depression · drawing · random thoughts

Saturday drawing success, binge watching youtube, and depression

So today I managed to actually finish a drawing.. and I am so happy about it. The drawing wasn’t amazing but more than anything, I was focusing on finishing. Nothing more nothing less. I posted the drawing on Instagram and trying not to worry so much about the number of likes or exposure. Of course, I always wished that I could have done better but I am okay enough by the fact that something is done. I was struggling a bit to finish it but I am glad I finished.

Today I was binge watching Youtube.. mainly on this Youtuber called Jacob cruikshank. I really like how he formats his videos and tbh I like how he and his brother, Lucas cruikshank, presents their content. They all seem like theyre drunk when doing their vids, but they’re just very creative and funny.

I talked to my dad today. I miss my family so much. But I am just so sad how my dad just always talks about bad things that are out of my control. Like my brother and sister. I mean they kind of are within my control. But I am working on it. And it’s not very enjoyable to be under that much pressure all the time.

It’s 2AM now. I’m probably going to eat another cup of ice cream. My head feels like it’s floating but I can’t sleep. Probably because my stomach is filled with nothing but ice cream tonight.

Also I cannot get this image of a bug in the bath room out of my head. Fuck.

depression · drawing · random thoughts

I miss drawing, but I can’t draw well, and I hate myself for it, hating having a boss, and attempting to tutor

After a while, I’ve come to make myself believe that I am not a worthy artist anymore. I mean, it’s probably because I haven’t put that much effort into drawing anymore. Mostly because I am too tired to do it lately.

Whenever I look at my old art, they always look so much better than I can do right now. And it makes me sad. I’m not sure I can compare my current self to my old self because well, I remembered when I did the ‘good’ art, I was feeling great about myself.. But now I just hate myself all the time. And because of that I can’t draw well. And because of that, I hate myself.. and the cycle just goes on.

But then this brings me to another point.. If I cannot draw.. and I hate being a software developer (like I FUCKING hate it..), then what am I? Maybe I love drawing because of the freedom.. I remember when I was in highschool, I stopped my love to draw because somebody was telling me what to draw.. and somebody had to judge me for it. I mean you get that on a daily basis with art but the things that I put forward on Instagram for example, it’s my own shots.. I don’t have to think about somebody else liking it.. if I want to post it, I will. And I think this is why I hate being a software developer.. well.. i dont hate being a software developer.. i just hate having to wait for somebody to call the shots. i like calling my own shots.

I don’t know. Maybe it stems from my hate towards people. or it’s just that it’s hard for me to find a person I can harmonize with while working. to be honest, all my life, i cannot find anyone i am very comfortable working with 100%. because nobody in this life has as much dedication as i am when it comes to working. and actually, that is not necessarily a good thing because i tend to just forget everything in life and work. this includes health, family, friends, and anything else you can think of. so obviously nobody is as low as i am. and because i expect highly of people as i expect highly of myself.. i end up never enjoying anyone’s company except my own..

and that’s probably why drawing has stuck with me for the longest time. nobody was there to try to call any shots for me. i do it myself. but .. this is not a good thing is it? sigh. i hate it when people tell me what to do. fuck.

i’ve recently applied to be a tutor on chegg.com. And they’ll get back to my application in a week. I mean i like being a tutor. I like helping people but also i like being the one to call the shots. Essentially.. I like being a learner as well. because there is nobody to ‘command’ you what to learn. you learn out of your own curiosity.

I also applied to be a tutor on tutor.com but the exams make me lazy, man.

I might go back to value investing. i need to study the udemy course.