I feel sad even when I’m happy. It’s that simple.
I got back home from Safeway. Yet again, buying food. Because I binge eat. A lot. This time I bought chips. I haven’t bought chips in a long time. I used to have chips all the time and I got fat for it. Now I buy a lot of pizza. but i think i’m going to stop because I’m getting sick of pizza.
Now, I am just lying down in sadness. I don’t know why I am sad. Probably because I just don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Or that I am just depressed, and this is a normal thing. You’d think that after nearly 2 years, oh actually, 3 years, of being depressed everyday, I’d learn when I am depressed and how to get out of it. Actually, hold up. It’s been three fucking years? Shit. I remember that before summer 2014, I was never that sad in anything. I’m usually able to pick myself back up. Or shove lemons back in life’s eyes. But ever since that summer.. I lost it. In a way, being depressed got me back to drawing. So that was good. But it seems that as the years go by, my depression just gets worse and worse everyday. Nobody understands it. I was a different person after that summer. Completely different. People think that it was just stress or something that you can get over with. But it’s more than that.
I was always sort of an emo teenager. Sometimes I get depressed but never to the point where I can’t get out of bed. I never showed much emotion. I never showed fear, worry, or nerves. I never came to terms with how I was emotionally. I never admitted of how shy I was. Never admitted that I get jealous.I rarely cried. Basically I hid myself from anything human and convinced myself that it is how it’s supposed to be. I bottled myself up and never talked about my opinions because if I did, my family would judge the fuck out of me and tell me I am a useless piece of shit. So, I had to bottle things up as best as I could.
On the summer of 2014, I got kicked out of housing and basically had to be homeless. I didn’t have family with me since it was a foreign country and had to stay over at a friend’s house. But that event made me snap. And since then I am always overwhelmed with emotions. Sadness, anger, shyness, jealousy.. but mostly sadness. Everything that I had felt before came back to me 5 times stronger. And I don’t know what to do.
Now I am just lying here on the bed. I feel sad, but I can’t cry because I had cried a lot last week because I was feeling homesick. I thought I was sad because I felt homesick. But right now I’m not homesick. But I am still sad. Help.