So I spent the last six hours depressed and just thinking about how I hate everybody, and how everybody probably does not hate my but Ibelieve that they hate me anyway, and how much i hate myself.
So basically my parents are dicks. they always try to talk about what’s good about me but like that’s exactly what’s not good about me because whatever is good about me is not real. like this job i am having, which i wont have anymore in a couple of months but i dont care because i dont want to have a job because its kinda driving me nuts and i wanna kill myself. And i have this fucking fear that i wont be able to get a fucking job again because im such a fucking useles piece of shit and i am no good for anything.
People disappoint me. Other than how my parents disappoint me, i am remembering the time when i spent $180 on a therapist for a month with this therapist who is fucking judgemental now that i think about it. i concluded that i cant raelly have a therapist, at least not a judgemental one, because i tend to just hide what i really want to say/feel and i never get to the core of my problem. which is that i am messed up. i always appear as a very good girl, nothing wrong with me, strong on the outside i guess, i dont know. i am not strong on the outside but maybe thats because whats inside me is even worse, just much worse. suicidal kind of worse. every single fucking day of my fucking waking minute, i just think about how much better it would be if i were dead because i really have no purpose, no use in this world. i just want to disappear. the closest way i could do that is to isolate myself, stop talking to anyone, lock myself in the room, turn off the lights so no one would know i was there. i just want to disappear, like i nver existed in the first place. to be honest, i have to give kudos to myself for even being able to get out of the house. If i had the choice, i surely wouldnt get out of the hosue at all. I always hate it when people tell me that i am evidently upset, or stressed. As like i show it on purpose. most times, i really dont try to show it. it just shows. and i hate myself for it, i know. but what the fuck am i supposed to do if my face is just like that effortlessly. I just feel so sick of myself.
Last night I dreamt that the blank space cover that i posted to youtube like 2 years ago, 90% of people hated it. and it kinda made me feel shitty but at the same time i was like trying to make myself feel better about it but it kinda didnt work. still feel shitty in that dream. still feel shitty now. Tbh i feel that it came from me, because i feel that my playing of blank space is kinda shitty.
I tried this indian restaurant and it sucked, a waste of $20.
I started being depressed at like 9 pm or something then i tried to find omsething to do but i dont like any movies,eerything isnot interesting to me and like no videos are instersting and nothign iterst me so i played the guitar and ukulele for a coupleo f hrs singing ts songs bc nobody is here in the basement w me so i can play as loud as i canat 11pm . i am so fucking lonely. im startigt to realyl think that i dont need anythng external to entertain myseklf , what makes me less sad/depressed is being able to do things to up my skills. like drawing/music. im not particulalrly good at them but it’s somethingt o keep me away from suicide. .i honestly dont know what would happen to me if i didnt have hobbies. because nothing interests me / i cant pay attention to anything anymore. i just really feel like dying. the only thing i look forward to is being able to draw/play music but even so i get tired and end up never doing them.
i disapoint mysekf.
i just had a sleeping pill so i feel like dying now. hopefuly nobody fucks with me in the morning with mysleep bc i keep waking up because people upstairs keeps fucking MOVING FURNITURES