Today morning I wasn’t feeling particularly bad about myself. But then I proceeded to draw shit today and then I felt bad about myself because basically my drawings are shit and I want to fix one tomorrow.
My friend is also going to live with me in this house. This should deplete my feelings on loneliness on the reg but for the next 2 weeks we’ll probably try to sleep in the same bed or whatever (which i do not look forward to because the bed barely fits my fat body) or we can force in a sofa into my room or what not and she can sleep there in the mean time. Hopefully in the later.
I don’t know how I will feel about this because in a sense, I value loneliness a lot because it’s very hard to have time for yourself these days. But then again there are some times where I am too alone with myself that I start feeling suicidal again.
So I am having a panic attack right now because tomorrow im gonna have this lunch meeting with my fucking boss and my fucking vendor and im gonna have to tell em that hey actually there has been changes in my life recently and i cannot say for sure if in the next coming months i will be able to take on the hire. im gonna have to tell some shitstory like my brother is gonna come here but he has autism so i need to try to take care of him. It’s kinda a real scenario that might happen in the future tbh. So this might backfire. But what the shit, y know?
I also have this thing where I beat myself up so much if I am not able to help a person out. Like, I fail to help people do shit, and because of that, I am shit. fuck.
I am nothing more than a depressed human today. I can’t move. I have been on the bed with the lights off since 6PM. Or was it 5PM. I can’t remember.
I was crying. Yesterday, I couldn’t stop thinking. I am alone in my mind. I have no one to talk to. I do, I just cannot talk to them because I am at this state.
Please help me.
So basically my fucking pm is telling me to work on this one thing as a priority and i’m like ok, but the thing is it doesnt seem like the tech lead knows this bc like i think the pm is getting much pressure from the stakeholder so like she’s pushing me to do this even tho theres not much reqs to go off of and plus the thing this program builds on top of is pretty fucking dumb and it messes me up and im just like FUCK
So today he asked me if im comfortable with the task, im not sure what he means but im probably overthinking it, probably he doesnt mean like i am dumb on this hes just trying to help me and the thing is i am ok with it and i think i got most of it down u know? so like why am i feeling so fucking worried all the time? 😦
I don’t know why I keep having anxiety. Last night I dreamt that I was late for work. But that isn’t the only time.. the one last night was because the clock kept changing so I was never sure what the time was. The clock at my house says 9AM, but then my phone says 9PM, but when I came to work it was 12PM and when I looked at my phone it was 8:56AM. I had a meeting at 9AM today so that’s why it’s 9-centric. Then I realized I was probably late and then I jolted up, awake from the dream. Not only was I late, but I was also thinking about my friends and family. I dreamt that I was at home and my dad took me to work with his motorcycle and my sister was there too. Then I hung out with my friends: my high school friends, and my indonesian friends at TTU. These are probably homesick dreams and it has happened many times over the weeks. Once i dreamt I was going to get something for my sister until I realized I’m just dreaming. I got a bit depressed after that.