depression · fear and anxiety

Reasons why I am sad

For the past week I’ve been looking for animes whose plot revolves around suicide. Out of my search, I love 2 animes about this: Koe No Katachi and Colorful. Koe No Katachi is about a boy who regretted bullying a deaf girl and the movie started out with him attempting to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Colorful is basically how a boy who attempted suicide realizes his life is worth living. I’m not good at explaining but it’s really good honestly. One line kept making me weep from that movie: “You are necessary to this world.”

Then I rewatched Inside Out. I cried for the last 30 minutes of that movie.

Crying for 1-2 hours today has made me realize that I need to come to terms with my sadness. Instead of trying to repress it with ‘being positive.’ In fact, that’s what I used to try to do when I began this blog.. If you read my posts from 2015, you can see how I was just an annoying positive, always-smiling asshole. With that, I want to list the things that is causing me sadness the most. Listed in order of importance.

  1. Homesickness. Today afternoon I got off talking with my sister and we were singing kpop songs for 3 hours over facebook video messenger and I am sad because on the weekdays that cannot happen because of the 11 hour difference. I miss home so much. And I don’t know the next chance of when I can visit home.
  2. I hate my job, so very much. I am dreading every single second I have to spend working for my company. 8 fucking ours of sitting on my butt in an office, doing a work I hate, working for people I don’t care about (even though they are nice), and having to work together with a co-worker that I absolutely cannot bear. The job itself is causing me anxiety and I am just killing myself every single day that I am there.
  3. I am stuck career-wise. I actually am not sure what career I want. Right now it’s art. Or mostly things in entertainment. Like to create things that people can enjoy. But due to points 1,2,3, I am not able to draw as much as I used to. Due to the anxiety, I cannot even enjoy art as much as I used to. So.. I hate computer science. I don’t enjoy drawing anymore.. what do I do? How can I start enjoying what I love again? 😦
  4. My brother. My brother has mild autism. He is 21 this year, but he does not function as well as a regular 21-year-old does. I don’t know what I can do about him. For so long, I’ve worried about him but I don’t know what steps I can take to help. I feel so helpless.
  5. If I come back to my family (to cure homesickness), I will hate it. As homesick as I am right now, one of the reasons that is holding me back from going home is that my extended family are all assholes and I do not look forward to seeing them ever.
  6. Emotional eating. Self-explanatory.

The things in this list are kind of like a domino effect. Like 1 probably causes 2, which causes 3. And because of the anxiety caused by 1,2, and 3, I am worrying about 4 and 5.

I’m not sure what to do anymore.

depression · drawing · random thoughts

Saturday drawing success, binge watching youtube, and depression

So today I managed to actually finish a drawing.. and I am so happy about it. The drawing wasn’t amazing but more than anything, I was focusing on finishing. Nothing more nothing less. I posted the drawing on Instagram and trying not to worry so much about the number of likes or exposure. Of course, I always wished that I could have done better but I am okay enough by the fact that something is done. I was struggling a bit to finish it but I am glad I finished.

Today I was binge watching Youtube.. mainly on this Youtuber called Jacob cruikshank. I really like how he formats his videos and tbh I like how he and his brother, Lucas cruikshank, presents their content. They all seem like theyre drunk when doing their vids, but they’re just very creative and funny.

I talked to my dad today. I miss my family so much. But I am just so sad how my dad just always talks about bad things that are out of my control. Like my brother and sister. I mean they kind of are within my control. But I am working on it. And it’s not very enjoyable to be under that much pressure all the time.

It’s 2AM now. I’m probably going to eat another cup of ice cream. My head feels like it’s floating but I can’t sleep. Probably because my stomach is filled with nothing but ice cream tonight.

Also I cannot get this image of a bug in the bath room out of my head. Fuck.

depression · fear and anxiety · suicide

Week 9 End – Pizza, Guilt, Worries

It is now the end of week 9 and it is 12:11AM right now and I had ordered pizza. Although, I feel like a huge dick for not giving the pizza guy a tip even though he delivered in the rain. Well what am I supposed to do man they never asked for a tip before so I just assumed I didn’t need to. Plus I didn’t have cash on hand. Damn he was pissed. Oh well. Can’t do anything about it. Probably won’t do anything about it because I am a cheap-ass motherfucker.

Anyways, Fridays are always so quiet and I didn’t have anything to do.

I am now thinking a lot of bad things that may happen to me. I am getting worried sick for no good reason. And worried about the things I do not need to worry about, increasing my anxiety levels and making me more tired than I am supposed to. I just had 3 anxiety pills but it’s not working and I am just getting very sleepy and I am about to pass out.

Seriously, I need to start telling people not to give me any bad news because little do they know, it’s going to consume my days. I need to forget about it.

This week had been a slow week. I just found out that the contract technically ends October 20th. So that’s like 17 more weeks to go. I can do this. I can get through this.

I am just pissed that my co-worker, who doesn’t know how to do anything technical is basically taking up all the credit by saying ‘I’ instead of ‘we.’ That could also probably because I am a sensitive motherfucker. But call me sensitive all you want but I did most of the work while he just talked and talked like a fucking bitch and it’s kinda diving me nuts and I am going crazy and I am about to die. I mean tbh I die everyday mentally so it’s not a surprise anymore andddddasdudashdiashdsa

PLEASE LET ME ENJOY MY WEEKEND  😥

depression · random thoughts

I miss home

Basically lately I’ve been pretty homesick. Hence the frequent calls with my sister. Heck, I’d even take the call if it were my parents, that’s how lonely i am. 

I am currently renting a place in a house owned by a chinese family. And every night theyd have dinner together and whenever i come upstairs to their dining room it always feel so loney for me because id do anything to have that with my family right now. 

Also theres 2 children living in this house, one is 10 and the other is 11 and theyre just the sweetest. Basically i envy how they can still stay a kid without needing to worry ahout anything. Also i envy the people who look my age but they have a lot of freedom in which their job is what the enjoy (at least i am assuming so because they are piano teachers) and they can still stay with the family for as long as they want.l which is great and ultimately what i want.

I’m probably asking too much now arent i.

depression · drawing · random thoughts

I miss drawing, but I can’t draw well, and I hate myself for it, hating having a boss, and attempting to tutor

After a while, I’ve come to make myself believe that I am not a worthy artist anymore. I mean, it’s probably because I haven’t put that much effort into drawing anymore. Mostly because I am too tired to do it lately.

Whenever I look at my old art, they always look so much better than I can do right now. And it makes me sad. I’m not sure I can compare my current self to my old self because well, I remembered when I did the ‘good’ art, I was feeling great about myself.. But now I just hate myself all the time. And because of that I can’t draw well. And because of that, I hate myself.. and the cycle just goes on.

But then this brings me to another point.. If I cannot draw.. and I hate being a software developer (like I FUCKING hate it..), then what am I? Maybe I love drawing because of the freedom.. I remember when I was in highschool, I stopped my love to draw because somebody was telling me what to draw.. and somebody had to judge me for it. I mean you get that on a daily basis with art but the things that I put forward on Instagram for example, it’s my own shots.. I don’t have to think about somebody else liking it.. if I want to post it, I will. And I think this is why I hate being a software developer.. well.. i dont hate being a software developer.. i just hate having to wait for somebody to call the shots. i like calling my own shots.

I don’t know. Maybe it stems from my hate towards people. or it’s just that it’s hard for me to find a person I can harmonize with while working. to be honest, all my life, i cannot find anyone i am very comfortable working with 100%. because nobody in this life has as much dedication as i am when it comes to working. and actually, that is not necessarily a good thing because i tend to just forget everything in life and work. this includes health, family, friends, and anything else you can think of. so obviously nobody is as low as i am. and because i expect highly of people as i expect highly of myself.. i end up never enjoying anyone’s company except my own..

and that’s probably why drawing has stuck with me for the longest time. nobody was there to try to call any shots for me. i do it myself. but .. this is not a good thing is it? sigh. i hate it when people tell me what to do. fuck.

i’ve recently applied to be a tutor on chegg.com. And they’ll get back to my application in a week. I mean i like being a tutor. I like helping people but also i like being the one to call the shots. Essentially.. I like being a learner as well. because there is nobody to ‘command’ you what to learn. you learn out of your own curiosity.

I also applied to be a tutor on tutor.com but the exams make me lazy, man.

I might go back to value investing. i need to study the udemy course.