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Week 11 Wednesday – Losing confidence

Yesterday was shitty.

I didn’t write yesterday because by the end of the work day I was so fucking depressed that I slept from around 9pm. Woke up at 2am, then at 6am, then finally at 7am. What happened, you might ask? Well nothing, that bad actually. But it’s VERY bad because I think it’s very bad.

Apparently I was assigned a task I was unaware of. Unaware because they were very vague about it. My fault, I should’ve asked right? But then when I asked, the instructions are unclear and it changes from day to day and I am just fucking confused ??? Nothing was explained to me from day one. And the person who was supposed to get in touch with because he ‘needed my help’ did not get in touch with me so I was like okay maybe they want to work on something else right now?? I don’t know, maybe I am bad at understanding.

In the end, I feel like I’ve disappointed another person as well as myself. So I was depressed.

Actually I probably blew this out of proportion for myself because it’s not really a mistake.. just a misunderstanding.

In any case, I HAVE to stop thinking about it as something that other people would really hate me for. Because the more I think that way, the more it will magically come true. People make all these mistakes all the time and they’re still ok. I mean, really, whats the worst thing that could happen? I embarrass myself? I could still go home and sleep, and tomorrow is another day. And I still get paid don’t I? I get fired? Actually, I’d be very glad to be fired… It will give me more time to do what I like.

Plus.. today I will be talking to a person who actually knows these things technically.. so I’d fare better with them. I don’t know, I feel like I’ve lost my confidence and self-esteem.

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