drawing · Moments when I'm slightly less depressed

I’m pretty happy with today

So basically I reached my goal today of studying abs.. even if just a little bit and also studying color relationships by drawing something in black and white. and honestly, i thinkim understanding things a bit more now.

job · random thoughts

I’m pretty much not too happy about myself, also anxiety is coming back and i am pissed rn

So today I managed to ‘finish’ one of the value study assignments. 4 more to go. I said finished in quotation marks because i feel like what i drew turned out to be complete shit and like didnt match anything at all so im jus kinda pissed a little bit. 😦 loking at all the assignments of other students make wanna be like FUCK I AM SO TERRIBLE.

Also I am scared that my work anxiety is gonna come back bc my boss is gonna be in office tomorrow so i hate the feeling of somebody looking over my shoulder, even if they are probably not doing that, but i am just getting that feeling. and that feeling sucks.

Also I don’t know why the fuck i am always so tired. i woke up after quite a long sleep (albeit a disturbed sleep) and i woke sore and throughout the day beasicallyi wanted to die. coing home i was still pretty much sore and now it’s 12 am and i am still effng sore. i wanna die pls 😦

Tomorrow is another day.. on the bright side, tomorrow is the middle of the week.. so just 3 more days to go. yup.

random thoughts

Monday fatigue

I am so fucking tired. I am thinking of sleeping early today at laest.. It’s 10:30pm right now and i feel like i can just go to sleep already..

Today I didn’t even draw much.. I was trying to fix photoshop bc it was fucking slow and i got fucking pissed. Overall I spent 2 or 2.5 hrs  on the wacom.. 80% of which is figuring out photoshop. Sigh. My wrists are fucking tired and my back hurts more than anything. My eyes are tired. How the fuck

random thoughts

Week 19 in retrospect

Let’s see.

This week was kind of busier than usual at work because of some person. And also I was going home later than usual and it kind of pisses me off. But at the same time I could arrive to work later so that’s nice. Plus my boss weren’t on site for the past 2 weeks so that kind of eliminated a lot of my anxiety there. But she’s coming back tomorrow so I’m kinda hoping that I won’t get panic attacks.

The start of the week was great in terms of drawing.. I was listening to podcasts from bobby chiu which is really awesome bc his talks are very informative and it definitely helped me stay motivated even just a little bit. I did assignments for the coloring and lighting course from schoolism and i did a couple of them, i did about 5. And i am proud that I made it to 5.. For monday and tuesday I felt very good. Wednesday I kind of declined a bit. Then thursday i became depressed like i wanna cry and just dont wanna see people and just wanna sleep and stop existing. I didn’t do any art that day. Then on Friday I still stayed depressed and really didn’t do anything much. I believe I sketches some stuff but not very productive. Then saturday i tried to paint this fucking environment but it turned out so bad so I became depressed and just sketched the whole day until 2am then just lied down on the bed until 6am. then sunday i tried to paint another environment which worked out. so now i’m feeling a bit better.

Another good thing happened this week is taylor swift released a new song and the music video just came out a few hours ago and im obsessed. tbh at first the song is monotone but me liking taylor swift anyway i ended up digging the song.

also yesterday i spent a few minutes thinking about my sexual orientation somehow. like do i like girls? now that i think about it. the answer is yes, but i’ve never liked em sexually. so that’s that. Sigh, it’s the effect of 2017 i guess. you question your sexual orientation even when you are obviously not queer in the slightest. i like men, plain and simple.

Sigh, I don’t know why i’m writing this on a Sunday night. I feel like doing these retrospective thing is not working cuz like i remember the bad things more than i remember the good things and its like making me depressed at 11:33pm on a sunday and it just reminds me what the week will look like. sigh. Honestly though i am tired but at least my willpower to deal with people is refueled. Hopefully it will last until at least Thursday. But honestly it usually only lasts until Wednesday and then thursday and fridays i just become this fucking depressed shit who wants to cry all the time an kill herself.

Week 20, here we go. Although, there will be 7 more weeks in this job and leaving will be bitter sweet. Sweet because i dont have to deal with these fucking people anymore. bitter because i’m gonna have to deal with NEW fucking people. And I am definitely not looking forward to that.

Anyways this week I’ve been into memes lately. I mean more than usual.

I am doing some schoolism stuff this week about values and exposure and edges. wml. Now I’m going back to my memes.

random thoughts

Depressed and literally can’t do anything, I need to be alone more than anything.

I don’t even know where to start. So It’s been apparent that my friend lives with me now. She lives in the room next to mine but I really feel like I have been depressed lately mostly because I couldn’t get to be alone. Yesterday, I tried to lock myself away but she came in anyway and so i had to talk to her. sigh. today i tried to do the same, but this time i turned off the lights so she couldnt tell i was here. it worked for like an hour until my eyes started hurting from trying to see in the dark too much. so then i noticed she was upstairs doing some computer things and i needed to wear pants so i turned on the lights and literally the moment before i turned off the lights she fucking saw me with the lights on and basically came in the room, which i shouldve locked. i am fucking pissed at myself. i literally just need time alone and away because im getting so depressed and literally the suicidal thoughts are becoming even more real and im starting to get scared of myself really.

So then i tried to escape by going to safeway and buy this fucking lays and when i came back the landlady asked me for some help and my friend is there so i had to interact with both of those people even tho really i do not have the energy to talk to ANYONE at all.. so i hlped her half-assed. and i feel guilty about it because my friend was helping the landlady really nice and i just really wanted to go downstairs and just fucking bury myself on the bed but its kinda hard to do. better yet i just wanna literally die. because i really do not have the will to go on anymore.. plus tomorrow i need to go to work. it’s friday but i still need to go though. i am sad, depressed.

after that i tried again to just lock myself up but somebody keeps barging in and im kinda pissed.

tomorrow i’m gonna make sure that i wont fail again in turning off my lights.. i really dont want anyone to know that i am here. ijust want to be alone more than anything. i am getting super depressed.