depression · random thoughts · suicide

End of week 17. Snapping, suicide, losing interest in life

so yesterday i snapped because i was angry. I was angry because my friend whom i am mad at didnt take responsibility for a certain action. But being the bitch that i am, of course i dont tell her that. And its not her fault either actually. I just really like the satisfaction that somebody had to take responsibility for me lol, i am a dik. So i snapped, i pressed a bunch o keys on her keyboard, and she got mad at me bc she thinks it will break and then i took a long walk, probably nearly 3 hours. I walked to the metro, to the park, accross the road where there are a lotta car brands, the park again, watched a bunch of people play basketball and tennis, sat on the park benches, punched a bunch of benches because i was still angry, punched some walls, sang sad songs, walked around safeway, discovered many cool places, came back home at 10:30pm. Then i told hwr if the keyboard happens to break, which i doubt, because ive smashed many keyboards in the past and they dont break by key smashing, and she said if u wanna replace it go ahead, im like well lol. I guess i shoulda expected that response. She doesnt know how to handle others sadness i guess. Well, particularly, my sadness because nobody can handle it so i dont blame her anyways. One time when i was on a mental break down she told me to keep thinking of myself as a loser and kill myself . Ok maybe she didnt tell me to kill myself but i felt that way. I am such a fucking loser.

Anyway im kinda pissed at her, even tho i probably shouldnt be. I am just a complicated bitch and i hate myself. So i spent the rest of the night swallowing anxiety pills bc i ran out of sleeping pills so i need to sleep help and crying because suddenly felt how alone i am, that i inherently am unable to accept anybody in my life. The only friend I have in indo wont reply my texts, the one friend i have accessible, i kinda threw her away. For some reason whenever i throw people away i always feel good at a short term.. because people have weaknesses and i hate weaknesses somehow. Of course people are not perfect, but my fucking brain will always try to amgnify the bad things, making it so that kicking people out of my life much easier.. but in the long run it makes me very lonely. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

that night i contacted 741741, crying, because i really felt like I wanted to kill myself this weekend. Because it had just dawned on me that i am extremely useless and i dont deserve anything, and whenever i am in contact with another person i always end up ruining everything and hurting them. I just really want to not participate in life at all. I just like to observe in silence, with no intentions. I just want to stop existing, i want to be forgotten. I never asked for life,i want to die. I dont deserve anything good at all.

i just feel so hurt a lot because a lot of people think that I am simply smart, can do several things without trying. In fact, for everything that i do, is all done by hard work. But all they say is that i am ‘talented’ or ‘lucky.’ Of course, i owe a lot to being lucky. But sometimes i’d like people to realize that nobody did some magic on me to make me who i am. I can do things because ive sacrificed a lot to achieve what i want. Things i sacrifice include friends and family. In the end, i am very lonely. My piano and drawing skills is literally all i have to keep me company. Theyre not necessarily the best company though. In fact, they give me a lot of depression. But its the kind of depression that I am addicted to, i keep coming back for more.

ive realized that having a working life now has made me so much more bland as a person. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. When i was in college, i was always fired up with new ideas… but now i dont. When i see apps in the app store, i dont get inspired at all. It’s just meh. I also used to be very engaged in financial knowledge, and books,.. but not anymore. I just feel empty. Ive forgotten how it feels like to feel ecstatic about something. Now, even piano and drawing gives me an average level of excitement. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Usually the ecstatic feeling i am talking about is that feeling that you get for a couple of days until you eventually feel normal aboit life again. But still, i just miss that excitement because its what made me feel alive on some days, but now i just dont feel it anymore. All thats in my mind is just my boring work and nothing else.

i still wish death to come upon me. Sometimes i think of why good people had to die too soon. Like robin williams, christina grimmie, and chester bennington. I shouldve been the one to die, not them. If i were to die, nothing would change anyway.

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