depression · random thoughts

People disappoint me, I disappoint people, I disappoint myself.

So I spent the last six hours depressed and just thinking about how I hate everybody, and how everybody probably does not hate my but Ibelieve that they hate me anyway, and how much i hate myself.

So basically my parents are dicks. they always try to talk about what’s good about me but like that’s exactly what’s not good about me because whatever is good about me is not real. like this job i am having, which i wont have anymore in a couple of months but i dont care because i dont want to have a job because its kinda driving me nuts and i wanna kill myself. And i have this fucking fear that i wont be able to get a fucking job again because im such a fucking useles piece of shit and i am no good for anything.

People disappoint me. Other than how my parents disappoint me, i am remembering the time when i spent $180 on a therapist for a month with this therapist who is fucking judgemental now that i think about it. i concluded that i cant raelly have a therapist, at least not a judgemental one, because i tend to just hide what i really want to say/feel and i never get to the core of my problem. which is that i am messed up. i always appear as a very good girl, nothing wrong with me, strong on the outside i guess, i dont know. i am not strong on the outside but maybe thats because whats inside me is even worse, just much worse. suicidal kind of worse. every single fucking day of my fucking waking minute, i just think about how much better it would be if i were dead because i really have no purpose, no use in this world. i just want to disappear. the closest way i could do that is to isolate myself, stop talking to anyone, lock myself in the room, turn off the lights so no one would know i was there. i just want to disappear, like i nver existed in the first place. to be honest, i have to give kudos to myself for even being able to get out of the house. If i had the choice, i surely wouldnt get out  of the hosue at all. I always hate it when people tell me that i am evidently upset, or stressed. As like i show it on purpose. most times, i really dont try to show it. it just shows. and i hate myself for it, i know. but what the fuck am i supposed to do if my face is just like that effortlessly. I just feel so sick of myself.

Last night I dreamt that the blank space cover that i posted to youtube like 2 years ago, 90% of people hated it. and it kinda made me feel shitty but at the same time i was like trying to make myself feel better about it but it kinda didnt work. still feel shitty in that dream. still feel shitty now. Tbh i feel that it came from me, because i feel that my playing of blank space is kinda shitty.

I tried this indian restaurant and it sucked, a waste of $20.

I started being depressed at like 9 pm or something then i tried to find omsething to do but i dont like any movies,eerything isnot interesting to me and like no videos are instersting and nothign iterst me so i played the guitar and ukulele for a coupleo f hrs singing ts songs bc nobody is here in the basement w me so i can play as loud as i canat 11pm . i am so fucking lonely. im startigt to realyl think that i dont need anythng external to entertain myseklf , what makes me less sad/depressed is being able to do things to up my skills. like drawing/music. im not particulalrly good at them but it’s somethingt o keep me away from suicide. .i honestly dont know what would happen to me if i didnt have hobbies. because nothing interests me / i cant pay attention to anything anymore. i just really feel like dying. the only thing i look forward to is being able to draw/play music but even so i get tired and end up never doing them.

i disapoint mysekf.

 

i just had a sleeping pill so i feel like dying now. hopefuly nobody fucks with me in the morning with mysleep bc i keep waking up because people upstairs keeps fucking MOVING FURNITURES

 

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job · random thoughts

I’m pretty much not too happy about myself, also anxiety is coming back and i am pissed rn

So today I managed to ‘finish’ one of the value study assignments. 4 more to go. I said finished in quotation marks because i feel like what i drew turned out to be complete shit and like didnt match anything at all so im jus kinda pissed a little bit. 😦 loking at all the assignments of other students make wanna be like FUCK I AM SO TERRIBLE.

Also I am scared that my work anxiety is gonna come back bc my boss is gonna be in office tomorrow so i hate the feeling of somebody looking over my shoulder, even if they are probably not doing that, but i am just getting that feeling. and that feeling sucks.

Also I don’t know why the fuck i am always so tired. i woke up after quite a long sleep (albeit a disturbed sleep) and i woke sore and throughout the day beasicallyi wanted to die. coing home i was still pretty much sore and now it’s 12 am and i am still effng sore. i wanna die pls 😦

Tomorrow is another day.. on the bright side, tomorrow is the middle of the week.. so just 3 more days to go. yup.

random thoughts

Monday fatigue

I am so fucking tired. I am thinking of sleeping early today at laest.. It’s 10:30pm right now and i feel like i can just go to sleep already..

Today I didn’t even draw much.. I was trying to fix photoshop bc it was fucking slow and i got fucking pissed. Overall I spent 2 or 2.5 hrs  on the wacom.. 80% of which is figuring out photoshop. Sigh. My wrists are fucking tired and my back hurts more than anything. My eyes are tired. How the fuck

random thoughts

Week 19 in retrospect

Let’s see.

This week was kind of busier than usual at work because of some person. And also I was going home later than usual and it kind of pisses me off. But at the same time I could arrive to work later so that’s nice. Plus my boss weren’t on site for the past 2 weeks so that kind of eliminated a lot of my anxiety there. But she’s coming back tomorrow so I’m kinda hoping that I won’t get panic attacks.

The start of the week was great in terms of drawing.. I was listening to podcasts from bobby chiu which is really awesome bc his talks are very informative and it definitely helped me stay motivated even just a little bit. I did assignments for the coloring and lighting course from schoolism and i did a couple of them, i did about 5. And i am proud that I made it to 5.. For monday and tuesday I felt very good. Wednesday I kind of declined a bit. Then thursday i became depressed like i wanna cry and just dont wanna see people and just wanna sleep and stop existing. I didn’t do any art that day. Then on Friday I still stayed depressed and really didn’t do anything much. I believe I sketches some stuff but not very productive. Then saturday i tried to paint this fucking environment but it turned out so bad so I became depressed and just sketched the whole day until 2am then just lied down on the bed until 6am. then sunday i tried to paint another environment which worked out. so now i’m feeling a bit better.

Another good thing happened this week is taylor swift released a new song and the music video just came out a few hours ago and im obsessed. tbh at first the song is monotone but me liking taylor swift anyway i ended up digging the song.

also yesterday i spent a few minutes thinking about my sexual orientation somehow. like do i like girls? now that i think about it. the answer is yes, but i’ve never liked em sexually. so that’s that. Sigh, it’s the effect of 2017 i guess. you question your sexual orientation even when you are obviously not queer in the slightest. i like men, plain and simple.

Sigh, I don’t know why i’m writing this on a Sunday night. I feel like doing these retrospective thing is not working cuz like i remember the bad things more than i remember the good things and its like making me depressed at 11:33pm on a sunday and it just reminds me what the week will look like. sigh. Honestly though i am tired but at least my willpower to deal with people is refueled. Hopefully it will last until at least Thursday. But honestly it usually only lasts until Wednesday and then thursday and fridays i just become this fucking depressed shit who wants to cry all the time an kill herself.

Week 20, here we go. Although, there will be 7 more weeks in this job and leaving will be bitter sweet. Sweet because i dont have to deal with these fucking people anymore. bitter because i’m gonna have to deal with NEW fucking people. And I am definitely not looking forward to that.

Anyways this week I’ve been into memes lately. I mean more than usual.

I am doing some schoolism stuff this week about values and exposure and edges. wml. Now I’m going back to my memes.