depression · drawing · random thoughts

Saturday drawing success, binge watching youtube, and depression

So today I managed to actually finish a drawing.. and I am so happy about it. The drawing wasn’t amazing but more than anything, I was focusing on finishing. Nothing more nothing less. I posted the drawing on Instagram and trying not to worry so much about the number of likes or exposure. Of course, I always wished that I could have done better but I am okay enough by the fact that something is done. I was struggling a bit to finish it but I am glad I finished.

Today I was binge watching Youtube.. mainly on this Youtuber called Jacob cruikshank. I really like how he formats his videos and tbh I like how he and his brother, Lucas cruikshank, presents their content. They all seem like theyre drunk when doing their vids, but they’re just very creative and funny.

I talked to my dad today. I miss my family so much. But I am just so sad how my dad just always talks about bad things that are out of my control. Like my brother and sister. I mean they kind of are within my control. But I am working on it. And it’s not very enjoyable to be under that much pressure all the time.

It’s 2AM now. I’m probably going to eat another cup of ice cream. My head feels like it’s floating but I can’t sleep. Probably because my stomach is filled with nothing but ice cream tonight.

Also I cannot get this image of a bug in the bath room out of my head. Fuck.

depression · random thoughts

I miss home

Basically lately I’ve been pretty homesick. Hence the frequent calls with my sister. Heck, I’d even take the call if it were my parents, that’s how lonely i am. 

I am currently renting a place in a house owned by a chinese family. And every night theyd have dinner together and whenever i come upstairs to their dining room it always feel so loney for me because id do anything to have that with my family right now. 

Also theres 2 children living in this house, one is 10 and the other is 11 and theyre just the sweetest. Basically i envy how they can still stay a kid without needing to worry ahout anything. Also i envy the people who look my age but they have a lot of freedom in which their job is what the enjoy (at least i am assuming so because they are piano teachers) and they can still stay with the family for as long as they want.l which is great and ultimately what i want.

I’m probably asking too much now arent i.

depression · drawing · random thoughts

I miss drawing, but I can’t draw well, and I hate myself for it, hating having a boss, and attempting to tutor

After a while, I’ve come to make myself believe that I am not a worthy artist anymore. I mean, it’s probably because I haven’t put that much effort into drawing anymore. Mostly because I am too tired to do it lately.

Whenever I look at my old art, they always look so much better than I can do right now. And it makes me sad. I’m not sure I can compare my current self to my old self because well, I remembered when I did the ‘good’ art, I was feeling great about myself.. But now I just hate myself all the time. And because of that I can’t draw well. And because of that, I hate myself.. and the cycle just goes on.

But then this brings me to another point.. If I cannot draw.. and I hate being a software developer (like I FUCKING hate it..), then what am I? Maybe I love drawing because of the freedom.. I remember when I was in highschool, I stopped my love to draw because somebody was telling me what to draw.. and somebody had to judge me for it. I mean you get that on a daily basis with art but the things that I put forward on Instagram for example, it’s my own shots.. I don’t have to think about somebody else liking it.. if I want to post it, I will. And I think this is why I hate being a software developer.. well.. i dont hate being a software developer.. i just hate having to wait for somebody to call the shots. i like calling my own shots.

I don’t know. Maybe it stems from my hate towards people. or it’s just that it’s hard for me to find a person I can harmonize with while working. to be honest, all my life, i cannot find anyone i am very comfortable working with 100%. because nobody in this life has as much dedication as i am when it comes to working. and actually, that is not necessarily a good thing because i tend to just forget everything in life and work. this includes health, family, friends, and anything else you can think of. so obviously nobody is as low as i am. and because i expect highly of people as i expect highly of myself.. i end up never enjoying anyone’s company except my own..

and that’s probably why drawing has stuck with me for the longest time. nobody was there to try to call any shots for me. i do it myself. but .. this is not a good thing is it? sigh. i hate it when people tell me what to do. fuck.

i’ve recently applied to be a tutor on chegg.com. And they’ll get back to my application in a week. I mean i like being a tutor. I like helping people but also i like being the one to call the shots. Essentially.. I like being a learner as well. because there is nobody to ‘command’ you what to learn. you learn out of your own curiosity.

I also applied to be a tutor on tutor.com but the exams make me lazy, man.

I might go back to value investing. i need to study the udemy course.

 

random thoughts · suicide

Competitive suicide

Basically earlier today I came across a Facebook picture (fuck, I should stop Facebooking) of a grade 11 class picture. I saw my classmates and realized I was literally not friends with any of them, which is kinda sad. I was basically in the very edge, just kinda TRYING to be part of the picture, but I just really wanna get out of there.

But then I took a few minutes to try to find out what those motherfuckers are doing right now until I got uninterested. I only found like 2 or 3 of them, and even so they’re not that active on Facebook. Maybe they’re more active on instagram or shit like that but I’m not wanting to take the effort tbh.

Honestly, I don’t know why I decided to try to find out what my high school people are doing now. Am I hoping they’re doing worse than I am? Why would I do that actually .. My life isn’t that great, it’s actually pretty depressing. I guess I just want to know if anyone else’s lives are as depressing as mine. Then what if any of them are like millionaires by now? Will I feel like shit? Most likely.

Then this thought came.. if I found any of them had committed suicide, I’d probably first be mad, instead of sad. Because I mean, one of the main reasons why I haven’t committed suicide is because I really don’t have the guts. So if somebody did it before me, I’d be jealous. That’s an odd thought isn’t it. But in all seriousness, I hope nobody I know killed themselves. It’d be pretty sad.

fear and anxiety · random thoughts

Alprazium, Great Minds, and my offline journal

I’ve basically been consuming this medication for a week now. It’s been causing me to sleep very quickly and my thoughts are shutting down. In other words, this is working. On most days anyway. Although there was one day where it didn’t really work to be honest. And it kinda sucked. But 6 days out of 7, it works.

But because I consume this at roughly 7PM everyday after eating, I’ve been sleeping very early everyday. Around 9PM or 10PM and wake up at 7:40AM. Well actually I have an alarm at 7:22AM, just so that I don’t feel like I hate my life when I get up at 7:40AM. So yeah. I’ve been sleeping too much I feel like. Doesn’t feel normal. But if I sleep at 12AM, which is the time when I usually sleep before the medication, I feel so depressed. I’m not sure. Maybe that’s because I didn’t have the medication. Maybe I’ll try that tomorrow.

A few days ago I got this book from The School of Life, called Great Minds, which basically talks about the greatest philosophers throughout history. I haven’t gotten around to reading it but I really want to.

I also might read my journal, which is this brown journal book that I bought around 4 years ago during freshman year of college, but until now I’ve never filled up the whole book. There’s some insightful things about my life in there from my own brain that I’ve now forgotten. I might read it sometime.