depression · random thoughts

People disappoint me, I disappoint people, I disappoint myself.

So I spent the last six hours depressed and just thinking about how I hate everybody, and how everybody probably does not hate my but Ibelieve that they hate me anyway, and how much i hate myself.

So basically my parents are dicks. they always try to talk about what’s good about me but like that’s exactly what’s not good about me because whatever is good about me is not real. like this job i am having, which i wont have anymore in a couple of months but i dont care because i dont want to have a job because its kinda driving me nuts and i wanna kill myself. And i have this fucking fear that i wont be able to get a fucking job again because im such a fucking useles piece of shit and i am no good for anything.

People disappoint me. Other than how my parents disappoint me, i am remembering the time when i spent $180 on a therapist for a month with this therapist who is fucking judgemental now that i think about it. i concluded that i cant raelly have a therapist, at least not a judgemental one, because i tend to just hide what i really want to say/feel and i never get to the core of my problem. which is that i am messed up. i always appear as a very good girl, nothing wrong with me, strong on the outside i guess, i dont know. i am not strong on the outside but maybe thats because whats inside me is even worse, just much worse. suicidal kind of worse. every single fucking day of my fucking waking minute, i just think about how much better it would be if i were dead because i really have no purpose, no use in this world. i just want to disappear. the closest way i could do that is to isolate myself, stop talking to anyone, lock myself in the room, turn off the lights so no one would know i was there. i just want to disappear, like i nver existed in the first place. to be honest, i have to give kudos to myself for even being able to get out of the house. If i had the choice, i surely wouldnt get out  of the hosue at all. I always hate it when people tell me that i am evidently upset, or stressed. As like i show it on purpose. most times, i really dont try to show it. it just shows. and i hate myself for it, i know. but what the fuck am i supposed to do if my face is just like that effortlessly. I just feel so sick of myself.

Last night I dreamt that the blank space cover that i posted to youtube like 2 years ago, 90% of people hated it. and it kinda made me feel shitty but at the same time i was like trying to make myself feel better about it but it kinda didnt work. still feel shitty in that dream. still feel shitty now. Tbh i feel that it came from me, because i feel that my playing of blank space is kinda shitty.

I tried this indian restaurant and it sucked, a waste of $20.

I started being depressed at like 9 pm or something then i tried to find omsething to do but i dont like any movies,eerything isnot interesting to me and like no videos are instersting and nothign iterst me so i played the guitar and ukulele for a coupleo f hrs singing ts songs bc nobody is here in the basement w me so i can play as loud as i canat 11pm . i am so fucking lonely. im startigt to realyl think that i dont need anythng external to entertain myseklf , what makes me less sad/depressed is being able to do things to up my skills. like drawing/music. im not particulalrly good at them but it’s somethingt o keep me away from suicide. .i honestly dont know what would happen to me if i didnt have hobbies. because nothing interests me / i cant pay attention to anything anymore. i just really feel like dying. the only thing i look forward to is being able to draw/play music but even so i get tired and end up never doing them.

i disapoint mysekf.

 

i just had a sleeping pill so i feel like dying now. hopefuly nobody fucks with me in the morning with mysleep bc i keep waking up because people upstairs keeps fucking MOVING FURNITURES

 

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depression

Weekend Depression, forgetting what it’s like to be happy

Not only do I get depressed on the weekdays because of work.. I often get severely depressed on the weekends as well. For no reason other than feeling utterly useless. Yesterday was the worst one in a while. It was actually very hard to get out of bed. Usually, when I’m depressed, I could still force myself to do things. But yesterday was one of those really bad days. I was literally just lying there listening to music and just wanting to close my eyes even if it was only 3pm. I woke up at 1:30pm that day.

Yesterday I was to the point where I WANTED to go to work.. to get rid of the feeling of being useless and all. Not saying that at work I am not useless.. but at least there I am doing something .. regardless if it is done well or not..

So yeah, I don’t really know what else to say other than I am just so depressed I wish I could cry but I couldn’t because I am not sad. Okay, maybe I am a bit sad for myself. Because it feels as though no matter how good things get this is how I would feel all the time and it’s not a very good feeling to be depressed all the time. I don’t know what to do. And it kind of scares me. Because I have spent few hours feeling that I would eventually kill myself in the future. Don’t know when or how. But I just kind of fear for myself that I would do something in the future. When I am a couple of years older, when I would put an end to myself.

A part of why I feel that way is because it is as if I have no reason to live anymore now. I am not needed. I always somehow push my friends away. I never do anything right. I always disappoint family and friends. I draw but that’s all I can do, and I don’t even do it well. I code for a living. I don’t even want to do it. Everyday I feel like I am dying. Even now, I’m not even coding. Just doing a bunch of useless tasks like a fucking intern. People encourage me and say I’m not useless and that i’m doing well.. but somehow I just don’t believe it? Inside, I am just lonely, sad, depressed, always longing, and anxious… It’s always a storm in my brain and I don’t know how to stop it. I always sleep so much because I am always so sad. I forgot what it feels like to be ‘happy.’ To be satisfied with something. To feel like I am ‘enough.’ I really don’t know what it feels like anymore. It’s the same feeling when I think about my eyesight. I’ve been wearing glasses for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what it feels like for a normal person to see. I don’t know what it’s like to be happy. I don’t know what joy feels like.

It is now mid-August. It’s insane how close I am to ending my work here. None of them now about it until now, so I’m still really trying to figure out how to break the bad news once it has to come.. It’s getting closer and close and I don’t know what to do about it, really. I’ve just been trying to avoid things.

Although, leaving will be bitter sweet. There are some moments when I love working there.. MOST times though.. I just wish I could leave as soon as possible. I am just very tired and sick of everything. I just want to run away. Run far far away and never come back. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to be remembered. I don’t want to have existed at all. There is no point in doing any of this.

Welp, it’s nearly 1 AM now and I got work tomorrow. To be honest I’m kind of glad I have work.. well, yeah at the same time I wish there wasn’t work. But it’s like same old same old. But at least it’s not rock bottom. Sigh. I don’t know. I just feel very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone because I don’t want to be with other people. I just don’t understand myself.

depression · random thoughts · suicide

End of week 17. Snapping, suicide, losing interest in life

so yesterday i snapped because i was angry. I was angry because my friend whom i am mad at didnt take responsibility for a certain action. But being the bitch that i am, of course i dont tell her that. And its not her fault either actually. I just really like the satisfaction that somebody had to take responsibility for me lol, i am a dik. So i snapped, i pressed a bunch o keys on her keyboard, and she got mad at me bc she thinks it will break and then i took a long walk, probably nearly 3 hours. I walked to the metro, to the park, accross the road where there are a lotta car brands, the park again, watched a bunch of people play basketball and tennis, sat on the park benches, punched a bunch of benches because i was still angry, punched some walls, sang sad songs, walked around safeway, discovered many cool places, came back home at 10:30pm. Then i told hwr if the keyboard happens to break, which i doubt, because ive smashed many keyboards in the past and they dont break by key smashing, and she said if u wanna replace it go ahead, im like well lol. I guess i shoulda expected that response. She doesnt know how to handle others sadness i guess. Well, particularly, my sadness because nobody can handle it so i dont blame her anyways. One time when i was on a mental break down she told me to keep thinking of myself as a loser and kill myself . Ok maybe she didnt tell me to kill myself but i felt that way. I am such a fucking loser.

Anyway im kinda pissed at her, even tho i probably shouldnt be. I am just a complicated bitch and i hate myself. So i spent the rest of the night swallowing anxiety pills bc i ran out of sleeping pills so i need to sleep help and crying because suddenly felt how alone i am, that i inherently am unable to accept anybody in my life. The only friend I have in indo wont reply my texts, the one friend i have accessible, i kinda threw her away. For some reason whenever i throw people away i always feel good at a short term.. because people have weaknesses and i hate weaknesses somehow. Of course people are not perfect, but my fucking brain will always try to amgnify the bad things, making it so that kicking people out of my life much easier.. but in the long run it makes me very lonely. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

that night i contacted 741741, crying, because i really felt like I wanted to kill myself this weekend. Because it had just dawned on me that i am extremely useless and i dont deserve anything, and whenever i am in contact with another person i always end up ruining everything and hurting them. I just really want to not participate in life at all. I just like to observe in silence, with no intentions. I just want to stop existing, i want to be forgotten. I never asked for life,i want to die. I dont deserve anything good at all.

i just feel so hurt a lot because a lot of people think that I am simply smart, can do several things without trying. In fact, for everything that i do, is all done by hard work. But all they say is that i am ‘talented’ or ‘lucky.’ Of course, i owe a lot to being lucky. But sometimes i’d like people to realize that nobody did some magic on me to make me who i am. I can do things because ive sacrificed a lot to achieve what i want. Things i sacrifice include friends and family. In the end, i am very lonely. My piano and drawing skills is literally all i have to keep me company. Theyre not necessarily the best company though. In fact, they give me a lot of depression. But its the kind of depression that I am addicted to, i keep coming back for more.

ive realized that having a working life now has made me so much more bland as a person. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. When i was in college, i was always fired up with new ideas… but now i dont. When i see apps in the app store, i dont get inspired at all. It’s just meh. I also used to be very engaged in financial knowledge, and books,.. but not anymore. I just feel empty. Ive forgotten how it feels like to feel ecstatic about something. Now, even piano and drawing gives me an average level of excitement. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Usually the ecstatic feeling i am talking about is that feeling that you get for a couple of days until you eventually feel normal aboit life again. But still, i just miss that excitement because its what made me feel alive on some days, but now i just dont feel it anymore. All thats in my mind is just my boring work and nothing else.

i still wish death to come upon me. Sometimes i think of why good people had to die too soon. Like robin williams, christina grimmie, and chester bennington. I shouldve been the one to die, not them. If i were to die, nothing would change anyway.

depression · fear and anxiety

Trouble eating

I think I’ve gone to a point where I am so anxious that I cannot eat or drink.

This morning I woke up with a growling stomach and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Note, I’ve been sleeping literally all the time now because I am so depressed and I cannot do anything literally. Even drawing doesn’t give me as much joy. I even got the wacom mobile studio and I still feel like shit.

So when I woke up, i decided to try to eat something. But I didn’t even finish it. Then at work I tried to drink something but I end up always spitting them out.. Like if I try to swallow the drink I feel like I’m drowning or something. And all in all I’m just very anxious to the point where I starve myself.

But today my coworkers and I went for kebab, which is really good. I was worried that I wouldn’t me able to eat but I ate anyway because starving myself for days brought up an appetite.

Although, tomorrow is Friday and I think it should be a relaxing one. I hope so. I’m going to come to the office a bit later because there’s nothing really heavy that I need to do. So, yeah.

depression

Jealous

I think I know why I am depressed today. I am jealous of other’s people’s lives.

In the morning I was watching Illya Kuvhinov, who showcased this really cool fan video he made. Then I was looking at Ross Tran, artgerm, sakimichan, and many other instagram artists.. I am so jealous that they can live their lives doing what they love. I on the other hand, am trying so hard to get out of the life I don’t want. Even so, even if I get out of this life, there is not guarantee that I’ll feel better than this.

Maybe I’m just always sad, and always looking for more that no matter what the circumstances, I will always be depressed. And looking for something else.

And the thought that I will never be satisfied with myself terrifies me.