random thoughts

Figuring out how to break bad news

So.. even though I hate my job. I’d still feel so bad and slightly selfish to have to quit. But I have to rip off the band aid right?

Sometimes I think about how I’m going to have to break the bad news that I am leaving. After all, there are some components in the project and I am spear-heading. So if I were them, I’d be so fucking pissed. Fucking trash. But what else can I do..? I just hope that my component of the project will be finished by the time I need to leave.

Things like this happen all the time now does it? In the future something similar might happen to me and it would be my turn to deal with it. Sigh. Who knows..?

The news needs to be given early next month. We’ll see what happens?

I do not need to worry about it now. For now, just focus on doing the very best that you can.

random thoughts

Week 16 Sunday – Some life updates

So I haven’t been writing much for this week. Not because I’m not overwhelmed with anxiety and depression.. but because my friend decided to live here so I have no chance to write.. I just don’t want to seem like a super depression person that’s all. However, yesterday, I somehow felt depressed, a tiny bit suicidal too so it felt so uncomfortable that I had to feel that way in her company.

I felt so depressed yesterday that I decided to contact my friend in Texas who I usually talk to about depression, mostly because he’s the most familiar with all these mental illness nonsense. So basically I texted him yesterday afternoon that I didn’t feel like living. He suggested me to play some games or get a hobby. Well, here’s the thing. All my life, is literally just hobbies. I fucking hate my job. And when I come home, I draw and draw. And now, I’m starting to play the piano a lot too, which makes me grateful because I had never practiced the piano in this much intensity in over 7 years. I am getting the hang of the Time Travel theme from the Secret movie (I have literally tried to play that song for SO fucking long, probably nearly 5 years but I had never gotten around to practice the second half of the song) and I am learning another fast song from the same movie. I’m playing calming songs too. I mess up a lot, but I really don’t care because my love for the piano is sparked. For now, at least. But playing the piano makes me feel so calm. It’s as if I went back to my middle school years (that’s the time of my peak piano activities). At the time, I was performing in concerts with my cousins (whom I never speak to anymore), I was so into Naruto and I was learning their songs.. Sigh, those were the good ol’ days. I remember when I legitly wanted to be a musician. But nah. I really cannot handle the anxiety of having to perform all the time. It’s just too much. Especially for the piano for if you mess up, it’s very noticeable. I still stand on that decision now. My piano training is not to the extent of professionals.. but it’s enough for me to be able to play any song.. as long as I am willing to put in the time. Maybe being a piano teacher would be better. Maybe it’s something for the future. I enjoy teaching after all.

I am also thinking of maybe teaching digital art.. I’m no expert but i think it would be fun right? In the mean time, I really need to keep practicing

I just really want to escape. Tomorrow is another Monday. But honestly, after writing this, I think I am ready for tomorrow. Ready for another battle. The 5 day battle. I know I can do it. There is only 26 working days left before I have to break them the news that I would not be working there anymore. To be honest, I really don’t want to work there anymore.. Because it is completely boring and I am not given anything to work on.. just stupid side tasks. Not sure if it’s because it is the only thing they have right now or they just don’t trust me at all. In any case, I just really want to run away and never come back.

The goodbye will be very bitter-sweet though. On one hand, I would be fucking happy to leave that job. The other hand, is that I’d probably miss my co-worker and boss because they’re pretty awesome. Although, I’d be happy to leave the fucking tester. Cuz, despite being a nice guy, he’s also very argumentative and has a humongous ego.. Probably as big as mine. Ha. But nonetheless.. at the current moment, I can imagine that leaving the job would make me much happier.. I’d have to go back to studying again and having to look for other jobs. But nonetheless, I love learning for myself much more than working for other people.. I mean it’s not that I HATE coding.. Ok, I do kind of hate it. But I don’t ABSOLUTELY HATE it. In some cases I could withstand it. Withstand it enough so that when I come from work, I could do something I am really passionate about. Which is art and music. But right now.. sigh.. It’s just that whenever I come to work I feel super useless, y know? It’s honestly mentally exhausting to not do anything at work. But if I do something else that isn’t work, I feel super bad about myself.. constantly fearing that somebody would look over my shoulder and found out I wasn’t working. Sigh. And when meetings come about what I did for my tasks.. I can’t really say much because they literally didn’t give me any tasks.. And I feel like I am useless. But I shouldn’t think that way.. If I have done my best, then i’ve done my best. Nothing else I could do about that. And I KNOW I have done my very best to complete all tasks in a timely manner, with as much quality as possible.

I just realized that this is literally the month of August. Which means it’s 5 more months until 2018.. And it’s been 7 months since Trump’s inauguration. Around 10 months since the elections..  10 months + a few weeks since the presidential debates. 2 fucking years since I started drawing seriously again. Wow. How time flies.

In terms of drawing, i can definitely say I have improved to some degree. I understand anatomy much more. I can figure out colors better. I have gone more to quantity, not quality. Which is the direction I really want to go. Two years ago, I could barely draw faces properly.. Now I don’t do them 100% properly but i know how to render more things much better, of course. Day by day.. it’s really hard to see improvements. But improvements are meant to be seen over a couple of years.. so I shouldn’t feel low about myself. Like anything, I have to be patient with myself. And that’s all. I do not have to solve my life problems today. Just take it a step at a time.

I’ve also recently been watching more about God and stuf.. Not because I am religious. But because I think religion is ridiculous. i sometimes have debates with my coworker over religion. .he’s muslim and he believes that I need to be saved. I made a lot of points about how religion doesn’t make sense and He just thinkgs I really need to be saved. I mean, i’m not that surprised. Everyone thinks I need to be saved because I don’t believe in the existence of god. and that somehow made me a person who is in danger. I mean in all hoesty I like getting that attention. somehow being an atheist means that I need to be saved. So i get all of these concerns about me needing to be saved. I mean, keep the attention coming.. I kinda like it. I mean, i am open to being wrong. Meaning I am open to the existence of god, if I were given valid evidence. Sadly, I think so far there is no evidence of noah’s flood , jesus’ resurrection, sodom and gomorah.. etc etc. It’s all fairy tale bullshit.. Only it’s probably one of the most morbid fairy tales of all. Even the Brther’s Grim stories aren’t as messed up as the bible.

I think i’m done writing. I am feeling much better now that I have dumped my thoughts here. I’m gnna watch some videous with richard dawkins in it. It’s a lot of fun.

random thoughts

Week 16 Thursday – Guilt. Hating myself.

So I actually have not posted anything in a while.. actually things haven’t been too anxiety-inducing lately. Things are pretty boring to be honest and I kinda hate myself. Because I feel fucking useless and I clearly have no fucking clue what I am doing. In fact, I am so close to ending this contract. Mind you, the decision needs to be made early September. And it is now early August. So literally in 4 weeks time shit needs to go down.. And when I say that I mean something like I need to tell em I cannot work there naymore but then I feel like super duper guilty because like I am beginning to be involved in several things that I need to pay attention to but then again they technically don’t need me. I mean think about it, right now i am not even fucking doing anything important and i just feel bad that if one day i need to leave and all. i fucking feel like a fucking shit. I mean this all started because I am fucking lying like a fucking idiot, so what do you expect. Keep continuing by fucking lying again. That’s the price of shit, now is it. Sigh.

i just really hate the fact that i am working in this thing that i hate. I just cannot stand myself.

random thoughts

Drawing depression, Friend is living with me

Today morning I wasn’t feeling particularly bad about myself. But then I proceeded to draw shit today and then I felt bad about myself because basically my drawings are shit and I want to fix one tomorrow.

My friend is also going to live with me in this house. This should deplete my feelings on loneliness on the reg but for the next 2 weeks we’ll probably try to sleep in the same bed or whatever (which i do not look forward to because the bed barely fits my fat body) or we can force in a sofa into my room or what not and she can sleep there in the mean time. Hopefully in the later.

I don’t know how I will feel about this because in a sense, I value loneliness a lot because it’s very hard to have time for yourself these days. But then again there are some times where I am too alone with myself that I start feeling suicidal again.

random thoughts

Week 15 Monday – 10 pm Panic Attack

So I am having a panic attack right now because tomorrow im gonna have this lunch meeting with my fucking boss and my fucking vendor and im gonna have to tell em that hey actually there has been changes in my life recently and i cannot say for sure if in the next coming months i will be able to take on the hire. im gonna have to tell some shitstory like my brother is gonna come here but he has autism so i need to try to take care of him. It’s kinda a real scenario that might happen in the future tbh. So this might backfire. But what the shit, y know?

I also have this thing where I beat myself up so much if I am not able to help a person out. Like, I fail to help people do shit, and because of that, I am shit. fuck.