random thoughts

Week 16 Sunday – Some life updates

So I haven’t been writing much for this week. Not because I’m not overwhelmed with anxiety and depression.. but because my friend decided to live here so I have no chance to write.. I just don’t want to seem like a super depression person that’s all. However, yesterday, I somehow felt depressed, a tiny bit suicidal too so it felt so uncomfortable that I had to feel that way in her company.

I felt so depressed yesterday that I decided to contact my friend in Texas who I usually talk to about depression, mostly because he’s the most familiar with all these mental illness nonsense. So basically I texted him yesterday afternoon that I didn’t feel like living. He suggested me to play some games or get a hobby. Well, here’s the thing. All my life, is literally just hobbies. I fucking hate my job. And when I come home, I draw and draw. And now, I’m starting to play the piano a lot too, which makes me grateful because I had never practiced the piano in this much intensity in over 7 years. I am getting the hang of the Time Travel theme from the Secret movie (I have literally tried to play that song for SO fucking long, probably nearly 5 years but I had never gotten around to practice the second half of the song) and I am learning another fast song from the same movie. I’m playing calming songs too. I mess up a lot, but I really don’t care because my love for the piano is sparked. For now, at least. But playing the piano makes me feel so calm. It’s as if I went back to my middle school years (that’s the time of my peak piano activities). At the time, I was performing in concerts with my cousins (whom I never speak to anymore), I was so into Naruto and I was learning their songs.. Sigh, those were the good ol’ days. I remember when I legitly wanted to be a musician. But nah. I really cannot handle the anxiety of having to perform all the time. It’s just too much. Especially for the piano for if you mess up, it’s very noticeable. I still stand on that decision now. My piano training is not to the extent of professionals.. but it’s enough for me to be able to play any song.. as long as I am willing to put in the time. Maybe being a piano teacher would be better. Maybe it’s something for the future. I enjoy teaching after all.

I am also thinking of maybe teaching digital art.. I’m no expert but i think it would be fun right? In the mean time, I really need to keep practicing

I just really want to escape. Tomorrow is another Monday. But honestly, after writing this, I think I am ready for tomorrow. Ready for another battle. The 5 day battle. I know I can do it. There is only 26 working days left before I have to break them the news that I would not be working there anymore. To be honest, I really don’t want to work there anymore.. Because it is completely boring and I am not given anything to work on.. just stupid side tasks. Not sure if it’s because it is the only thing they have right now or they just don’t trust me at all. In any case, I just really want to run away and never come back.

The goodbye will be very bitter-sweet though. On one hand, I would be fucking happy to leave that job. The other hand, is that I’d probably miss my co-worker and boss because they’re pretty awesome. Although, I’d be happy to leave the fucking tester. Cuz, despite being a nice guy, he’s also very argumentative and has a humongous ego.. Probably as big as mine. Ha. But nonetheless.. at the current moment, I can imagine that leaving the job would make me much happier.. I’d have to go back to studying again and having to look for other jobs. But nonetheless, I love learning for myself much more than working for other people.. I mean it’s not that I HATE coding.. Ok, I do kind of hate it. But I don’t ABSOLUTELY HATE it. In some cases I could withstand it. Withstand it enough so that when I come from work, I could do something I am really passionate about. Which is art and music. But right now.. sigh.. It’s just that whenever I come to work I feel super useless, y know? It’s honestly mentally exhausting to not do anything at work. But if I do something else that isn’t work, I feel super bad about myself.. constantly fearing that somebody would look over my shoulder and found out I wasn’t working. Sigh. And when meetings come about what I did for my tasks.. I can’t really say much because they literally didn’t give me any tasks.. And I feel like I am useless. But I shouldn’t think that way.. If I have done my best, then i’ve done my best. Nothing else I could do about that. And I KNOW I have done my very best to complete all tasks in a timely manner, with as much quality as possible.

I just realized that this is literally the month of August. Which means it’s 5 more months until 2018.. And it’s been 7 months since Trump’s inauguration. Around 10 months since the elections..  10 months + a few weeks since the presidential debates. 2 fucking years since I started drawing seriously again. Wow. How time flies.

In terms of drawing, i can definitely say I have improved to some degree. I understand anatomy much more. I can figure out colors better. I have gone more to quantity, not quality. Which is the direction I really want to go. Two years ago, I could barely draw faces properly.. Now I don’t do them 100% properly but i know how to render more things much better, of course. Day by day.. it’s really hard to see improvements. But improvements are meant to be seen over a couple of years.. so I shouldn’t feel low about myself. Like anything, I have to be patient with myself. And that’s all. I do not have to solve my life problems today. Just take it a step at a time.

I’ve also recently been watching more about God and stuf.. Not because I am religious. But because I think religion is ridiculous. i sometimes have debates with my coworker over religion. .he’s muslim and he believes that I need to be saved. I made a lot of points about how religion doesn’t make sense and He just thinkgs I really need to be saved. I mean, i’m not that surprised. Everyone thinks I need to be saved because I don’t believe in the existence of god. and that somehow made me a person who is in danger. I mean in all hoesty I like getting that attention. somehow being an atheist means that I need to be saved. So i get all of these concerns about me needing to be saved. I mean, keep the attention coming.. I kinda like it. I mean, i am open to being wrong. Meaning I am open to the existence of god, if I were given valid evidence. Sadly, I think so far there is no evidence of noah’s flood , jesus’ resurrection, sodom and gomorah.. etc etc. It’s all fairy tale bullshit.. Only it’s probably one of the most morbid fairy tales of all. Even the Brther’s Grim stories aren’t as messed up as the bible.

I think i’m done writing. I am feeling much better now that I have dumped my thoughts here. I’m gnna watch some videous with richard dawkins in it. It’s a lot of fun.

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