I spent today working on drawings. So that’s nearly 4 days spent on drawing. To be honest, I haven’t felt this fulfilled in a very very long time. I’m being super productive and I am so proud of myself. Even though the drawings are not perfect, but I am glad that I am doing something.

And ‘doing something’ is enough.

drawing · Moments when I'm slightly less depressed

Great weekend

I haven’t felt this great in a long time.

I basically spent yesterday and today drawing and drawing. I was practicing figure drawings, I was doing photo studies, I was doing wireframe studies, I was drawing wonder woman, most importantly, I was getting the fuck back on my feet.  Indeed I have a lot to learn and a lot of things to catch up to. I need to be patient and trust the process. At times, of course, drawing brings up new kinds of depression. But those are the ones that I do not mind having because they are completely worth it.

I am glad I made the $3,000 purchase for a mobile studio pro.. Now i can do digital art while a movie plays. Before, it’s hard for me to do that with a tablet because that would mean i have to open photoshop side by side with the video. Now I don’t have to do that anymore!!! I can get into things a bit more deeper than I could ever do with just a sketchbook đŸ˜€

Ugh I feel great.. To make it better, tomorrow I’m working from home. And there’s really not much I can work on tomorrow actually. Since my boss is ooo and there are some information I need from him to move forward with my part.. so I can’t do anything until that happens. I just need to calm down! Phew.

I’m probably going to start trying doing youtube again.

drawing · random thoughts

New depression

Today was not a bad day, I guess you can say.

I spent around 5 hours playing with my sister on club penguin, and it was really fun. Then I spent the rest of the day drawing and I am tired right now and I feel like I can sleep today because I am tired, and not because I am depressed.

However, just like how it was before, since I started drawing again I start feeling the stress & depression that comes with drawing. Don’t get me wrong, I am having fun. It’s just that the stress that I cannot get anything right, and I seem to not be progressing.. is back. Probably better than ever right now.

I keep looking at the drawings I’ve made a while ago. And they are so much better than what I can do now tbh. Although to be fair the drawings that looked good were done because I was feeling relaxed, and not stressed out like I am right now. Sigh.

I really need to find a way to calm down.

depression · drawing · random thoughts

Saturday drawing success, binge watching youtube, and depression

So today I managed to actually finish a drawing.. and I am so happy about it. The drawing wasn’t amazing but more than anything, I was focusing on finishing. Nothing more nothing less. I posted the drawing on Instagram and trying not to worry so much about the number of likes or exposure. Of course, I always wished that I could have done better but I am okay enough by the fact that something is done. I was struggling a bit to finish it but I am glad I finished.

Today I was binge watching Youtube.. mainly on this Youtuber called Jacob cruikshank. I really like how he formats his videos and tbh I like how he and his brother, Lucas cruikshank, presents their content. They all seem like theyre drunk when doing their vids, but they’re just very creative and funny.

I talked to my dad today. I miss my family so much. But I am just so sad how my dad just always talks about bad things that are out of my control. Like my brother and sister. I mean they kind of are within my control. But I am working on it. And it’s not very enjoyable to be under that much pressure all the time.

It’s 2AM now. I’m probably going to eat another cup of ice cream. My head feels like it’s floating but I can’t sleep. Probably because my stomach is filled with nothing but ice cream tonight.

Also I cannot get this image of a bug in the bath room out of my head. Fuck.

depression · drawing · random thoughts

I miss drawing, but I can’t draw well, and I hate myself for it, hating having a boss, and attempting to tutor

After a while, I’ve come to make myself believe that I am not a worthy artist anymore. I mean, it’s probably because I haven’t put that much effort into drawing anymore. Mostly because I am too tired to do it lately.

Whenever I look at my old art, they always look so much better than I can do right now. And it makes me sad. I’m not sure I can compare my current self to my old self because well, I remembered when I did the ‘good’ art, I was feeling great about myself.. But now I just hate myself all the time. And because of that I can’t draw well. And because of that, I hate myself.. and the cycle just goes on.

But then this brings me to another point.. If I cannot draw.. and I hate being a software developer (like I FUCKING hate it..), then what am I? Maybe I love drawing because of the freedom.. I remember when I was in highschool, I stopped my love to draw because somebody was telling me what to draw.. and somebody had to judge me for it. I mean you get that on a daily basis with art but the things that I put forward on Instagram for example, it’s my own shots.. I don’t have to think about somebody else liking it.. if I want to post it, I will. And I think this is why I hate being a software developer.. well.. i dont hate being a software developer.. i just hate having to wait for somebody to call the shots. i like calling my own shots.

I don’t know. Maybe it stems from my hate towards people. or it’s just that it’s hard for me to find a person I can harmonize with while working. to be honest, all my life, i cannot find anyone i am very comfortable working with 100%. because nobody in this life has as much dedication as i am when it comes to working. and actually, that is not necessarily a good thing because i tend to just forget everything in life and work. this includes health, family, friends, and anything else you can think of. so obviously nobody is as low as i am. and because i expect highly of people as i expect highly of myself.. i end up never enjoying anyone’s company except my own..

and that’s probably why drawing has stuck with me for the longest time. nobody was there to try to call any shots for me. i do it myself. but .. this is not a good thing is it? sigh. i hate it when people tell me what to do. fuck.

i’ve recently applied to be a tutor on chegg.com. And they’ll get back to my application in a week. I mean i like being a tutor. I like helping people but also i like being the one to call the shots. Essentially.. I like being a learner as well. because there is nobody to ‘command’ you what to learn. you learn out of your own curiosity.

I also applied to be a tutor on tutor.com but the exams make me lazy, man.

I might go back to value investing. i need to study the udemy course.