random thoughts

Praise from family

Who doesn’t love praise? I love praise. I am not afraid to admit that I love getting validation. Although, I don’t like it when that praise involves “showing me off” to other people. This applies only to my parents and some members in my fucking family.

Ya see, I know that if you have a child, and that child does something good, you’re proud of them. I get it. Now, what I hate is that my parents show me off to others. Saying that my salary is more, my job is better, how I’m living in the united states and all that shit. Like what the fuck? You talk about my ‘successes’ to other people because you don’t have anything else to talk about.. I hate it. I hate that so much! The good things in my life is 10% of my overall life.. I may look ‘successful’ on the outside, because that is what I try to project.. But I’m on the verge of mental breakdown 24/7. I get anxiety pills, I can never sleep, I am always tired, I always feel like shit at work, I am always longing to go home, but at the same time I don’t want to see my family because my family is fucking shit. I get panic attacks occasionally. I dread going to sleep every night. I feel like dying every morning. Plus, I might be the one to die the fastest because I only eat pizza rolls and instant noodles everyday.


What I hate more is that, my parents never say that they are proud of me whatsoever. They just always act so disappointed in me. Like whenever I do something good, they don’t see it. All they see is what I have not achieved. For example, I got a job. To me that is a great achievement. Now my dad don’t give a fuck. All he sees is the fact that I have not yet gathered enough money for my sister. And it’s been like that since little. He doesn’t care that I get good grades. All he feels is disappointment that my grades aren’t higher. Like for the UN exams , I got like a 92 but the national record is like 95 or something. He doesn’t give a shit that I got a 92. All he sees is that it’s not 95. Now he’s trying to do the same for my sister. He literally said to her “YOU HAVE TO FIND MONEY.” Like, she’s only 15 for pete’s sake. He is the grown up, his wife is the grown up. The people who are supposed to take care of her, literally told her to take care of herself.

Sigh. My parents do not know how to be parents. All they want to do is just to have offspring because that is what people do. They are delusional, have no purpose, no goals, don’t really try.

I also just hate it when they use me as an ‘example,’ as if saying that if people are not me, then they are bad people or they’re not trying enough. Really? You’re basically comparing my strength to another person’s weakness.. And the same thing the other way around. They always compare my weaknesses to other’s stengths.. And it’s like if I am not them, then I am a bad person. I grew up in that environment, and I grew up to be such a depressed, anxious, always longing, never happy, never satisfied kind of person. I mean it’s good that I am always trying to reach for something better.. but they are not for the right reasons. I do things because I am afraid that if I don’t do it, then I will be a bad person. The good thing is, the fear is that the only thing that pushes me.. sometimes I am pushed by pure curiosity, which is always good. But I have to admit that the fear is the stronger push.

I wished that.. I was never brought up in this kind of family.

I was always demeaned. They USED me to demean others. They don’t ever really say ‘good job’ for the sake of you did a good job. It’s always ‘good job, now make money out of it.’ They never tell me that I am enough. They tell me that I can’t be where I am now because if I stay the way I am, I will have trouble in the future. They can never talk to me without having any hidden intentions. They always gossip about me. They talk about me as if they know everything about me. I was left to find out how to do my own self-improvement. There is no role-model in my family. Just people who I never want to be when I get older. They blame me for everything. They make me feel small and hopeless.

They are no more than toxic. I never want to be involved with them. Ever again. I was always alone in my room because I am afraid of them. Afraid of being judged. But in the past, I have always thought that they were right. Now, I don’t anymore. And even if there is a second when it SEEMS that they are right, they’re wrong. Never trust them again. Ever.


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