fear and anxiety

Too many thoughts

Today is Monday and of course, it is a work day so I have to go to work. While I was sleeping, I kept dreaming anout weird scenarios and things that needs to be thought about and I did not have a peaceful sleep because of thay. My head hurts because of the too many thoughts.

Fast forward to now. I am currently at work in the wellness room. My head is still hurting and I just took some aspirin. It’s still hurting like hell.. also I’m feeling sleepy now because of the aspirin.. actually, not sure if it is because of the aspirin or it’s just because I am sleepy. 

Most of my thoughts right now comprises of time anxiety. 

I reserved this wellness room from 12:30pm-1pm but all the while that I am here, my thoughts is just like: 1pm… 1pm…. 1pm… i gotta make sure ai leave by 1pm… 

Same goes for other things like meetings. I have a meeting today at 3:30pm but all the seconds prior to that, I am just thinking 3:30pm… 3:30pm… gotta be there by 3:30pm… 

Not only that, i keep worrying how I would come off on those meetings.. Will I be prepared enough? I gotta make sure I”‘m prepared enough. Will i be good enough..?

depression · fear and anxiety

Reasons why I am sad

For the past week I’ve been looking for animes whose plot revolves around suicide. Out of my search, I love 2 animes about this: Koe No Katachi and Colorful. Koe No Katachi is about a boy who regretted bullying a deaf girl and the movie started out with him attempting to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge. Colorful is basically how a boy who attempted suicide realizes his life is worth living. I’m not good at explaining but it’s really good honestly. One line kept making me weep from that movie: “You are necessary to this world.”

Then I rewatched Inside Out. I cried for the last 30 minutes of that movie.

Crying for 1-2 hours today has made me realize that I need to come to terms with my sadness. Instead of trying to repress it with ‘being positive.’ In fact, that’s what I used to try to do when I began this blog.. If you read my posts from 2015, you can see how I was just an annoying positive, always-smiling asshole. With that, I want to list the things that is causing me sadness the most. Listed in order of importance.

  1. Homesickness. Today afternoon I got off talking with my sister and we were singing kpop songs for 3 hours over facebook video messenger and I am sad because on the weekdays that cannot happen because of the 11 hour difference. I miss home so much. And I don’t know the next chance of when I can visit home.
  2. I hate my job, so very much. I am dreading every single second I have to spend working for my company. 8 fucking ours of sitting on my butt in an office, doing a work I hate, working for people I don’t care about (even though they are nice), and having to work together with a co-worker that I absolutely cannot bear. The job itself is causing me anxiety and I am just killing myself every single day that I am there.
  3. I am stuck career-wise. I actually am not sure what career I want. Right now it’s art. Or mostly things in entertainment. Like to create things that people can enjoy. But due to points 1,2,3, I am not able to draw as much as I used to. Due to the anxiety, I cannot even enjoy art as much as I used to. So.. I hate computer science. I don’t enjoy drawing anymore.. what do I do? How can I start enjoying what I love again? 😦
  4. My brother. My brother has mild autism. He is 21 this year, but he does not function as well as a regular 21-year-old does. I don’t know what I can do about him. For so long, I’ve worried about him but I don’t know what steps I can take to help. I feel so helpless.
  5. If I come back to my family (to cure homesickness), I will hate it. As homesick as I am right now, one of the reasons that is holding me back from going home is that my extended family are all assholes and I do not look forward to seeing them ever.
  6. Emotional eating. Self-explanatory.

The things in this list are kind of like a domino effect. Like 1 probably causes 2, which causes 3. And because of the anxiety caused by 1,2, and 3, I am worrying about 4 and 5.

I’m not sure what to do anymore.

depression · fear and anxiety · suicide

Week 9 End – Pizza, Guilt, Worries

It is now the end of week 9 and it is 12:11AM right now and I had ordered pizza. Although, I feel like a huge dick for not giving the pizza guy a tip even though he delivered in the rain. Well what am I supposed to do man they never asked for a tip before so I just assumed I didn’t need to. Plus I didn’t have cash on hand. Damn he was pissed. Oh well. Can’t do anything about it. Probably won’t do anything about it because I am a cheap-ass motherfucker.

Anyways, Fridays are always so quiet and I didn’t have anything to do.

I am now thinking a lot of bad things that may happen to me. I am getting worried sick for no good reason. And worried about the things I do not need to worry about, increasing my anxiety levels and making me more tired than I am supposed to. I just had 3 anxiety pills but it’s not working and I am just getting very sleepy and I am about to pass out.

Seriously, I need to start telling people not to give me any bad news because little do they know, it’s going to consume my days. I need to forget about it.

This week had been a slow week. I just found out that the contract technically ends October 20th. So that’s like 17 more weeks to go. I can do this. I can get through this.

I am just pissed that my co-worker, who doesn’t know how to do anything technical is basically taking up all the credit by saying ‘I’ instead of ‘we.’ That could also probably because I am a sensitive motherfucker. But call me sensitive all you want but I did most of the work while he just talked and talked like a fucking bitch and it’s kinda diving me nuts and I am going crazy and I am about to die. I mean tbh I die everyday mentally so it’s not a surprise anymore andddddasdudashdiashdsa

PLEASE LET ME ENJOY MY WEEKEND  😥

fear and anxiety

Waking up too early and anxiety

I hate these the most.

My day is starting earlier because I woke up too early today. I woke up at 6:30AM. Now it is 7:22AM. I was planning to come to work at 8:30AM.

Now I am spending the hour quite literally being anxious about going to work. And fuck this. I couldn’t go back to sleep when I woke up at 6:30AM.

Usually I don’t really mind waking up too early, because it means I could relax.. But just like what happened in Summer 2015 when I was working for TSI, the hours before work I spend just being anxious about going to work. Sigh.

Maybe I should just sleep later today. Ha, that’s something I’ve never said before. But still.. the hours before bed I mostly spend it being anxious about the next day. 😦

 

fear and anxiety · random thoughts

Alprazium, Great Minds, and my offline journal

I’ve basically been consuming this medication for a week now. It’s been causing me to sleep very quickly and my thoughts are shutting down. In other words, this is working. On most days anyway. Although there was one day where it didn’t really work to be honest. And it kinda sucked. But 6 days out of 7, it works.

But because I consume this at roughly 7PM everyday after eating, I’ve been sleeping very early everyday. Around 9PM or 10PM and wake up at 7:40AM. Well actually I have an alarm at 7:22AM, just so that I don’t feel like I hate my life when I get up at 7:40AM. So yeah. I’ve been sleeping too much I feel like. Doesn’t feel normal. But if I sleep at 12AM, which is the time when I usually sleep before the medication, I feel so depressed. I’m not sure. Maybe that’s because I didn’t have the medication. Maybe I’ll try that tomorrow.

A few days ago I got this book from The School of Life, called Great Minds, which basically talks about the greatest philosophers throughout history. I haven’t gotten around to reading it but I really want to.

I also might read my journal, which is this brown journal book that I bought around 4 years ago during freshman year of college, but until now I’ve never filled up the whole book. There’s some insightful things about my life in there from my own brain that I’ve now forgotten. I might read it sometime.