fear and anxiety · job

Week 13 Monday – All Day Panic Attacks

I was so extremely panicky today. Right now it’s 10:24PM and I am still having a panic attack. I was panicky from 8:30AM when my laptop didn’t want to turn on but I had a meeting. Then I was panicky because I needed to complete something by that day other wise I’m going to have a bad time tomorrow. It is done, the task is done but I am still so completely fucking worried all the time plus I mistakenly uploaded some sensitive data that i rolled back but then github still sucks in a way that it still could point to rolled back commits and I am so fucking aangry and Ive been so panicky just hoping that nobody would notice ,i mean if it comes to a point where somebody notices it i can just say it doesnt appear in the history, which it doesnt, which is good but then github sucks.

i was having panick attacks the whole day today and i stayed in the bathroom probably for a total of 30 minutes because i am so anxious today and tomorrow i have like 4 meetings in total which are like 1 hour each and i am going to go nuts really.

And it’s a lot because I am always afraid theyre going to expect so much from me and i dont deliver and things are going to go bad and then they yell at me and then i curl up in a ball and i get so nervous when i get home and then cry and wanna kill myself and then sleep but dont wanna wake up the next day but then i have to , so i do but then i meet the same people again the next day and the day after that and the day after that and all i wanna do is just to escape and be gone from the world and disappear as if i never existed.

I am so effing confused and day by day im just counting the days of when this thing will end. By september 1st or something like that i’m gonna have to tell them that i dont wanna work with them anymore because they expect me to tell them 45 days prior to contract end so since contract ends october 20, i have to tell them the bad news by sept 1 now heres the thing i dunno why i feel so bad about ending the contract because i really cannot wait for me to say bye bitches but like the people there are honestly so nice and i dont know how i can break it to them like thisits just that i hate the job like i hate being a cmputer scientist in general , i dont wanna code, i dnt wanna debug, i dnt wanna handle databases or any shit like that i just wanna stay home and keep drawing and improving my skills i dont give a fuck about coding. 😦

on the bright side since i bought an msp and havent been able to stop drawing.. today i wasnt planning to draw i was planning to take a break but i ended up practicing for 3-4 hours which is really nice.

my thoughts keep racing and im still having panic attacks and i dont know how to deal with them i am in fact very very veryvreyvervrey going to die right now

on the bright side i havent felt depressed in a while , maybe because the anxiety overshwdows everything i guess hahahahha i am sooooo anxious!!!! stop thinking!!!!!! 😦

i ran out of xanax and i wont get another bottle until wednesday so shaiodoasjdisadaoai i wanna die

my heart is still beating i dont kknow why but i really wanted to check my emails and to make sure that everything is ok and i am soooo oFUCKING







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