fear and anxiety · job

Week 13 Monday – All Day Panic Attacks

I was so extremely panicky today. Right now it’s 10:24PM and I am still having a panic attack. I was panicky from 8:30AM when my laptop didn’t want to turn on but I had a meeting. Then I was panicky because I needed to complete something by that day other wise I’m going to have a bad time tomorrow. It is done, the task is done but I am still so completely fucking worried all the time plus I mistakenly uploaded some sensitive data that i rolled back but then github still sucks in a way that it still could point to rolled back commits and I am so fucking aangry and Ive been so panicky just hoping that nobody would notice ,i mean if it comes to a point where somebody notices it i can just say it doesnt appear in the history, which it doesnt, which is good but then github sucks.

i was having panick attacks the whole day today and i stayed in the bathroom probably for a total of 30 minutes because i am so anxious today and tomorrow i have like 4 meetings in total which are like 1 hour each and i am going to go nuts really.

And it’s a lot because I am always afraid theyre going to expect so much from me and i dont deliver and things are going to go bad and then they yell at me and then i curl up in a ball and i get so nervous when i get home and then cry and wanna kill myself and then sleep but dont wanna wake up the next day but then i have to , so i do but then i meet the same people again the next day and the day after that and the day after that and all i wanna do is just to escape and be gone from the world and disappear as if i never existed.

I am so effing confused and day by day im just counting the days of when this thing will end. By september 1st or something like that i’m gonna have to tell them that i dont wanna work with them anymore because they expect me to tell them 45 days prior to contract end so since contract ends october 20, i have to tell them the bad news by sept 1 now heres the thing i dunno why i feel so bad about ending the contract because i really cannot wait for me to say bye bitches but like the people there are honestly so nice and i dont know how i can break it to them like thisits just that i hate the job like i hate being a cmputer scientist in general , i dont wanna code, i dnt wanna debug, i dnt wanna handle databases or any shit like that i just wanna stay home and keep drawing and improving my skills i dont give a fuck about coding. 😦

on the bright side since i bought an msp and havent been able to stop drawing.. today i wasnt planning to draw i was planning to take a break but i ended up practicing for 3-4 hours which is really nice.

my thoughts keep racing and im still having panic attacks and i dont know how to deal with them i am in fact very very veryvreyvervrey going to die right now

on the bright side i havent felt depressed in a while , maybe because the anxiety overshwdows everything i guess hahahahha i am sooooo anxious!!!! stop thinking!!!!!! 😦

i ran out of xanax and i wont get another bottle until wednesday so shaiodoasjdisadaoai i wanna die

my heart is still beating i dont kknow why but i really wanted to check my emails and to make sure that everything is ok and i am soooo oFUCKING

DEAD

RIGHT NOW

BREATHE

BREATHE

BTREATHE EAOSJDODSAJIDSAJIDAS

job

Week 12 Thursday – Tired, Again

I am tired. So tired. I went to work at 8 and went home at 5 today. I am exhausted. My drawing goals is to do 10-20 mins figure drawing a day and do 1 photo study.

But today I only managed to do figure drawing because I am so exhausted. So very exhausted. Tomorrow is Friday but I have so much work to do. T_T And I am kind of overwhelmed… but at the same time I believe I can handle it..

There will be meetings tomorrow as well and I am exhausted just thinking about it. It’s only 9:30PM right now but I am ready for bed already.. I might eat some fruits but yeah.

Forcing myself to draw after work I think is taking a bit of a toll for me because I just get so exhausted now. But I won’t stop drawing. At least I’d do some figure drawing. And that’s the minimum.

job

Week 11 Wednesday (Part 2) – Degraded

Today basically one of my bosses and the tester ganged up on me.

Well maybe ‘gang up’ is not the right word. It’s just they were mini-lecturing me about something that wasn’t even my idea. So basically we have these set of requirements of a certain file we would like to use. But le boss said we cannot trust it. So I was like.. um okay then what’s the point of the requirements document if we cannot trust it..? So she told me to think of validations. I was like, fine. But then I conversed with the tester and I told him I need to think of failing scenarios and he was like, no we must trust the requirements. Im like yes I agree, but the FUCKING boss said not to.

So today in the meeting the tester was like YEAH SO TRUST IT. And le boss was like YEAH TRUST IT. And i was like the fuck? Why is it suddenly backing me into a corner?

Also le boss didn’t seem to like the question I asked about the program that generates the file. I was just asking if it’s something that is currently being developed or has it  been developed and she was like NO WE DONT HAVE TO CAR EABOUT IT BECAUSE THE REQUIREMENTS ARE HERE but like I was just asking tho. I know the requirements is sufficient but why does it hurt that I am asking it…………? So after that she got the wrong impression that I do not think we can move forward without the actual file. And she gave me a mini-lecture on it saying that we don’t need the actual file. And im like what the fuk just happened.

So yeah. I don’t know how I got to the point where I feel like I hate working here. At first, I just hate the thing that I am doing, which is software. But now it’s literally the people here are starting to smell like shit.

Also did I mention that my boss gave me the wrong information on something and it’s like SO wrong that it’s confusing and im like why does it have to be like that but she’s like so adamant about it and turns out she’s fucking wrong about everything. !!!! SO FUCKING MAD!!!!!!!!!#JOCQOIJADIOJADSJIODASJOIDASJOIDA SJOIADJIO

Yet, I need to survive another 8 hours tomorrow.

I can’t even get excited over the mobile studio pro I just got. I walked from 6:30-9:30p to get this by forcing myself to excercise. sigh. I am in a new level of depression aren’t i. thigs just get worse and worse

job

Week 11 Wednesday – Losing confidence

Yesterday was shitty.

I didn’t write yesterday because by the end of the work day I was so fucking depressed that I slept from around 9pm. Woke up at 2am, then at 6am, then finally at 7am. What happened, you might ask? Well nothing, that bad actually. But it’s VERY bad because I think it’s very bad.

Apparently I was assigned a task I was unaware of. Unaware because they were very vague about it. My fault, I should’ve asked right? But then when I asked, the instructions are unclear and it changes from day to day and I am just fucking confused ??? Nothing was explained to me from day one. And the person who was supposed to get in touch with because he ‘needed my help’ did not get in touch with me so I was like okay maybe they want to work on something else right now?? I don’t know, maybe I am bad at understanding.

In the end, I feel like I’ve disappointed another person as well as myself. So I was depressed.

Actually I probably blew this out of proportion for myself because it’s not really a mistake.. just a misunderstanding.

In any case, I HAVE to stop thinking about it as something that other people would really hate me for. Because the more I think that way, the more it will magically come true. People make all these mistakes all the time and they’re still ok. I mean, really, whats the worst thing that could happen? I embarrass myself? I could still go home and sleep, and tomorrow is another day. And I still get paid don’t I? I get fired? Actually, I’d be very glad to be fired… It will give me more time to do what I like.

Plus.. today I will be talking to a person who actually knows these things technically.. so I’d fare better with them. I don’t know, I feel like I’ve lost my confidence and self-esteem.

job

Week 10 Thursday – I suck at things

I’ve always had a problem understanding things people say. I dunno. Maybe because I am ADD where its just so hard to pay attention to people and understand what they’re saying.. or just I hate everything so that I don’t listen to them.

Basically today, the tester and I are supposed to test something, something pretty simple actually. But he never really did get what I mean. Maybe it’s because I do not explain things very well? Or I was answering things that wasn’t his question? I don’t know.

But basically it made me pissed and I am fucking annoyed.

Because our desks are right across from each other he can pull shit like this where he fucking digs into you and he doesn’t understand what is supposed to be done and then you get pissed and then he gets pissed and everyone gets pissed and your life sucks.

😦