random thoughts

Tired, getting pressure, feeling numb

I’m right now having this feeling that I am addicted to: sleepiness.

I just took 2 sleeping pills, because just one isn’t enough. I just feel so not myself today because of the anxiety from work today. I don’t even want to talk about it. My friend is currently staying with me and one of the benefits of haing a friend with you is so that you have somebody to talk to. But I am too depressed to do that right now. Either that or I hate talking about bad news in general. I don’t like to complain much. At least, I try not to. Actually, I do complain sometime. But I put it outin a burst of anger. Sort of. Today I kinda did burst in anger a little bit in the office. But I try to mask it out with humor. But in reality, my blood is just boiling. And I just really wanted to escape. Yup, that’s me. Escaping when situations get bad.

More than that, I am simply just getitng pressure from these people to finish things. Sigh.

I just feel numb right now actually. Not happy. Not sad. Not depressed.. I don’t feel like myself. I fear a lot of things. I played the piano for 1.5 hrs today but didn’t draw. I don’t htink I wil because i’ll be sleeping in a bit, even though it is only 8:19 PM now.

Duno, i’m considering taking an art class. It should be fun. I am sayng that without excitement though. I am just numb to be honest.

random thoughts

No longer improving in art

I feel depressed now. I feel like I am no longer improving in art. When I look at my art from like January, it doesn’t feel like any has changed. If anything I feel like I was better before than now.

Sigh, i just feel so despondent right now.

Today afternoon I had a call with one of my bosses and of course, I feel immensely stupid. so, yeah. What are you gonna do. I’m excited to be out of here, really.

I just want to continue my art adventures.. with the money I am earning that is how i choose to spend it. i feel so sad, depressed.

depression

Weekend Depression, forgetting what it’s like to be happy

Not only do I get depressed on the weekdays because of work.. I often get severely depressed on the weekends as well. For no reason other than feeling utterly useless. Yesterday was the worst one in a while. It was actually very hard to get out of bed. Usually, when I’m depressed, I could still force myself to do things. But yesterday was one of those really bad days. I was literally just lying there listening to music and just wanting to close my eyes even if it was only 3pm. I woke up at 1:30pm that day.

Yesterday I was to the point where I WANTED to go to work.. to get rid of the feeling of being useless and all. Not saying that at work I am not useless.. but at least there I am doing something .. regardless if it is done well or not..

So yeah, I don’t really know what else to say other than I am just so depressed I wish I could cry but I couldn’t because I am not sad. Okay, maybe I am a bit sad for myself. Because it feels as though no matter how good things get this is how I would feel all the time and it’s not a very good feeling to be depressed all the time. I don’t know what to do. And it kind of scares me. Because I have spent few hours feeling that I would eventually kill myself in the future. Don’t know when or how. But I just kind of fear for myself that I would do something in the future. When I am a couple of years older, when I would put an end to myself.

A part of why I feel that way is because it is as if I have no reason to live anymore now. I am not needed. I always somehow push my friends away. I never do anything right. I always disappoint family and friends. I draw but that’s all I can do, and I don’t even do it well. I code for a living. I don’t even want to do it. Everyday I feel like I am dying. Even now, I’m not even coding. Just doing a bunch of useless tasks like a fucking intern. People encourage me and say I’m not useless and that i’m doing well.. but somehow I just don’t believe it? Inside, I am just lonely, sad, depressed, always longing, and anxious… It’s always a storm in my brain and I don’t know how to stop it. I always sleep so much because I am always so sad. I forgot what it feels like to be ‘happy.’ To be satisfied with something. To feel like I am ‘enough.’ I really don’t know what it feels like anymore. It’s the same feeling when I think about my eyesight. I’ve been wearing glasses for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what it feels like for a normal person to see. I don’t know what it’s like to be happy. I don’t know what joy feels like.

It is now mid-August. It’s insane how close I am to ending my work here. None of them now about it until now, so I’m still really trying to figure out how to break the bad news once it has to come.. It’s getting closer and close and I don’t know what to do about it, really. I’ve just been trying to avoid things.

Although, leaving will be bitter sweet. There are some moments when I love working there.. MOST times though.. I just wish I could leave as soon as possible. I am just very tired and sick of everything. I just want to run away. Run far far away and never come back. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to be remembered. I don’t want to have existed at all. There is no point in doing any of this.

Welp, it’s nearly 1 AM now and I got work tomorrow. To be honest I’m kind of glad I have work.. well, yeah at the same time I wish there wasn’t work. But it’s like same old same old. But at least it’s not rock bottom. Sigh. I don’t know. I just feel very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone because I don’t want to be with other people. I just don’t understand myself.

depression · random thoughts · suicide

End of week 17. Snapping, suicide, losing interest in life

so yesterday i snapped because i was angry. I was angry because my friend whom i am mad at didnt take responsibility for a certain action. But being the bitch that i am, of course i dont tell her that. And its not her fault either actually. I just really like the satisfaction that somebody had to take responsibility for me lol, i am a dik. So i snapped, i pressed a bunch o keys on her keyboard, and she got mad at me bc she thinks it will break and then i took a long walk, probably nearly 3 hours. I walked to the metro, to the park, accross the road where there are a lotta car brands, the park again, watched a bunch of people play basketball and tennis, sat on the park benches, punched a bunch of benches because i was still angry, punched some walls, sang sad songs, walked around safeway, discovered many cool places, came back home at 10:30pm. Then i told hwr if the keyboard happens to break, which i doubt, because ive smashed many keyboards in the past and they dont break by key smashing, and she said if u wanna replace it go ahead, im like well lol. I guess i shoulda expected that response. She doesnt know how to handle others sadness i guess. Well, particularly, my sadness because nobody can handle it so i dont blame her anyways. One time when i was on a mental break down she told me to keep thinking of myself as a loser and kill myself . Ok maybe she didnt tell me to kill myself but i felt that way. I am such a fucking loser.

Anyway im kinda pissed at her, even tho i probably shouldnt be. I am just a complicated bitch and i hate myself. So i spent the rest of the night swallowing anxiety pills bc i ran out of sleeping pills so i need to sleep help and crying because suddenly felt how alone i am, that i inherently am unable to accept anybody in my life. The only friend I have in indo wont reply my texts, the one friend i have accessible, i kinda threw her away. For some reason whenever i throw people away i always feel good at a short term.. because people have weaknesses and i hate weaknesses somehow. Of course people are not perfect, but my fucking brain will always try to amgnify the bad things, making it so that kicking people out of my life much easier.. but in the long run it makes me very lonely. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

that night i contacted 741741, crying, because i really felt like I wanted to kill myself this weekend. Because it had just dawned on me that i am extremely useless and i dont deserve anything, and whenever i am in contact with another person i always end up ruining everything and hurting them. I just really want to not participate in life at all. I just like to observe in silence, with no intentions. I just want to stop existing, i want to be forgotten. I never asked for life,i want to die. I dont deserve anything good at all.

i just feel so hurt a lot because a lot of people think that I am simply smart, can do several things without trying. In fact, for everything that i do, is all done by hard work. But all they say is that i am ‘talented’ or ‘lucky.’ Of course, i owe a lot to being lucky. But sometimes i’d like people to realize that nobody did some magic on me to make me who i am. I can do things because ive sacrificed a lot to achieve what i want. Things i sacrifice include friends and family. In the end, i am very lonely. My piano and drawing skills is literally all i have to keep me company. Theyre not necessarily the best company though. In fact, they give me a lot of depression. But its the kind of depression that I am addicted to, i keep coming back for more.

ive realized that having a working life now has made me so much more bland as a person. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. When i was in college, i was always fired up with new ideas… but now i dont. When i see apps in the app store, i dont get inspired at all. It’s just meh. I also used to be very engaged in financial knowledge, and books,.. but not anymore. I just feel empty. Ive forgotten how it feels like to feel ecstatic about something. Now, even piano and drawing gives me an average level of excitement. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Usually the ecstatic feeling i am talking about is that feeling that you get for a couple of days until you eventually feel normal aboit life again. But still, i just miss that excitement because its what made me feel alive on some days, but now i just dont feel it anymore. All thats in my mind is just my boring work and nothing else.

i still wish death to come upon me. Sometimes i think of why good people had to die too soon. Like robin williams, christina grimmie, and chester bennington. I shouldve been the one to die, not them. If i were to die, nothing would change anyway.

random thoughts

I don’t have friends, being useless

Okay, I do have friends. But why do I feel so extremely useless in front of them? As if I’m not good enough of a friend.. because they have other friends who are more important than I am. I mean, I am sure that they don’t think that way at all. But that is what my brain convinces me as truth. In friendship and in professional life. And it’s kind of killing me.

Like okay, my friend e lives all the way in indo so we don’t talk other than through facebook. for 4 years now, it’s been great, we’re still friends and we still communicate. but lately she’s been busy with a lot of things and other friends of course that she never replies to me anymore on there. of course, its not like she has any obligation to.. but i just wished she would because i am quite lonely. And the fact that she has so many other friends make me feel so envious, wishing i had that many good friends as well. to be honest, i really don’t have any other friends than e, and s, who is currently living with me right now. so technically, she is the closest friend to me at the moment. but she also has so many friends, so that’s why this week she’s going somewhere. next week she’s going somewhere. you know, to meet friends.

I am both jealous and envious of them. They’re quite literally my only two close friends right now. But i can’t talk to them as much as I would like to. I don’t know. Honestly, I do not think that is the issue anyway. I am just very jealous. I hate it when people do more than me. It’s like i’m not trying hard enough or something. that’s exactly whats happening at work too. i just feel so useless when my coworked talked to more people than i did.

why?

at work i just feel completely useless and i never want to do anything. plus my bosses hate their jobs and 1 of my co worker also hates her job, and 1 other co worker just complains all the time and it’s kinda sorta killing me. i try to never complain and i always try to be flexible and get around hardships and never really try to express negative feelings or whatever but it’s hard to keep that attitude when everyone around you is doing exactly what you avoid doing.

Makes me sad.

Even if I didn’t have to leave this company I would probably still consider leaving. I need a break. I am burnt out. But at the same time, I feel nervous at times of burnout. And I feel guilty when i burtn out and i feel even worse than before.

I just want to sleep and never wake up. Just disappear and never come back. Never remembered. Never noticed. Never have existed.