random thoughts

Tired, getting pressure, feeling numb

I’m right now having this feeling that I am addicted to: sleepiness.

I just took 2 sleeping pills, because just one isn’t enough. I just feel so not myself today because of the anxiety from work today. I don’t even want to talk about it. My friend is currently staying with me and one of the benefits of haing a friend with you is so that you have somebody to talk to. But I am too depressed to do that right now. Either that or I hate talking about bad news in general. I don’t like to complain much. At least, I try not to. Actually, I do complain sometime. But I put it outin a burst of anger. Sort of. Today I kinda did burst in anger a little bit in the office. But I try to mask it out with humor. But in reality, my blood is just boiling. And I just really wanted to escape. Yup, that’s me. Escaping when situations get bad.

More than that, I am simply just getitng pressure from these people to finish things. Sigh.

I just feel numb right now actually. Not happy. Not sad. Not depressed.. I don’t feel like myself. I fear a lot of things. I played the piano for 1.5 hrs today but didn’t draw. I don’t htink I wil because i’ll be sleeping in a bit, even though it is only 8:19 PM now.

Duno, i’m considering taking an art class. It should be fun. I am sayng that without excitement though. I am just numb to be honest.

random thoughts

No longer improving in art

I feel depressed now. I feel like I am no longer improving in art. When I look at my art from like January, it doesn’t feel like any has changed. If anything I feel like I was better before than now.

Sigh, i just feel so despondent right now.

Today afternoon I had a call with one of my bosses and of course, I feel immensely stupid. so, yeah. What are you gonna do. I’m excited to be out of here, really.

I just want to continue my art adventures.. with the money I am earning that is how i choose to spend it. i feel so sad, depressed.

depression · random thoughts · suicide

End of week 17. Snapping, suicide, losing interest in life

so yesterday i snapped because i was angry. I was angry because my friend whom i am mad at didnt take responsibility for a certain action. But being the bitch that i am, of course i dont tell her that. And its not her fault either actually. I just really like the satisfaction that somebody had to take responsibility for me lol, i am a dik. So i snapped, i pressed a bunch o keys on her keyboard, and she got mad at me bc she thinks it will break and then i took a long walk, probably nearly 3 hours. I walked to the metro, to the park, accross the road where there are a lotta car brands, the park again, watched a bunch of people play basketball and tennis, sat on the park benches, punched a bunch of benches because i was still angry, punched some walls, sang sad songs, walked around safeway, discovered many cool places, came back home at 10:30pm. Then i told hwr if the keyboard happens to break, which i doubt, because ive smashed many keyboards in the past and they dont break by key smashing, and she said if u wanna replace it go ahead, im like well lol. I guess i shoulda expected that response. She doesnt know how to handle others sadness i guess. Well, particularly, my sadness because nobody can handle it so i dont blame her anyways. One time when i was on a mental break down she told me to keep thinking of myself as a loser and kill myself . Ok maybe she didnt tell me to kill myself but i felt that way. I am such a fucking loser.

Anyway im kinda pissed at her, even tho i probably shouldnt be. I am just a complicated bitch and i hate myself. So i spent the rest of the night swallowing anxiety pills bc i ran out of sleeping pills so i need to sleep help and crying because suddenly felt how alone i am, that i inherently am unable to accept anybody in my life. The only friend I have in indo wont reply my texts, the one friend i have accessible, i kinda threw her away. For some reason whenever i throw people away i always feel good at a short term.. because people have weaknesses and i hate weaknesses somehow. Of course people are not perfect, but my fucking brain will always try to amgnify the bad things, making it so that kicking people out of my life much easier.. but in the long run it makes me very lonely. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

that night i contacted 741741, crying, because i really felt like I wanted to kill myself this weekend. Because it had just dawned on me that i am extremely useless and i dont deserve anything, and whenever i am in contact with another person i always end up ruining everything and hurting them. I just really want to not participate in life at all. I just like to observe in silence, with no intentions. I just want to stop existing, i want to be forgotten. I never asked for life,i want to die. I dont deserve anything good at all.

i just feel so hurt a lot because a lot of people think that I am simply smart, can do several things without trying. In fact, for everything that i do, is all done by hard work. But all they say is that i am ‘talented’ or ‘lucky.’ Of course, i owe a lot to being lucky. But sometimes i’d like people to realize that nobody did some magic on me to make me who i am. I can do things because ive sacrificed a lot to achieve what i want. Things i sacrifice include friends and family. In the end, i am very lonely. My piano and drawing skills is literally all i have to keep me company. Theyre not necessarily the best company though. In fact, they give me a lot of depression. But its the kind of depression that I am addicted to, i keep coming back for more.

ive realized that having a working life now has made me so much more bland as a person. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. When i was in college, i was always fired up with new ideas… but now i dont. When i see apps in the app store, i dont get inspired at all. It’s just meh. I also used to be very engaged in financial knowledge, and books,.. but not anymore. I just feel empty. Ive forgotten how it feels like to feel ecstatic about something. Now, even piano and drawing gives me an average level of excitement. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Usually the ecstatic feeling i am talking about is that feeling that you get for a couple of days until you eventually feel normal aboit life again. But still, i just miss that excitement because its what made me feel alive on some days, but now i just dont feel it anymore. All thats in my mind is just my boring work and nothing else.

i still wish death to come upon me. Sometimes i think of why good people had to die too soon. Like robin williams, christina grimmie, and chester bennington. I shouldve been the one to die, not them. If i were to die, nothing would change anyway.

random thoughts

I don’t have friends, being useless

Okay, I do have friends. But why do I feel so extremely useless in front of them? As if I’m not good enough of a friend.. because they have other friends who are more important than I am. I mean, I am sure that they don’t think that way at all. But that is what my brain convinces me as truth. In friendship and in professional life. And it’s kind of killing me.

Like okay, my friend e lives all the way in indo so we don’t talk other than through facebook. for 4 years now, it’s been great, we’re still friends and we still communicate. but lately she’s been busy with a lot of things and other friends of course that she never replies to me anymore on there. of course, its not like she has any obligation to.. but i just wished she would because i am quite lonely. And the fact that she has so many other friends make me feel so envious, wishing i had that many good friends as well. to be honest, i really don’t have any other friends than e, and s, who is currently living with me right now. so technically, she is the closest friend to me at the moment. but she also has so many friends, so that’s why this week she’s going somewhere. next week she’s going somewhere. you know, to meet friends.

I am both jealous and envious of them. They’re quite literally my only two close friends right now. But i can’t talk to them as much as I would like to. I don’t know. Honestly, I do not think that is the issue anyway. I am just very jealous. I hate it when people do more than me. It’s like i’m not trying hard enough or something. that’s exactly whats happening at work too. i just feel so useless when my coworked talked to more people than i did.

why?

at work i just feel completely useless and i never want to do anything. plus my bosses hate their jobs and 1 of my co worker also hates her job, and 1 other co worker just complains all the time and it’s kinda sorta killing me. i try to never complain and i always try to be flexible and get around hardships and never really try to express negative feelings or whatever but it’s hard to keep that attitude when everyone around you is doing exactly what you avoid doing.

Makes me sad.

Even if I didn’t have to leave this company I would probably still consider leaving. I need a break. I am burnt out. But at the same time, I feel nervous at times of burnout. And I feel guilty when i burtn out and i feel even worse than before.

I just want to sleep and never wake up. Just disappear and never come back. Never remembered. Never noticed. Never have existed.

random thoughts

Figuring out how to break bad news

So.. even though I hate my job. I’d still feel so bad and slightly selfish to have to quit. But I have to rip off the band aid right?

Sometimes I think about how I’m going to have to break the bad news that I am leaving. After all, there are some components in the project and I am spear-heading. So if I were them, I’d be so fucking pissed. Fucking trash. But what else can I do..? I just hope that my component of the project will be finished by the time I need to leave.

Things like this happen all the time now does it? In the future something similar might happen to me and it would be my turn to deal with it. Sigh. Who knows..?

The news needs to be given early next month. We’ll see what happens?

I do not need to worry about it now. For now, just focus on doing the very best that you can.