Moments when I'm slightly less depressed · random thoughts

Quitting, being less depressed, and Welcome to NHK

I’ve decided to quit in September.. and let them know early September so I could get out of here by September 16th.

Today is July 4th (well technically it’s still the 3rd in my brain because I haven’t slept yet but) so it’s 74 more days, or 10 weeks 4 days. I am excited. As of now it’s the 12th week. So it’s as if I’m doing it once more. And yes, I can handle it. I know I can.

I’ve been pretty excited about life these days. Mostly because I am able to be more involved in art again, and I’m so excited about that. I’ve not been oversleeping because of depression anymore. And I’ve been staying up a bit late because I’m excited. Well, also because I don’t want to see tomorrow because tomorrow is the last holiday and I am scared. But regardless, not because of depression per se. I’m making great progress!

Although, I was watching this anime today called Welcome to NHK and it’s pretty sad. Had several scenes of suicide, and sayings that life is literally 90% suffering, and saying that life doesn’t have meaning. I mean the anime didn’t end up with a revelation like ‘Oh wow life does have meaning so I’m gonna live life to the fullest’ or some other bullshit like that. Objectively, life really doesn’t have a meaning. But to bare with that, you generally have to find a way to help others. And endure life as best as you can. So that in one day, you will be able to help somebody in need.

I admit, I am a loser. I clearly do not do anything right. I do everything wrong. Even if I do something right, it would always go better. I disappoint everyone, everyone looks down on me, everyone wishes I do something better with my life. But you know what, that’s ok. Because that is what is expected of life. Life is 90% suffering. But strive for the 10%.

drawing · Moments when I'm slightly less depressed

Great weekend

I haven’t felt this great in a long time.

I basically spent yesterday and today drawing and drawing. I was practicing figure drawings, I was doing photo studies, I was doing wireframe studies, I was drawing wonder woman, most importantly, I was getting the fuck back on my feet.  Indeed I have a lot to learn and a lot of things to catch up to. I need to be patient and trust the process. At times, of course, drawing brings up new kinds of depression. But those are the ones that I do not mind having because they are completely worth it.

I am glad I made the $3,000 purchase for a mobile studio pro.. Now i can do digital art while a movie plays. Before, it’s hard for me to do that with a tablet because that would mean i have to open photoshop side by side with the video. Now I don’t have to do that anymore!!! I can get into things a bit more deeper than I could ever do with just a sketchbook 😀

Ugh I feel great.. To make it better, tomorrow I’m working from home. And there’s really not much I can work on tomorrow actually. Since my boss is ooo and there are some information I need from him to move forward with my part.. so I can’t do anything until that happens. I just need to calm down! Phew.

I’m probably going to start trying doing youtube again.

Moments when I'm slightly less depressed

Getting my shit together

I felt very energized today after coming home from work and chatting with my sister and playing club penguin, messing around with people. It was a lot of fun.

Then I drew something simple on the msp and I am so happy with what I made.. mostly because I didn’t care about the result. I just cared the fact that it was finished.. that’s all. I definitely don’t feel ECSTATIC but I definitely feel a little bit better than usual.

I’m going to get my shit my together for drawing and try to be more productive again and keep learning more shit. 😐