depression · random thoughts · suicide

End of week 17. Snapping, suicide, losing interest in life

so yesterday i snapped because i was angry. I was angry because my friend whom i am mad at didnt take responsibility for a certain action. But being the bitch that i am, of course i dont tell her that. And its not her fault either actually. I just really like the satisfaction that somebody had to take responsibility for me lol, i am a dik. So i snapped, i pressed a bunch o keys on her keyboard, and she got mad at me bc she thinks it will break and then i took a long walk, probably nearly 3 hours. I walked to the metro, to the park, accross the road where there are a lotta car brands, the park again, watched a bunch of people play basketball and tennis, sat on the park benches, punched a bunch of benches because i was still angry, punched some walls, sang sad songs, walked around safeway, discovered many cool places, came back home at 10:30pm. Then i told hwr if the keyboard happens to break, which i doubt, because ive smashed many keyboards in the past and they dont break by key smashing, and she said if u wanna replace it go ahead, im like well lol. I guess i shoulda expected that response. She doesnt know how to handle others sadness i guess. Well, particularly, my sadness because nobody can handle it so i dont blame her anyways. One time when i was on a mental break down she told me to keep thinking of myself as a loser and kill myself . Ok maybe she didnt tell me to kill myself but i felt that way. I am such a fucking loser.

Anyway im kinda pissed at her, even tho i probably shouldnt be. I am just a complicated bitch and i hate myself. So i spent the rest of the night swallowing anxiety pills bc i ran out of sleeping pills so i need to sleep help and crying because suddenly felt how alone i am, that i inherently am unable to accept anybody in my life. The only friend I have in indo wont reply my texts, the one friend i have accessible, i kinda threw her away. For some reason whenever i throw people away i always feel good at a short term.. because people have weaknesses and i hate weaknesses somehow. Of course people are not perfect, but my fucking brain will always try to amgnify the bad things, making it so that kicking people out of my life much easier.. but in the long run it makes me very lonely. I don’t have anyone to talk to.

that night i contacted 741741, crying, because i really felt like I wanted to kill myself this weekend. Because it had just dawned on me that i am extremely useless and i dont deserve anything, and whenever i am in contact with another person i always end up ruining everything and hurting them. I just really want to not participate in life at all. I just like to observe in silence, with no intentions. I just want to stop existing, i want to be forgotten. I never asked for life,i want to die. I dont deserve anything good at all.

i just feel so hurt a lot because a lot of people think that I am simply smart, can do several things without trying. In fact, for everything that i do, is all done by hard work. But all they say is that i am ‘talented’ or ‘lucky.’ Of course, i owe a lot to being lucky. But sometimes i’d like people to realize that nobody did some magic on me to make me who i am. I can do things because ive sacrificed a lot to achieve what i want. Things i sacrifice include friends and family. In the end, i am very lonely. My piano and drawing skills is literally all i have to keep me company. Theyre not necessarily the best company though. In fact, they give me a lot of depression. But its the kind of depression that I am addicted to, i keep coming back for more.

ive realized that having a working life now has made me so much more bland as a person. Ive lost interest in a lot of things. When i was in college, i was always fired up with new ideas… but now i dont. When i see apps in the app store, i dont get inspired at all. It’s just meh. I also used to be very engaged in financial knowledge, and books,.. but not anymore. I just feel empty. Ive forgotten how it feels like to feel ecstatic about something. Now, even piano and drawing gives me an average level of excitement. Who knows, maybe this is a good thing. Usually the ecstatic feeling i am talking about is that feeling that you get for a couple of days until you eventually feel normal aboit life again. But still, i just miss that excitement because its what made me feel alive on some days, but now i just dont feel it anymore. All thats in my mind is just my boring work and nothing else.

i still wish death to come upon me. Sometimes i think of why good people had to die too soon. Like robin williams, christina grimmie, and chester bennington. I shouldve been the one to die, not them. If i were to die, nothing would change anyway.

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suicide

Overdosing and emo younger me

Lately I’ve been playing around with anxiety pills, which I really shouldn’t have. I mean, don’t worry though. It’s not like I swallow like the whole bottle. I only do like 3 pills. And really, the affects are no different to me than taking just 1 pill. The only difference is that when I take 3 pills, I get a headache the next day, which is why I only play around with pills on Saturday night. So on Sunday, I can have a headache without worrying about anything else.

Although sometimes I think about overdosing for real, and how it would feel like. Will it be painless?

I’ve written in previous posts before that when I was younger, I was a depressed kid too. But I was never to the intensity of where I am now. I was mostly melancholic I guess. Well, I scrolled through my facebook timeline and I mostly found myself writing about how I hate life. About 3 posts were about wanting suicide. Note that those posts revolve around wanting to to die but don’t. Screen Shot 2017-06-25 at 10.51.59 PM

I don’t know what causes the “I want to live” part. I suspect it’s just some sort of emo moment. Such as this post:Screen Shot 2017-06-25 at 10.47.22 PM

The difference between younger me’s suicidal thoughts and current me’s suicidal thoughts is that, I am not just having an emo moment. I really don’t care about “being cried for.” The reason for me staying alive right now is not because I want to be appreciated more. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I have other people to meet the needs of. Admittedly, it’s not a very good reason to want to stay alive. You should always stay alive for your own sake. It’s a reason.. albeit a bad one, and one I don’t want to live with for long.

I am trying to get some sleep since I have work tomorrow. Usually one anxiety pill knocks me out. But the first one didn’t work so I popped another one. My stomach is upset right now because the whole day I was just eating noodles, ice cream, and sunchips.

Good night.

depression · fear and anxiety · suicide

Week 9 End – Pizza, Guilt, Worries

It is now the end of week 9 and it is 12:11AM right now and I had ordered pizza. Although, I feel like a huge dick for not giving the pizza guy a tip even though he delivered in the rain. Well what am I supposed to do man they never asked for a tip before so I just assumed I didn’t need to. Plus I didn’t have cash on hand. Damn he was pissed. Oh well. Can’t do anything about it. Probably won’t do anything about it because I am a cheap-ass motherfucker.

Anyways, Fridays are always so quiet and I didn’t have anything to do.

I am now thinking a lot of bad things that may happen to me. I am getting worried sick for no good reason. And worried about the things I do not need to worry about, increasing my anxiety levels and making me more tired than I am supposed to. I just had 3 anxiety pills but it’s not working and I am just getting very sleepy and I am about to pass out.

Seriously, I need to start telling people not to give me any bad news because little do they know, it’s going to consume my days. I need to forget about it.

This week had been a slow week. I just found out that the contract technically ends October 20th. So that’s like 17 more weeks to go. I can do this. I can get through this.

I am just pissed that my co-worker, who doesn’t know how to do anything technical is basically taking up all the credit by saying ‘I’ instead of ‘we.’ That could also probably because I am a sensitive motherfucker. But call me sensitive all you want but I did most of the work while he just talked and talked like a fucking bitch and it’s kinda diving me nuts and I am going crazy and I am about to die. I mean tbh I die everyday mentally so it’s not a surprise anymore andddddasdudashdiashdsa

PLEASE LET ME ENJOY MY WEEKEND  😥

random thoughts · suicide

Competitive suicide

Basically earlier today I came across a Facebook picture (fuck, I should stop Facebooking) of a grade 11 class picture. I saw my classmates and realized I was literally not friends with any of them, which is kinda sad. I was basically in the very edge, just kinda TRYING to be part of the picture, but I just really wanna get out of there.

But then I took a few minutes to try to find out what those motherfuckers are doing right now until I got uninterested. I only found like 2 or 3 of them, and even so they’re not that active on Facebook. Maybe they’re more active on instagram or shit like that but I’m not wanting to take the effort tbh.

Honestly, I don’t know why I decided to try to find out what my high school people are doing now. Am I hoping they’re doing worse than I am? Why would I do that actually .. My life isn’t that great, it’s actually pretty depressing. I guess I just want to know if anyone else’s lives are as depressing as mine. Then what if any of them are like millionaires by now? Will I feel like shit? Most likely.

Then this thought came.. if I found any of them had committed suicide, I’d probably first be mad, instead of sad. Because I mean, one of the main reasons why I haven’t committed suicide is because I really don’t have the guts. So if somebody did it before me, I’d be jealous. That’s an odd thought isn’t it. But in all seriousness, I hope nobody I know killed themselves. It’d be pretty sad.

suicide

Suicide

It’s 12:17AM, I’ve got to wake up at 7:40AM because of work. But hey let’s talk about suicide.

I’ve had recurring suicidal thoughts since August 2014. Well actually, I’ve had suicidal thoughts for as long as I could remember. But it had never been so vivid until August 2014. Every single day, it becomes more and more vivid.

I have this weird thing where I buy medication. Not for suicide. But to possibly cure myself. I have so far bought two anti-anxiety medicine. One is L-theanine and one is Alparazium (which is what people take to get off of Xanax). L-theanine basically has no effect on me. Alparazium is simply too expensive for me to overdose on (they’re like fuckin $40 for 30 pills). If I wanted to overdose, I should take like the whole bottle. But if I don’t die, it’s going to be expensive. And I don’t want that. Other than anti-anxiety pills, I’ve frequently bought melatonin and CVS sleeping aid since around December 2016. I had trouble sleeping. Even now. I went to a period when I couldn’t sleep at all without my sleeping pills. I’ve tried overdosing on melatonin twice. I took 10 pills each on those nights. First was because I was beating myself up for losing my wallet. Second was why not. But they had no effect on me. In the mornings after, I contacted 741-741. Just wanting to admit to somebody that I attempted to overdose (even though I know it won’t work).

Of course, my family, friends, and other people who depend on me are the reasons why I can’t kill myself. But, the biggest reason is that I am afraid of failing to kill myself. Or that I am afraid that if I killed myself, no one will find out until a year later. Let’s say I shoved 3 bottles of pills. But instead of killing me, I just went into a coma. Then who’s gonna pay for it. Or like I go into a coma, like just in my room, but since I live in a rented room, nobody is going to check on me. And then I just stay there dead. And just give a really bad vibe to this whole house. I’m probably not making sense.

But my desire to kill myself is real. I think about it a lot. Never made any concrete plans. Never gone that far. So far I’ve been going off of plans that I know would not work.

I’ve stopped eating during the day on weekdays. Not because I don’t have time (like in college). But because I don’t want to. Just that. I’m just too depressed.

I just really want to die someday soon, you know.

I don’t get it though. I have friends who love me. Family members who give some shit about me. But I still want to die.

For the record, I’m making a new category called suicide. I’m tracking where I am with suicidal thoughts.