I was so extremely panicky today. Right now it’s 10:24PM and I am still having a panic attack. I was panicky from 8:30AM when my laptop didn’t want to turn on but I had a meeting. Then I was panicky because I needed to complete something by that day other wise I’m going to have a bad time tomorrow. It is done, the task is done but I am still so completely fucking worried all the time plus I mistakenly uploaded some sensitive data that i rolled back but then github still sucks in a way that it still could point to rolled back commits and I am so fucking aangry and Ive been so panicky just hoping that nobody would notice ,i mean if it comes to a point where somebody notices it i can just say it doesnt appear in the history, which it doesnt, which is good but then github sucks.
i was having panick attacks the whole day today and i stayed in the bathroom probably for a total of 30 minutes because i am so anxious today and tomorrow i have like 4 meetings in total which are like 1 hour each and i am going to go nuts really.
And it’s a lot because I am always afraid theyre going to expect so much from me and i dont deliver and things are going to go bad and then they yell at me and then i curl up in a ball and i get so nervous when i get home and then cry and wanna kill myself and then sleep but dont wanna wake up the next day but then i have to , so i do but then i meet the same people again the next day and the day after that and the day after that and all i wanna do is just to escape and be gone from the world and disappear as if i never existed.
I am so effing confused and day by day im just counting the days of when this thing will end. By september 1st or something like that i’m gonna have to tell them that i dont wanna work with them anymore because they expect me to tell them 45 days prior to contract end so since contract ends october 20, i have to tell them the bad news by sept 1 now heres the thing i dunno why i feel so bad about ending the contract because i really cannot wait for me to say bye bitches but like the people there are honestly so nice and i dont know how i can break it to them like thisits just that i hate the job like i hate being a cmputer scientist in general , i dont wanna code, i dnt wanna debug, i dnt wanna handle databases or any shit like that i just wanna stay home and keep drawing and improving my skills i dont give a fuck about coding. 😦
on the bright side since i bought an msp and havent been able to stop drawing.. today i wasnt planning to draw i was planning to take a break but i ended up practicing for 3-4 hours which is really nice.
my thoughts keep racing and im still having panic attacks and i dont know how to deal with them i am in fact very very veryvreyvervrey going to die right now
on the bright side i havent felt depressed in a while , maybe because the anxiety overshwdows everything i guess hahahahha i am sooooo anxious!!!! stop thinking!!!!!! 😦
i ran out of xanax and i wont get another bottle until wednesday so shaiodoasjdisadaoai i wanna die
my heart is still beating i dont kknow why but i really wanted to check my emails and to make sure that everything is ok and i am soooo oFUCKING
I think I’ve gone to a point where I am so anxious that I cannot eat or drink.
This morning I woke up with a growling stomach and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Note, I’ve been sleeping literally all the time now because I am so depressed and I cannot do anything literally. Even drawing doesn’t give me as much joy. I even got the wacom mobile studio and I still feel like shit.
So when I woke up, i decided to try to eat something. But I didn’t even finish it. Then at work I tried to drink something but I end up always spitting them out.. Like if I try to swallow the drink I feel like I’m drowning or something. And all in all I’m just very anxious to the point where I starve myself.
But today my coworkers and I went for kebab, which is really good. I was worried that I wouldn’t me able to eat but I ate anyway because starving myself for days brought up an appetite.
Although, tomorrow is Friday and I think it should be a relaxing one. I hope so. I’m going to come to the office a bit later because there’s nothing really heavy that I need to do. So, yeah.
On the weekends, I somehow always get anxiety dreams.
Yesterday night, I dreamt that I lost a $500 sofa that I bought and then the seller of that sofa wanted it back but I lost the fucking sofa so I got stressed out about losing a $500 sofa.
Last night, I was also having an anxiety dream. Although I couldn’t remember what it was.
Last Sunday night I had an anxiety dream about a task that I had to do for my job. The dream filled me with a lot of crazy information about the task that I was doing and it was kinda driving me crazy. It made me so anxious to the point where while the dream thoughts were happening, I was conscious, trying to sleep. I kept repeating to myself, “this is not real, this is not real.” I presume that this was because it was Sunday night and I worry about going to work the next day.
Tonight is Sunday night. I don’t know if I am brave enough to sleep.
Today is Monday and of course, it is a work day so I have to go to work. While I was sleeping, I kept dreaming anout weird scenarios and things that needs to be thought about and I did not have a peaceful sleep because of thay. My head hurts because of the too many thoughts.
Fast forward to now. I am currently at work in the wellness room. My head is still hurting and I just took some aspirin. It’s still hurting like hell.. also I’m feeling sleepy now because of the aspirin.. actually, not sure if it is because of the aspirin or it’s just because I am sleepy.
Most of my thoughts right now comprises of time anxiety.
I reserved this wellness room from 12:30pm-1pm but all the while that I am here, my thoughts is just like: 1pm… 1pm…. 1pm… i gotta make sure ai leave by 1pm…
Same goes for other things like meetings. I have a meeting today at 3:30pm but all the seconds prior to that, I am just thinking 3:30pm… 3:30pm… gotta be there by 3:30pm…
Not only that, i keep worrying how I would come off on those meetings.. Will I be prepared enough? I gotta make sure I”‘m prepared enough. Will i be good enough..?
For the past week I’ve been looking for animes whose plot revolves around suicide. Out of my search, I love 2 animes about this: Koe No Katachi and Colorful. Koe No Katachi is about a boy who regretted bullying a deaf girl and the movie started out with him attempting to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Colorful is basically how a boy who attempted suicide realizes his life is worth living. I’m not good at explaining but it’s really good honestly. One line kept making me weep from that movie: “You are necessary to this world.”
Then I rewatched Inside Out. I cried for the last 30 minutes of that movie.
Crying for 1-2 hours today has made me realize that I need to come to terms with my sadness. Instead of trying to repress it with ‘being positive.’ In fact, that’s what I used to try to do when I began this blog.. If you read my posts from 2015, you can see how I was just an annoying positive, always-smiling asshole. With that, I want to list the things that is causing me sadness the most. Listed in order of importance.
- Homesickness. Today afternoon I got off talking with my sister and we were singing kpop songs for 3 hours over facebook video messenger and I am sad because on the weekdays that cannot happen because of the 11 hour difference. I miss home so much. And I don’t know the next chance of when I can visit home.
- I hate my job, so very much. I am dreading every single second I have to spend working for my company. 8 fucking ours of sitting on my butt in an office, doing a work I hate, working for people I don’t care about (even though they are nice), and having to work together with a co-worker that I absolutely cannot bear. The job itself is causing me anxiety and I am just killing myself every single day that I am there.
- I am stuck career-wise. I actually am not sure what career I want. Right now it’s art. Or mostly things in entertainment. Like to create things that people can enjoy. But due to points 1,2,3, I am not able to draw as much as I used to. Due to the anxiety, I cannot even enjoy art as much as I used to. So.. I hate computer science. I don’t enjoy drawing anymore.. what do I do? How can I start enjoying what I love again? 😦
- My brother. My brother has mild autism. He is 21 this year, but he does not function as well as a regular 21-year-old does. I don’t know what I can do about him. For so long, I’ve worried about him but I don’t know what steps I can take to help. I feel so helpless.
- If I come back to my family (to cure homesickness), I will hate it. As homesick as I am right now, one of the reasons that is holding me back from going home is that my extended family are all assholes and I do not look forward to seeing them ever.
- Emotional eating. Self-explanatory.
The things in this list are kind of like a domino effect. Like 1 probably causes 2, which causes 3. And because of the anxiety caused by 1,2, and 3, I am worrying about 4 and 5.
I’m not sure what to do anymore.