depression

Weekend Depression, forgetting what it’s like to be happy

Not only do I get depressed on the weekdays because of work.. I often get severely depressed on the weekends as well. For no reason other than feeling utterly useless. Yesterday was the worst one in a while. It was actually very hard to get out of bed. Usually, when I’m depressed, I could still force myself to do things. But yesterday was one of those really bad days. I was literally just lying there listening to music and just wanting to close my eyes even if it was only 3pm. I woke up at 1:30pm that day.

Yesterday I was to the point where I WANTED to go to work.. to get rid of the feeling of being useless and all. Not saying that at work I am not useless.. but at least there I am doing something .. regardless if it is done well or not..

So yeah, I don’t really know what else to say other than I am just so depressed I wish I could cry but I couldn’t because I am not sad. Okay, maybe I am a bit sad for myself. Because it feels as though no matter how good things get this is how I would feel all the time and it’s not a very good feeling to be depressed all the time. I don’t know what to do. And it kind of scares me. Because I have spent few hours feeling that I would eventually kill myself in the future. Don’t know when or how. But I just kind of fear for myself that I would do something in the future. When I am a couple of years older, when I would put an end to myself.

A part of why I feel that way is because it is as if I have no reason to live anymore now. I am not needed. I always somehow push my friends away. I never do anything right. I always disappoint family and friends. I draw but that’s all I can do, and I don’t even do it well. I code for a living. I don’t even want to do it. Everyday I feel like I am dying. Even now, I’m not even coding. Just doing a bunch of useless tasks like a fucking intern. People encourage me and say I’m not useless and that i’m doing well.. but somehow I just don’t believe it? Inside, I am just lonely, sad, depressed, always longing, and anxious… It’s always a storm in my brain and I don’t know how to stop it. I always sleep so much because I am always so sad. I forgot what it feels like to be ‘happy.’ To be satisfied with something. To feel like I am ‘enough.’ I really don’t know what it feels like anymore. It’s the same feeling when I think about my eyesight. I’ve been wearing glasses for as long as I can remember. I don’t know what it feels like for a normal person to see. I don’t know what it’s like to be happy. I don’t know what joy feels like.

It is now mid-August. It’s insane how close I am to ending my work here. None of them now about it until now, so I’m still really trying to figure out how to break the bad news once it has to come.. It’s getting closer and close and I don’t know what to do about it, really. I’ve just been trying to avoid things.

Although, leaving will be bitter sweet. There are some moments when I love working there.. MOST times though.. I just wish I could leave as soon as possible. I am just very tired and sick of everything. I just want to run away. Run far far away and never come back. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to be remembered. I don’t want to have existed at all. There is no point in doing any of this.

Welp, it’s nearly 1 AM now and I got work tomorrow. To be honest I’m kind of glad I have work.. well, yeah at the same time I wish there wasn’t work. But it’s like same old same old. But at least it’s not rock bottom. Sigh. I don’t know. I just feel very lonely but at the same time I want to be alone because I don’t want to be with other people. I just don’t understand myself.

depression · random thoughts · suicide

End of week 17. Snapping, suicide, losing interest in life

so yesterday i snapped because i was angry. I was angry because my friend whom i am mad at didnt take responsibility for a certain action. But being the bitch that i am, of course i dont tell her that. And its not her fault either actually. I just really like the satisfaction that somebody had to take responsibility for me lol, i am a dik. So i snapped, i pressed a bunch o keys on her keyboard, and she got mad at me bc she thinks it will break and then i took a long walk, probably nearly 3 hours. I walked to the metro, to the park, accross the road where there are a lotta car brands, the park again, watched a bunch of people play basketball and tennis, sat on the park benches, punched a bunch of benches because i was still angry, punched some walls, sang sad songs, walked around safeway, discovered many cool places, came back home at 10:30pm. Then i told hwr if the keyboard happens to break, which i doubt, because ive smashed many keyboards in the past and they dont break by key smashing, and she said if u wanna replace it go ahead, im like well lol. I guess i shoulda expected that response. She doesnt know how to handle others sadness i guess. Well, particularly, my sadness because nobody can handle it so i dont blame her anyways. One time when i was on a mental break down she told me to keep thinking of myself as a loser and kill myself . Ok maybe she didnt tell me to kill myself but i felt that way. I am such a fucking loser.

Anyway im kinda pissed at her, even tho i probably shouldnt be. I am just a complicated bitch and i hate myself. So i spent the rest of the night swallowing anxiety pills bc i ran out of sleeping pills so i need to sleep help and crying because suddenly felt how alone i am, that i inherently am unable to accept anybody in my life. The only friend I have in indo wont reply my texts, the one friend i have accessible, i kinda threw her away. For some reason whenever i throw people away i always feel good at a short term.. because people have weaknesses and i hate weaknesses somehow. Of course people are not perfect, but my fucking brain will always try to amgnify the bad things, making it so that kicking people out of my life much easier.. but in the long run it makes me very lonely. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

that night i contacted 741741, crying, because i really felt like I wanted to kill myself this weekend. Because it had just dawned on me that i am extremely useless and i dont deserve anything, and whenever i am in contact with another person i always end up ruining everything and hurting them. I just really want to not participate in life at all. I just like to observe in silence, with no intentions. I just want to stop existing, i want to be forgotten. I never asked for life,i want to die. I dont deserve anything good at all.

i just feel so hurt a lot because a lot of people think that I am simply smart, can do several things without trying. In fact, for everything that i do, is all done by hard work. But all they say is that i am ‘talented’ or ‘lucky.’ Of course, i owe a lot to being lucky. But sometimes i’d like people to realize that nobody did some magic on me to make me who i am. I can do things because ive sacrificed a lot to achieve what i want. Things i sacrifice include friends and family. In the end, i am very lonely. My piano and drawing skills is literally all i have to keep me company. Theyre not necessarily the best company though. In fact, they give me a lot of depression. But its the kind of depression that I am addicted to, i keep coming back for more.

ive realized that having a working life now has made me so much more bland as a person. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. When i was in college, i was always fired up with new ideas… but now i dont. When i see apps in the app store, i dont get inspired at all. It’s just meh. I also used to be very engaged in financial knowledge, and books,.. but not anymore. I just feel empty. Ive forgotten how it feels like to feel ecstatic about something. Now, even piano and drawing gives me an average level of excitement. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Usually the ecstatic feeling i am talking about is that feeling that you get for a couple of days until you eventually feel normal aboit life again. But still, i just miss that excitement because its what made me feel alive on some days, but now i just dont feel it anymore. All thats in my mind is just my boring work and nothing else.

i still wish death to come upon me. Sometimes i think of why good people had to die too soon. Like robin williams, christina grimmie, and chester bennington. I shouldve been the one to die, not them. If i were to die, nothing would change anyway.

depression · fear and anxiety

Trouble eating

I think I’ve gone to a point where I am so anxious that I cannot eat or drink.

This morning I woke up with a growling stomach and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Note, I’ve been sleeping literally all the time now because I am so depressed and I cannot do anything literally. Even drawing doesn’t give me as much joy. I even got the wacom mobile studio and I still feel like shit.

So when I woke up, i decided to try to eat something. But I didn’t even finish it. Then at work I tried to drink something but I end up always spitting them out.. Like if I try to swallow the drink I feel like I’m drowning or something. And all in all I’m just very anxious to the point where I starve myself.

But today my coworkers and I went for kebab, which is really good. I was worried that I wouldn’t me able to eat but I ate anyway because starving myself for days brought up an appetite.

Although, tomorrow is Friday and I think it should be a relaxing one. I hope so. I’m going to come to the office a bit later because there’s nothing really heavy that I need to do. So, yeah.

depression

Jealous

I think I know why I am depressed today. I am jealous of other’s people’s lives.

In the morning I was watching Illya Kuvhinov, who showcased this really cool fan video he made. Then I was looking at Ross Tran, artgerm, sakimichan, and many other instagram artists.. I am so jealous that they can live their lives doing what they love. I on the other hand, am trying so hard to get out of the life I don’t want. Even so, even if I get out of this life, there is not guarantee that I’ll feel better than this.

Maybe I’m just always sad, and always looking for more that no matter what the circumstances, I will always be depressed. And looking for something else.

And the thought that I will never be satisfied with myself terrifies me.

depression

Sad for no reason

I feel sad even when I’m happy. It’s that simple.

I got back home from Safeway. Yet again, buying food. Because I binge eat. A lot. This time I bought chips. I haven’t bought chips in a long time. I used to have chips all the time and I got fat for it. Now I buy a lot of pizza. but i think i’m going to stop because I’m getting sick of pizza.

Now, I am just lying down in sadness. I don’t know why I am sad. Probably because I just don’t want to go to work tomorrow. Or that I am just depressed, and this is a normal thing. You’d think that after nearly 2 years, oh actually, 3 years, of being depressed everyday, I’d learn when I am depressed and how to get out of it. Actually, hold up. It’s been three fucking years? Shit. I remember that before summer 2014, I was never¬†that sad in anything. I’m usually able to pick myself back up. Or shove lemons back in life’s eyes. But ever since that summer.. I lost it. In a way, being depressed got me back to drawing. So that was good. But it seems that as the years go by, my depression just gets worse and worse everyday. Nobody understands it. I was a different person after that summer. Completely different. People think that it was just stress or something that you can get over with. But it’s more than that.

I was always sort of an emo teenager. Sometimes I get depressed but never to the point where I can’t get out of bed. I never showed much emotion. I never showed fear, worry, or nerves. I never came to terms with how I was emotionally. I never admitted of how shy I was. Never admitted that I get jealous.I rarely cried.¬†Basically I hid myself from anything human and convinced myself that it is how it’s supposed to be. I bottled myself up and never talked about my opinions because if I did, my family would judge the fuck out of me and tell me I am a useless piece of shit. So, I had to bottle things up as best as I could.

On the summer of 2014, I got kicked out of housing and basically had to be homeless. I didn’t have family with me since it was a foreign country and had to stay over at a friend’s house. But that event made me snap. And since then I am always overwhelmed with emotions. Sadness, anger, shyness, jealousy.. but mostly sadness. Everything that I had felt before came back to me 5 times stronger. And I don’t know what to do.

Now I am just lying here on the bed. I feel sad, but I can’t cry because I had cried a lot last week because I was feeling homesick. I thought I was sad because I felt homesick. But right now I’m not homesick. But I am still sad. Help.