So basically I reached my goal today of studying abs.. even if just a little bit and also studying color relationships by drawing something in black and white. and honestly, i thinkim understanding things a bit more now.
I’ve been pretty well lately in a sense that I’ve been following schedule really well and im kinda proud of my people drawing skills mostly because it’s being compared with my environment drawing skills, which is pretty much shit but like im kinda glad that im not a total useless piece of shit, that’s all.
But I’m kinda proud of myself lately because I’ve been following my schedule really well and like im making some shit and like staying away from depression and all so i hope i can keep this up.
I mean lately i’ve been feeling that i am needed in the office so like it makes me feel much better bc im not useless rn and its weird that whenever i am tired i am the happiest. it’s so weird feeling this emotion called NOT BEING SAD because like i feel content right now. i don’t feel ECSTATIC or SAD/DEPRESSED. Like if 0 is i wanna kill myself cuz im depressed and 10 is im effin happy, i’d say right now i’m like in 8. So like, I feel fucking good about myself right now, which is weird.
It’s funny because there are a part of me that is just saying that i don’t deserve to feel as good about myself as I do right now because i jsut don’t and a part of me just wants to stay being deperssed because i am a useless piece of shit and all
ugh i gotta stop devaluing myself like that lol
anyways, i feel better than most days today and i think that’s good.
tomorrow i’m going to try to continue with the schedule again. and see what happens
So the title says it all. Last night i dont know why I had such a hard time sleeping. It’s funny because I kind of felt not sleepy and that was why I kept waking up every hour. But at the same time, I was fucking sleepy and i needed to sleep.
So today wasnt very murderous. There was a few things going on today but it was kinda ok. We had a couple of meetings in which I am not too lost on and after that i worked on things and tomorrow i jsut need to continue it. Honestly though lately i havent been getting much anxiety. probably because of the fact that my boss isnt there? definitely the fact that my boss is away calmed me down so much. i dont know why though. it’s not like my boss is killing me or anything. i guess i am just so evidently scared of authority. i am going to take advantage of her absense right now.
Either that or I am just now extremely apathetic about everything and I have basically numbed the pain by listening to too much sad music that I couldn’t possibly get any sadder. Lately my weekends have been pretty depressing. not sure why though. i think it’s just the emptiness of not doing anything, it’s killing me.
However today i am feeling so much more myself and i am practicing much better. look, regardless of being depressed or not, i still draw pretty much the same. so i would much prefer being not depressed but also still draw well enough. it’s much better than just lying around in bed doig nothing. admittedly, it’s pretty enjoyable. but it’s not very good. sometimes i think that my brain purposely makes me depressed just so that i can rest. because in reality i dont really rest that much. even when i ‘rest’ i am always drawing something.
It has just dawned on me as well that it is currently week 19. My job ends on week 26. That’s insane how close I am to finishing this thing. wow. It’s getting close and closer for me to finally say that i cannot continue. sigh. i dont want to think about it!!!! It’s nearly 1 AM and i have to go to work so i dont wanna ruin myself!!
anyways.. i want to know how long i can keep being slightly less depressed. just keep breathing.
I’ve decided to quit in September.. and let them know early September so I could get out of here by September 16th.
Today is July 4th (well technically it’s still the 3rd in my brain because I haven’t slept yet but) so it’s 74 more days, or 10 weeks 4 days. I am excited. As of now it’s the 12th week. So it’s as if I’m doing it once more. And yes, I can handle it. I know I can.
I’ve been pretty excited about life these days. Mostly because I am able to be more involved in art again, and I’m so excited about that. I’ve not been oversleeping because of depression anymore. And I’ve been staying up a bit late because I’m excited. Well, also because I don’t want to see tomorrow because tomorrow is the last holiday and I am scared. But regardless, not because of depression per se. I’m making great progress!
Although, I was watching this anime today called Welcome to NHK and it’s pretty sad. Had several scenes of suicide, and sayings that life is literally 90% suffering, and saying that life doesn’t have meaning. I mean the anime didn’t end up with a revelation like ‘Oh wow life does have meaning so I’m gonna live life to the fullest’ or some other bullshit like that. Objectively, life really doesn’t have a meaning. But to bare with that, you generally have to find a way to help others. And endure life as best as you can. So that in one day, you will be able to help somebody in need.
I admit, I am a loser. I clearly do not do anything right. I do everything wrong. Even if I do something right, it would always go better. I disappoint everyone, everyone looks down on me, everyone wishes I do something better with my life. But you know what, that’s ok. Because that is what is expected of life. Life is 90% suffering. But strive for the 10%.
I haven’t felt this great in a long time.
I basically spent yesterday and today drawing and drawing. I was practicing figure drawings, I was doing photo studies, I was doing wireframe studies, I was drawing wonder woman, most importantly, I was getting the fuck back on my feet. Indeed I have a lot to learn and a lot of things to catch up to. I need to be patient and trust the process. At times, of course, drawing brings up new kinds of depression. But those are the ones that I do not mind having because they are completely worth it.
I am glad I made the $3,000 purchase for a mobile studio pro.. Now i can do digital art while a movie plays. Before, it’s hard for me to do that with a tablet because that would mean i have to open photoshop side by side with the video. Now I don’t have to do that anymore!!! I can get into things a bit more deeper than I could ever do with just a sketchbook 😀
Ugh I feel great.. To make it better, tomorrow I’m working from home. And there’s really not much I can work on tomorrow actually. Since my boss is ooo and there are some information I need from him to move forward with my part.. so I can’t do anything until that happens. I just need to calm down! Phew.
I’m probably going to start trying doing youtube again.