random thoughts

I don’t have friends, being useless

Okay, I do have friends. But why do I feel so extremely useless in front of them? As if I’m not good enough of a friend.. because they have other friends who are more important than I am. I mean, I am sure that they don’t think that way at all. But that is what my brain convinces me as truth. In friendship and in professional life. And it’s kind of killing me.

Like okay, my friend e lives all the way in indo so we don’t talk other than through facebook. for 4 years now, it’s been great, we’re still friends and we still communicate. but lately she’s been busy with a lot of things and other friends of course that she never replies to me anymore on there. of course, its not like she has any obligation to.. but i just wished she would because i am quite lonely. And the fact that she has so many other friends make me feel so envious, wishing i had that many good friends as well. to be honest, i really don’t have any other friends than e, and s, who is currently living with me right now. so technically, she is the closest friend to me at the moment. but she also has so many friends, so that’s why this week she’s going somewhere. next week she’s going somewhere. you know, to meet friends.

I am both jealous and envious of them. They’re quite literally my only two close friends right now. But i can’t talk to them as much as I would like to. I don’t know. Honestly, I do not think that is the issue anyway. I am just very jealous. I hate it when people do more than me. It’s like i’m not trying hard enough or something. that’s exactly whats happening at work too. i just feel so useless when my coworked talked to more people than i did.

why?

at work i just feel completely useless and i never want to do anything. plus my bosses hate their jobs and 1 of my co worker also hates her job, and 1 other co worker just complains all the time and it’s kinda sorta killing me. i try to never complain and i always try to be flexible and get around hardships and never really try to express negative feelings or whatever but it’s hard to keep that attitude when everyone around you is doing exactly what you avoid doing.

Makes me sad.

Even if I didn’t have to leave this company I would probably still consider leaving. I need a break. I am burnt out. But at the same time, I feel nervous at times of burnout. And I feel guilty when i burtn out and i feel even worse than before.

I just want to sleep and never wake up. Just disappear and never come back. Never remembered. Never noticed. Never have existed.

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