depression · drawing · random thoughts

Saturday drawing success, binge watching youtube, and depression

So today I managed to actually finish a drawing.. and I am so happy about it. The drawing wasn’t amazing but more than anything, I was focusing on finishing. Nothing more nothing less. I posted the drawing on Instagram and trying not to worry so much about the number of likes or exposure. Of course, I always wished that I could have done better but I am okay enough by the fact that something is done. I was struggling a bit to finish it but I am glad I finished.

Today I was binge watching Youtube.. mainly on this Youtuber called Jacob cruikshank. I really like how he formats his videos and tbh I like how he and his brother, Lucas cruikshank, presents their content. They all seem like theyre drunk when doing their vids, but they’re just very creative and funny.

I talked to my dad today. I miss my family so much. But I am just so sad how my dad just always talks about bad things that are out of my control. Like my brother and sister. I mean they kind of are within my control. But I am working on it. And it’s not very enjoyable to be under that much pressure all the time.

It’s 2AM now. I’m probably going to eat another cup of ice cream. My head feels like it’s floating but I can’t sleep. Probably because my stomach is filled with nothing but ice cream tonight.

Also I cannot get this image of a bug in the bath room out of my head. Fuck.

depression · fear and anxiety · suicide

Week 9 End – Pizza, Guilt, Worries

It is now the end of week 9 and it is 12:11AM right now and I had ordered pizza. Although, I feel like a huge dick for not giving the pizza guy a tip even though he delivered in the rain. Well what am I supposed to do man they never asked for a tip before so I just assumed I didn’t need to. Plus I didn’t have cash on hand. Damn he was pissed. Oh well. Can’t do anything about it. Probably won’t do anything about it because I am a cheap-ass motherfucker.

Anyways, Fridays are always so quiet and I didn’t have anything to do.

I am now thinking a lot of bad things that may happen to me. I am getting worried sick for no good reason. And worried about the things I do not need to worry about, increasing my anxiety levels and making me more tired than I am supposed to. I just had 3 anxiety pills but it’s not working and I am just getting very sleepy and I am about to pass out.

Seriously, I need to start telling people not to give me any bad news because little do they know, it’s going to consume my days. I need to forget about it.

This week had been a slow week. I just found out that the contract technically ends October 20th. So that’s like 17 more weeks to go. I can do this. I can get through this.

I am just pissed that my co-worker, who doesn’t know how to do anything technical is basically taking up all the credit by saying ‘I’ instead of ‘we.’ That could also probably because I am a sensitive motherfucker. But call me sensitive all you want but I did most of the work while he just talked and talked like a fucking bitch and it’s kinda diving me nuts and I am going crazy and I am about to die. I mean tbh I die everyday mentally so it’s not a surprise anymore andddddasdudashdiashdsa


fear and anxiety

Waking up too early and anxiety

I hate these the most.

My day is starting earlier because I woke up too early today. I woke up at 6:30AM. Now it is 7:22AM. I was planning to come to work at 8:30AM.

Now I am spending the hour quite literally being anxious about going to work. And fuck this. I couldn’t go back to sleep when I woke up at 6:30AM.

Usually I don’t really mind waking up too early, because it means I could relax.. But just like what happened in Summer 2015 when I was working for TSI, the hours before work I spend just being anxious about going to work. Sigh.

Maybe I should just sleep later today. Ha, that’s something I’ve never said before. But still.. the hours before bed I mostly spend it being anxious about the next day. 😦


depression · random thoughts

I miss home

Basically lately I’ve been pretty homesick. Hence the frequent calls with my sister. Heck, I’d even take the call if it were my parents, that’s how lonely i am. 

I am currently renting a place in a house owned by a chinese family. And every night theyd have dinner together and whenever i come upstairs to their dining room it always feel so loney for me because id do anything to have that with my family right now. 

Also theres 2 children living in this house, one is 10 and the other is 11 and theyre just the sweetest. Basically i envy how they can still stay a kid without needing to worry ahout anything. Also i envy the people who look my age but they have a lot of freedom in which their job is what the enjoy (at least i am assuming so because they are piano teachers) and they can still stay with the family for as long as they want.l which is great and ultimately what i want.

I’m probably asking too much now arent i.