Not only do I get depressed on the weekdays because of work.. I often get severely depressed on the weekends as well. For no reason other than feeling utterly useless. Yesterday was the worst one in a while. It was actually very hard to get out of bed. Usually, when I’m depressed, I could still force myself to do things. But yesterday was one of those really bad days. I was literally just lying there listening to music and just wanting to close my eyes even if it was only 3pm. I woke up at 1:30pm that day.
Yesterday I was to the point where I WANTED to go to work.. to get rid of the feeling of being useless and all. Not saying that at work I am not useless.. but at least there I am doing something .. regardless if it is done well or not..
So yeah, I don’t really know what else to say other than I am just so depressed I wish I could cry but I couldn’t because I am not sad. Okay, maybe I am a bit sad for myself. Because it feels as though no matter how good things get this is how I would feel all the time and it’s not a very good feeling to be depressed all the time. I don’t know what to do. And it kind of scares me. Because I have spent few hours feeling that I would eventually kill myself in the future. Don’t know when or how. But I just kind of fear for myself that I would do something in the future. When I am a couple of years older, when I would put an end to myself.
A part of why I feel that way is because it is as if I have no reason to live anymore now. I am not needed. I always somehow push my friends away. I never do anything right. I always disappoint family and friends. I draw but that’s all I can do, and I don’t even do it well. I code for a living. I don’t even want to do it. Everyday I feel like I am dying. Even now, I’m not even coding. Just doing a bunch of useless tasks like a fucking intern. People encourage me and say I’m not useless and that i’m doing well.. but somehow I just don’t believe it? Inside, I am just lonely, sad, depressed, always longing, and anxious… It’s always a storm in my brain and I don’t know how to stop it. I always sleep so much because I am always so sad. I forgot what it feels like to be ‘happy.’ To be satisfied with something. To feel like I am ‘enough.’ I really don’t know what it feels like anymore. It’s the same feeling when I think about my eyesight. I’ve been wearing glasses for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what it feels like for a normal person to see. I don’t know what it’s like to be happy. I don’t know what joy feels like.
It is now mid-August. It’s insane how close I am to ending my work here. None of them now about it until now, so I’m still really trying to figure out how to break the bad news once it has to come.. It’s getting closer and close and I don’t know what to do about it, really. I’ve just been trying to avoid things.
Although, leaving will be bitter sweet. There are some moments when I love working there.. MOST times though.. I just wish I could leave as soon as possible. I am just very tired and sick of everything. I just want to run away. Run far far away and never come back. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to be remembered. I don’t want to have existed at all. There is no point in doing any of this.
Welp, it’s nearly 1 AM now and I got work tomorrow. To be honest I’m kind of glad I have work.. well, yeah at the same time I wish there wasn’t work. But it’s like same old same old. But at least it’s not rock bottom. Sigh. I don’t know. I just feel very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone because I don’t want to be with other people. I just don’t understand myself.