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Week 10 Monday – My co-worker told me to get a chill pill

I think that no matter where I go, it is quite evident that I always stressed out.

I have this task that I need to get done at work but unfortunately people are going crazy over it, adding new requirements on the go and shit. So I can’t finish it by the deadline that was set. And I am always so crazy about being on time, and I beat myself up if I don’t finish something in time.

To be honest, this task got over the deadline because of something that is out of my control. So I shouldn’t even blame myself for it. My co-worker told me to get a chill pill. And he told me this is something that you get used to after years and years of working like this. So he’s pretty casual about it. Lol, on the other hand I was kinda freaking out.

But well fortunately, I talked to my boss and in the end we came up with a solution that we could get done. And I feel much calmer after that because it’s finally to the point where I understand what I need to do.

Ok. Well that’s all.

Going to have to fight another war tomorrow.

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Week 9 Wednesday – Slow, tiring week

I honestly cannot believe that it is only Wednesday today. I am so fucking tired. Mostly because I’ve been coming early in the morning and coming home late all the time because I was helping the tester out. I mean it’s not a bad thing.. just that I wished I would come home less tired all the time.

Mostly even at work, I do the things that I am supposed to do and I do them and I finish them. But right now mostly I am helping out the tester, who isn’t a very technical person. I was involved in his meetings about testing.. I mean it’s very easy for me to learn tbh. But it’s probably pretty hard for him considering he last coded 2 years in the past.

I mean I don’t mind helping people.. just that I wish that I can come home less tired and more fulfilled I guess.. Every morning is a dread.. I don’t want to wake up in the morning. I hate myself and I hate my life. Everyday I just want to cry and disappear. Wanting to watch shows but then I never watch them because I’m too depressed to do anything. Every time at work, I just want to crawl back into bed and never get out. Then when I come home, I eat and in a few hours, I’ll be back asleep. Then 9-10 hours later wake up to a new depressing day.

Just.. sigh.

I mean on the bright side tomorrow is Thursday.. and it will eventually be the end of Week 9.

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Week 9 Monday – Potentially overworking, and annoyed with a demanding co-worker

So I’m going through week 9. The first week of the third month. Including this week, only 16 more weeks to go. Hey I’ve survived 8 weeks right? So I just need to do it twice more and that’s all.

First of all, I am tired. One is because I just took an anxiety pill so I feel so sleepy. Oddly enough though last night I couldn’t sleep even after the anxiety pill. It’s pretty annoying. Second of all, I feel like I’m working at a lot of things. Although I think I am taking it better. What I mean is, I used to completely hate everything there has to do with work because it is STRICTLY work. But now I feel like I am kind of okay blending it with my life. Because I know now that even if it ‘blends’ into my life, it does not define who I am.. I now do not get anxiety whenever I open GitHub. Whew.. the word ‘GitHub’ kind of triggers a bit of anxiety in me but overall I am okay. I’m okay with ‘mixing’ my life into my work.. because again.. my work does not define who I am. Even though after work, literally all I can do is eat and sleep because of anxiety and fatigue.. but it’s getting better. The anxiety is dying down, even just by a little bit.

But do I feel overworked? Sort of. Well depends on who I am comparing myself to. Comparing to my boss, my bosses work way harder than me. He comes the earliest and leaves the latest. So compared to him, my job is easy. But if I compare myself to my co-worker..

Well let me tell you about him. He is as new as I am to the company. He is from Mumbai, India. And that’s an important point because.. well not trying to be racist but, a lot of Indians are talkers but not doers. Which is not that bad because he comes up with great ideas. But he just never executes it. And he never does execute anything. He makes me do it. And that’s what annoys me. Also, he isn’t technical at all. His job is to basically look at the UI and find mistakes. Which is much easier than my job.. Well I guess it’s pretty hard for him at the moment because it requires him to understand the system well. BUT STILL I AM ALLOWED TO COMPLAIN. Also he likes to talk about the things that don’t have anything to do with what we’re doing. Because he is an EGOISTICAL BASTARD. I don’t know maybe I don’t understand how overconfident people think because I am just like.. super insecure about myself 😦

Basically I am working twice as hard to also understand his issues to help him out. Because even though he says he has 12 years of experience, he doesn’t know what the fuck the command line is. Also, he is mostly overconfident in things. But then he doesn’t actually know much. He talks, doesn’t do. I am the complete opposite.. talking is my very weakest point. But I’d say I do things well, and in the best way that I can.

I come much earlier than he does and leaves roughly at the same time, if not later than him. Which kinda frustrates me because I do that so that I can help him do his work. Also I am definitely being paid less than him. Mostly because I’m a contractor, so that’s kinda my own fault. BUT STILL. He is a tester, and basically because he isn’t very quick in technology, I help him in testing as well. So I am co-tester as you can say.

On the plus side, I am so glad that I can help him out in things. But at the same time I wish that I could be left alone, and have the office to myself, y’know? Maybe that’s why I like Fridays a lot because my PM works from home and my other boss (tech lead) works at different times, and the tester sometimes works from home. So Fridays are the absolute best and I get everything done then.

Most of the time I just want to be left alone.. Talking to people just makes me tired. Especially talking to people ON THE PHONE. That is one thing I don’t completely like about this company tbh.. 20 people in a team. All but 2 are scattered across the globe and does not work in the same building as I.. It’s exhausting.

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In retrospect, I was kind of a dick.

I’ll be quick because I have an anime I’d like to watch. But I am writing this because, around the month of March, I got a job offer in Lubbock. I was so excited for it. I told the company people I’d come there excited, I was informing them of all these technologies and we were so excited to be working with each other. Despite this, I was troubled by the low pay (it was $30k, which is very low for a CS entry level) and the fact that I would not be able to work for them for more than a year because of OPT, and they weren’t e-verified, which means they cannot renew my OPT.

I told them that at the time of their job offer, I was at an internship, and I could only join them in one more month. I was actually buying time, if I could get a better job opportunity. In other words, their job offer was kind of just like my safety net. In case I don’t get another one in a month. I was a dick.

Then around two weeks after, I got a job offer elsewhere. And it is this job I am currently having in Rockville, MD. The pay was twice as much. So obviously, the choice is a no brainer. I was figuring out ways to break it to them without being too harsh. I was going to tell them the whole truth of why I couldn’t be there.

I remember it was a Thursday afternoon, at around 6pm. I was supposed to come work for them 8 days later. We had the phone call. I talked some bullshit about AngularJS and Bootstrap to one of their colleagues and then I talked to Ryan (at least I think that’s what his name was), who was the person I was in contact with during the one month gap between accepting the job offer and the date of which I should come work for them. Note that during this period I was learning C#, Entity Framework ORM, AngularJS and frankly some other (sort of) fun bullshit. I told Ryan that I could not work for them anymore because of the e-verification issue. Then I asked him to hand over the phone to Rebecca (ok I’m making up names here because I really cannot remember their names anymore, gosh I’m a dick aren’t I), who was quite literally the assistant CEO. Before I came to work there she was extremely nice. She introduced me to her colleagues and helped me find an apartment. But then I told her about the e-verification and salary issue and in the end she asked me, “if they WEREN’T an issue, do you STILL want to work with us?” It was hard, but I said no. And then she hung up.

I guess the reason why I was feeling like a dick is because I was using them as a mere safety net if I don’t end up getting a job. But at the same time, I was genuinely excited to work for them. I really was. But then in the end, she was pissed at me, everyone’s pissed at me. And I’m pissed at myself. But what am I supposed to do? Plus if I came back to Lubbock, I’d be extremely depressed. In April, I came back to Lubbock for like 3 days and I was already depressed. I can’t imagine what would happen if all of my friends aren’t in Lubbock anymore and I’d be just so depressed and lonely.

So yes I feel like a dick. But at the same time, if they really cared about me, they wouldn’t act like that. I mean she just hung up. So I guess we’re both dicks. I’ve said the word dick too much already. But the point is.. I knew how much of an asshole I’d be so that is why I broke it up with them on the phone, talking to them directly, instead of just e-mailing them. Telling them the whole truth (well ALMOST, I never told them about the part where I got another job so), and what is. I did my best to be less of a complete jerk. And I guess that is the best I can do. If they don’t like that.. then that’s their problem.

And all in all, I have to learn to forgive myself for being an asshole. It’s hard. Because from time to time, I think about them. Wishing that I’ve handled it better. But I handled it as best as I could with the knowledge I had at the time.. Two months later to today, I wished that I could have just be straight with them by saying I am declining their job offer, even though I’ve accepted it. Turns out it’s a completely normal thing to do that. I guess I was caught up with emotions at the time. Because they were so nice to me. That’s all. Now back to watching Koe no Katachi. The anime started off with a guy wanting to jump off a bridge, PERFECT!

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Week 8 – Loneliness

Here I am Friday night lying in bed writing this. Upstairs, one of the landlord’s son is having a birthday. My friends are busy with their own work. People are having fun. And here I am crying.

I feel so alone.

Nobody is replying to my texts. I cannot talk to anyone. I just talked to my therapist but I feel like I am hiding a lot from her. I don’t know, I am so afraid of being judged. For example, I have never told her that, at times, I can get severely depressed and have suicidal thoughts. Even now I feel like overdosing myself. I never told her that I like to take sleeping pills. And now, I am taking Xanax, which is making me sleep 12 hours a day. Plus, talking verbally to people, even those whom I am comfortable with talking, wears me out and I am dying.

It’s not that I don’t have anyone to talk to. It’s just that it’s so hard for me to open up. So I cannot talk to anyone. Not even those I consider my best friends.

I don’t know why.

Also since I’ve been sleeping nearly 12 hours a day, I’ve been eating less. But then on the weekends I binge on pizza. But it’s becoming less enjoyable.