Ok, a lot going on. I haven’t written in a while. Let’s address all of my thoughts one by one.
So, I’ve been doing this course on lighting/color from schoolism and it is an awesome course and i am fucking learning a lot but i am also failing a lot because lighting/color is one of my very worst areas. So I am basically failing at everything and it’s kind of driving me crazy because it’s like i am so stupid at everything i don’t even deserve anything. you know those kinds of things. so last week i took it easier which worked for a little while but now i’m just like taking it even further because i really cannot continue at the moment. i need a break like for real because i am just driving myself nuts because i have high expectations for myself and i can never reach it and whenever i try to do something it turns out so badly that i just wanna FUCKING GIVE UP and kill myself and never continue because of how fucking bad i am and how better other people are. and like i’ve been trying to convince myself that DOING something is enough but then its like my brain is telling me IM A FUCKING LOSER YOU FUCKING LOSER over and over again so it kinda just paralyzes me and i end up feeling just so bad about my fucking self. And then i just never continue and it just scares because what if i end up just stopping and just never improving in the end because i am a fucking idiot and i give up way too easily and i am a failure just like always and I AM NOT DESEVING OF ANYTHING because i am simply not good enough and i should just throw myself in a well. Anyways, I’m going to take a bit of a break and recover and then continue again. because i reallyw ant to finish the course. 😦
I’ve realized that the problem i’m having right now is that i have a lot of negative thoughts just flying around. like im so depressed that i forgot what it feels like not to be depressed. i do not know what satisfaction or happiness feels like tbh. Every morning it’s just like i just want to die, don’t ever want to get out of bed, i just want to cry. then at work it’s like i just wanna kill myself kill myself KILL MY FUCKING SELF. Then at home it’s like i am the fucking worst because i can’t do this and that then at nights it’s just like i am an idiot because i didn’t do much today I AM THE FUCKING WORST and it just repeats the next day. I literally just spend 99% of my time thinking about the worst in myself and just saying to myself that i am unworthy of ANYTHING. it’s taking over too much lately and i don’t know how to stop.
And it doesn’t help that whenever somebody reprimands me i always think it’s like a personal attack. like today one of my co workers told me to shut up because of course, i was talking with a nother coworker in a place that we shouldn’t be talking because it’s like a public area where people work and like that makes sense but somehow my brain just believes its because i am the worst possible human being because im like being a nuisance to another person’s existence and like why would i purposely annoy somebody i am such a fucking selfish pig. the same thing when my roommate told me to shut up because i was on the phone too loud and like i felt like a fucking waste of space because i am just alive to be a nuisance to somebody I AM A LOSER and like whenever i have conversations and people just fucking hate my opinions actually they probably dont hate my opinions but mauybe because i just hate it when people disagree with me too much but at the same time if people agree with me too much i get bored so like what the hell do i fucking want? I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHIGN T_T and like I HATE IT BECAUSE MY CO WORKER FUCKING TOLD ME THAT i was criticizing something just to find things to criticize it and it just makes me so fucking sad because like its as if im such a fucking failure ctually i dont even know wy that makes me sad because i don’t think it’s supposed to make me sad but it does because it just kinda shows how worthless i am and the fact that i dont have any important thoughts to share, only emotions to share and i am overall worthless, a waste of space, my opinions mean nothing and i should just stop tryig to make people realize my existence because really everybody is better off without me.
i should stop giving having people acknowledge my existence.
i just want to live in the background. just a random passerby in everyone’s lives. i don’t want to be associated with anyone and anyone shouldn’t be associated with me because their lives are not better with me, it becomes worse.
i am ugly, i am not pretty, i am disgusting, i don’t deserve good things, i deserve all the bad things, i can’t do anything right, i am not intelligent, i don’t try to hard enough, i am useless, i never try to be nice, i am always an asshole, i can never make things right, things always go wrong with me, i don’t make good decisions, i live in the past and future, but never in the present, i never think about important problems that need to be solved, i am lazy, i am too strict with other people, i am not empathetic, i don’t have friends, i am lonely and will always be, i am wasting my time, i worry too much, i get depressed to much, i should just STOP being depressed and actually TRY to get out of it but i am too LAZY to do ir because that is just who i am. i never make an effort to be HAPPIER, i get into other’s business too much, it would be better if i killed myself, nobody needs me, people are better off when i didn’t exist, all i do is cry , get angry, and never create anything useful. i am ultimately useless and i shouldn’tve been alive in the first place.
nobody wants me. everybody always says im not enough. the only time when i am good is when i follow pepople’s instrucions on what good is. i am useless. i am ugly and disgusting nobody wants me! i am repeating things because those are the things that are repeating in my head like a broken record. my thoughts are consuming me. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO OK I JUST WANT TO CRY ALL THE TIME AND THATS ALL THATS WHAT MY LIFE IS AND NOTHING MORE.