depression · fear and anxiety · suicide

Week 9 End – Pizza, Guilt, Worries

It is now the end of week 9 and it is 12:11AM right now and I had ordered pizza. Although, I feel like a huge dick for not giving the pizza guy a tip even though he delivered in the rain. Well what am I supposed to do man they never asked for a tip before so I just assumed I didn’t need to. Plus I didn’t have cash on hand. Damn he was pissed. Oh well. Can’t do anything about it. Probably won’t do anything about it because I am a cheap-ass motherfucker.

Anyways, Fridays are always so quiet and I didn’t have anything to do.

I am now thinking a lot of bad things that may happen to me. I am getting worried sick for no good reason. And worried about the things I do not need to worry about, increasing my anxiety levels and making me more tired than I am supposed to. I just had 3 anxiety pills but it’s not working and I am just getting very sleepy and I am about to pass out.

Seriously, I need to start telling people not to give me any bad news because little do they know, it’s going to consume my days. I need to forget about it.

This week had been a slow week. I just found out that the contract technically ends October 20th. So that’s like 17 more weeks to go. I can do this. I can get through this.

I am just pissed that my co-worker, who doesn’t know how to do anything technical is basically taking up all the credit by saying ‘I’ instead of ‘we.’ That could also probably because I am a sensitive motherfucker. But call me sensitive all you want but I did most of the work while he just talked and talked like a fucking bitch and it’s kinda diving me nuts and I am going crazy and I am about to die. I mean tbh I die everyday mentally so it’s not a surprise anymore andddddasdudashdiashdsa

PLEASE LET ME ENJOY MY WEEKEND  😥

random thoughts · suicide

Competitive suicide

Basically earlier today I came across a Facebook picture (fuck, I should stop Facebooking) of a grade 11 class picture. I saw my classmates and realized I was literally not friends with any of them, which is kinda sad. I was basically in the very edge, just kinda TRYING to be part of the picture, but I just really wanna get out of there.

But then I took a few minutes to try to find out what those motherfuckers are doing right now until I got uninterested. I only found like 2 or 3 of them, and even so they’re not that active on Facebook. Maybe they’re more active on instagram or shit like that but I’m not wanting to take the effort tbh.

Honestly, I don’t know why I decided to try to find out what my high school people are doing now. Am I hoping they’re doing worse than I am? Why would I do that actually .. My life isn’t that great, it’s actually pretty depressing. I guess I just want to know if anyone else’s lives are as depressing as mine. Then what if any of them are like millionaires by now? Will I feel like shit? Most likely.

Then this thought came.. if I found any of them had committed suicide, I’d probably first be mad, instead of sad. Because I mean, one of the main reasons why I haven’t committed suicide is because I really don’t have the guts. So if somebody did it before me, I’d be jealous. That’s an odd thought isn’t it. But in all seriousness, I hope nobody I know killed themselves. It’d be pretty sad.

suicide

Suicide

It’s 12:17AM, I’ve got to wake up at 7:40AM because of work. But hey let’s talk about suicide.

I’ve had recurring suicidal thoughts since August 2014. Well actually, I’ve had suicidal thoughts for as long as I could remember. But it had never been so vivid until August 2014. Every single day, it becomes more and more vivid.

I have this weird thing where I buy medication. Not for suicide. But to possibly cure myself. I have so far bought two anti-anxiety medicine. One is L-theanine and one is Alparazium (which is what people take to get off of Xanax). L-theanine basically has no effect on me. Alparazium is simply too expensive for me to overdose on (they’re like fuckin $40 for 30 pills). If I wanted to overdose, I should take like the whole bottle. But if I don’t die, it’s going to be expensive. And I don’t want that. Other than anti-anxiety pills, I’ve frequently bought melatonin and CVS sleeping aid since around December 2016. I had trouble sleeping. Even now. I went to a period when I couldn’t sleep at all without my sleeping pills. I’ve tried overdosing on melatonin twice. I took 10 pills each on those nights. First was because I was beating myself up for losing my wallet. Second was why not. But they had no effect on me. In the mornings after, I contacted 741-741. Just wanting to admit to somebody that I attempted to overdose (even though I know it won’t work).

Of course, my family, friends, and other people who depend on me are the reasons why I can’t kill myself. But, the biggest reason is that I am afraid of failing to kill myself. Or that I am afraid that if I killed myself, no one will find out until a year later. Let’s say I shoved 3 bottles of pills. But instead of killing me, I just went into a coma. Then who’s gonna pay for it. Or like I go into a coma, like just in my room, but since I live in a rented room, nobody is going to check on me. And then I just stay there dead. And just give a really bad vibe to this whole house. I’m probably not making sense.

But my desire to kill myself is real. I think about it a lot. Never made any concrete plans. Never gone that far. So far I’ve been going off of plans that I know would not work.

I’ve stopped eating during the day on weekdays. Not because I don’t have time (like in college). But because I don’t want to. Just that. I’m just too depressed.

I just really want to die someday soon, you know.

I don’t get it though. I have friends who love me. Family members who give some shit about me. But I still want to die.

For the record, I’m making a new category called suicide. I’m tracking where I am with suicidal thoughts.