ice cream, and sunchips.